I know exactly how you feel, I was just there the other day, my wife doesn't know to tell me to count it as a fall. I cannot bring myself to make it a fall, on the other hand, I'm having a hard time pressing the "I'm still clean" button as well!! I'm personally going to stick to the rules, especially since there was a ton of progress that I saw during that time.

SO....fall or no fall, the main question is, what's going to be different next time (I haven't answered that myself yet, but it's still a valid question)?

I think that the above comment should certainly be a guide for your response to what you perceive as a fall:

"so maybe just keep on moving as is. try to figure out what will be most productive for you.
so brush your self off and keep up the good work"

Actually I am happy about starting over. It feels more honest. My actual slips are a bit more serious than what my wife thinks they are... can't bring myself to tell her the whole truth, and don't want to bring her through it. She knows I'm struggling, and she should not be treated as an accountability partner.

So, as I said, I've had a few slips. No serious falls, but tiny slips. And I want to get rid of them. The first 90 days and more I did with no slips at all.

I have a few questions:

1) I am guessing that my sponsor paid the $90 once I reached 90 days. Now when I am at day 8, he is still written as my sponsor. Will the system ask him for another $90 when I reach there again? (WHEN! not IF!)

2) Is there anyone with Israeli phone number who is ready to give me his number and be my accountