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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

TOPIC: Back on the Site 52995 Views

Re: Back on the Site 09 Mar 2015 10:00 #250135

  • doingtshuva
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strugglingguy
It's sounds that you have much of triggers (tigers) surrounding you.
Putting filters is a good and an important step, but it wont prevent you 100%
therefore having a list of things to do while your wife is away can help you.
Maybe make her a surprise by cleaning up the mess.

you can also have a mp3 with music and shiurim which you can take to bed.

Once these devices are in our hand when we are board, tiered,.....
it's much easier to fall.
 NO, It's not all or nothing, just every bit counts!

I failed yesterday, and I might fail tomorrow. But just for today I'm going to give it a try.


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Re: Back on the Site 09 Mar 2015 14:44 #250150

  • cordnoy
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yes Qustodio can block your app downloadin'
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Back on the Site 09 Mar 2015 18:03 #250172

  • strugglingguy
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Thanks everyone.

YS - Thanks for chizuk (but I think what works better for me more are actions, not so much machshavos)

I like that idea about the mp3 but thing is - if I want to watch p***, I will just go from one to the other ....

I don't DOWNLOAD apps - I can even find stuff THROUGH app REVIEWS, etc. etc.! yes I am a sick desperate, man sometimes.

what works for u guys?

Re: Back on the Site 09 Mar 2015 18:10 #250173

  • cordnoy
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it will stop you from reachin' stuff in your app store.

and I agree about the actions and machshavos.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Back on the Site 10 Mar 2015 22:45 #250252

  • strugglingguy
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my counselor today told me to commit to turning off the internet on my phone when I am at home.
I will keep everyone posted on how this goes.

Re: Back on the Site 11 Mar 2015 01:26 #250262

  • cordnoy
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what happened to qustodio?
didn't try yet?
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Back on the Site 15 Mar 2015 12:44 #250525

  • Dov
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strugglingguy wrote:
Thanks everyone.

YS - Thanks for chizuk (but I think what works better for me more are actions, not so much machshavos)

I like that idea about the mp3 but thing is - if I want to watch p***, I will just go from one to the other ....

I don't DOWNLOAD apps - I can even find stuff THROUGH app REVIEWS, etc. etc.! yes I am a sick desperate, man sometimes.

what works for u guys?


Things that block access do not work. There is gonna be a way around it eventually - and while the block really is working, we are guaranteed to be feeling resentment against the block and dependence on an outside thing that is really just temporary.

The entire exercise is limited and brings limited fruit - like running even faster from a train.

It all depends on what you want to achieve. If your goal is to score a high number on the GYE 90-day chart or to prove something to yourself then gimmicks are fine...they are even a mitzvah! Because preventing a sin even for an hour is truly a great thing in Torah and avodas Hashem. Of course this goal includes eventually being able to again enjoy the sweetness of our delicious porn and fantasy (and you and I do love it, of course) - so then blocks like these are perfect! Running ever faster down the tracks, we know the train will eventually catch up with us and we will feel that great feeling we need again of getting 'run over' by lust. After all, we are told that we are powerless anyhow.

But then, on the opposite side of the world from that, there is stepping off the tracks. Sounds simple...but most of us would actually prefer remaining 'strugglingguys' forever, strange as that may seem. If you think you might be ill and need to change - that what you really need is actual freedom from this stuff that is surely more precious than any money to you and me...then your goal is not to score big on the GYE 90-day chart of glory. You are no longer set on 'winning' or beating a record of the last time you stayed clean for x number of days or weeks or months. Rather, your goal is simply to be a free man today. Really free - right now, today.

The only way I know to have that - and it's sweeter than anything I know - is surrender. Unconditionally giving it up for now. And that means taking real actions to let it go. RaShb"I would not have made 13 years in that cave if he took a sandwich in there with him 'just in case'. It obviously does not work that way. We all can see that - except when it comes to our own stuff. Nu.

The tefillos of most of us frum porners and masturbaters are sincere and heartfelt, but exactly like this: "G-d! Please take it away (so that I won't have to actually give it up)!" For normals who are just sinning, it may work just that way. But as we know, it does not work that way for addicts. It's not about sinning or Teshuvah for us, for Teshuvah does not work for us - it just makes us worse. W need to leave Teshuvah (and especially tikun hacheit) for those more qualified to do it....all we need is to surrender. Give up the entire fight and step off the tracks.

But letting lusting go today for real is not just theoretical. It always includes practical, concrete actions of surrender. Because our lusting isn't just in our heads, but in actions, too. And actions of surrender are best taken with the advice and help of a sane person, not just by ourselves. I'll never forget the guy here in the forum who was sticking needles into his fingers as part of his TaPhsiC shvuah, or the guy whose big geder was never looking out of his 4 amos ever...real recipes for success, huh? And that's the kind of silly stuff my brain comes up with, too, unless I get help from another person - as in a sponsor who is really sober. Unfortunately, normal people who do not really have this problem are as clueless as we are, in stuff like this. So I avoid them.

Running down the tracks even faster works - for a while...but even 'one-day-at-a-time' of running down the tracks, does not work!

Getting off the tracks feels very, very good..and works one day at a time.
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"

Re: Back on the Site 15 Mar 2015 12:53 #250527

  • shomer bro
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Excellent post! But, then why does gye still have the 90 day chart? Doesn't it promote the idea of just getting to 90 whether it's due to whiteknuckling or actual work on oneself?

Re: Back on the Site 15 Mar 2015 14:35 #250531

GYE caters to non- addicts too, and like Dov said, it's probably a good thing for them.

For us addicts, it's good bait. We sign on her thinking "if I can get clean for 90 days I'm cured. Yoohoo!!"

By the time were done hanging around here for 90 days , we know it ain't so. Hopefully by then we develop a real plan for recovery. It's a GYE scheme.

I know I fell for it. And I'm glad I did!
Last Edit: 15 Mar 2015 14:36 by Menachem clean by peach.

Re: Back on the Site 15 Mar 2015 15:09 #250538

  • cordnoy
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shomer bro wrote:
Excellent post! But, then why does gye still have the 90 day chart? Doesn't it promote the idea of just getting to 90 whether it's due to whiteknuckling or actual work on oneself?


Dov is not GYE and GYE is not Dov.

They have common ground, but see things different here and there.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Back on the Site 15 Mar 2015 16:13 #250542

  • Dov
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shomer bro wrote:
Excellent post! But, then why does gye still have the 90 day chart? Doesn't it promote the idea of just getting to 90 whether it's due to whiteknuckling or actual work on oneself?


Cordnoy is right, of course. But the I believe the whole truth is exactly what "Menachem clean by peach" wrote:


GYE caters to non- addicts too, and like Dov said, it's probably a good thing for them.

For us addicts, it's good bait. We sign on her thinking "if I can get clean for 90 days I'm cured. Yoohoo!!"

By the time were done hanging around here for 90 days , we know it ain't so. Hopefully by then we develop a real plan for recovery. It's a GYE scheme.

I know I fell for it. And I'm glad I did!


My phone has about 200 guys in the address book who originally called me to talk because of frustration that the tactics they were learning like Taphsic, 90-day chart, anonymous-sponsor-on-the-phone, and 'telling 'all' the truth because you are really not there at all (cuz yer using a fake name!), were all failing for them after trying hard for six months or a year or so. They call and we talk. I save their numbers under the heading "G" (for GYE guy). Slowly over time they get more comfy talking the truth to a real person and using their real names and getting real about it all, far more real than ever before and accepting the situation without guilt but also without false hopes...and they get used to hearing an addict who knows sick ( because I am a pervert too) - yet in recovery...and they often end up deciding to go to therapy or to SA meetings, or both. Then I change their designation in the address book to "S" (SA). MY S file grows and grows...but so does the G file, because there are at least 2 newbies calling (often in terrible suffering) every week.

So is GYE bad? No way! It's awesome for the non-addicts (who are clearly the majority) because they get the chizzuk they need; and it is a stepping stone for the addicts who fail and find they are finally ready to get the help that sick people like us need. It's a tremendous 12th step tool for me and other sober addicts here, and we are eternally grateful to Guard and the organization.
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"
Last Edit: 15 Mar 2015 16:32 by Dov.

Re: Back on the Site 15 Mar 2015 17:21 #250548

  • TalmidChaim
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Dov's insights make ingenious sense, as usual. Your brain, whether you're aware of it or not, will always be on a mission to figure out new ways to outsmart the mechanisms you set up to keep it away from the objects it desires.

Notice that I said brain, and not Yetzer HaRa, HaSatan, etc. I've been aligning my thinking more and more with the guys here who simply couch this conflict as, "You vs. You," not "You vs. An Outside Influence." There's always an outside influence, be it spiritual or mundane. There are always opportunities, moments of isolation, cell-phones lying around, billboards and magazine ads, trips to the store. If it's always you fighting the Whatever, it's always going to be a fight, and fighting is the problem.

I'm a frum yid, but I'm also a geek (witness, my avatar). So I love the idea of a comic-style super-villain always scheming new sinister machinations to ensnare me into the dark tunnel of Shmutz. He comes in the form of the aforementioned dark forces, taking the shape of whatever it is that has inspired me to act out (Oh cool, a Shape-Shifter!). That construct, the dichotomy of the Self vs. the Evil Influence, however, paints me as the super-hero, or at least, the embattled underdog (something we've been conditioned to really identify with)! When we focus on the Yetzer, or HaSatan, or the next temptation lurking around the corner, it's the same thing. We're trapped in the archetypical model of fighting evil, and fighting is what we're supposed to be giving up. It's really a fight...to not fight.

And to take this to an even geekier level (stop reading if you don't want to see me totally nerd-out here), I changed my avatar from a picture of Superman with a Star of David on his chest to a picture of the Incredible Hulk (who I'm pretty sure isn't Jewish). Why? Well, I'm not Superman, never have been, and never will be. I'm not fighting the Lex Luthor of Licentiousness and I don't have a single super-power to my name. I'm weak; I'm diseased; I'm feeble in the face of temptation; I'm power-LESS. Like Bruce Banner -- the Hulk's human altar-ego -- I'm just trying to do whatever it takes to not metamorphose into a raging, mindless monster. That's my "fight." And also like the Hulk (ooohh I love this!), it's anger and being in an over-excited emotional state that sets me off down the dark path. So fighting the urges, struggling, "white (err, um, green)-knuckling," just heightens my emotional sensitivity and makes me more vulnerable to monster-ing out! The only solution is to let go of the fight and passively let myself become one with...myself (yeah, this recovery philosophy gets a little abstruse sometimes).

So, my advice: remind yourself, loudly if necessary, that you are weak and powerless, especially when temptation rears its ugly face. Like Dov said, you'll never be able to erase all of the temptation, and if you're an addict, such a strategy means simply that you're just putting off the inevitable. I've taken to just whispering to myself that "I'm Powerless over this, and that I am nothing without Hashem."
0% Tolerance and 100% Self-Forgiveness.

Lo ba-shamayim hi
Mellow out.
Last Edit: 15 Mar 2015 19:31 by TalmidChaim.

Re: Back on the Site 20 Mar 2015 19:44 #250928

  • strugglingguy
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i thought this was my thread folks...

anyway I had a good week, talked to my therapist, keep wifi off my phone some of the time (a geder my therapist and i agreed would work)

have another upcoming meeting with my therapist...

*don't have patience to read and comment on all ur other stuff - maybe next week.

have a good shabbos everyone.

Re: Back on the Site 22 Mar 2015 01:51 #250944

  • serenity
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Awesome posts. Just to add that this addict gains tremendously from GYE in many ways. A lot of it is about the way we choose to look at things. SA is great and has helped me out tremendously. It is a suggested means of recovery and everyone's experience is different. For me GYE doesn't detract from my SA recovery in any way.

As a side note, I was listening to a GYE call one morning last week. I'm not sure whose call was, but one of the points was when you use the word "but" when partially agreeing with someone, it has the effect of rejecting everything that was previously said. So If I say "great comment but" I sound like I'm rejecting the comment. If I say, "I liked your comment and would just like to add that ....". So the call was saying use "and" instead of "but".
Much Hatzlacha!

My Threads:
Glad to be here
Don't slip it hurts
Lions & Tigers & Internet, Oh My!

--"ולא המדרש עיקר, אלא המעשה"
--"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing." Mark Twain
--"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking (or lusting), you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic (or sexaholic)." AA Big Book P. 45. Parenthesis added.
--You hit rock bottom when you decide to stop digging.

Re: Back on the Site 22 Mar 2015 01:57 #250945

  • TalmidChaim
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serenity wrote:
As a side note, I was listening to a GYE call one morning last week. I'm not sure whose call was, but one of the points was when you use the word "but" when partially agreeing with someone, it has the effect of rejecting everything that was previously said. So If I say "great comment but" I sound like I'm rejecting the comment. If I say, "I liked your comment and would just like to add that ....". So the call was saying use "and" instead of "but".


I have nothing to add to that tip; it's simply great!!!!
0% Tolerance and 100% Self-Forgiveness.

Lo ba-shamayim hi
Mellow out.
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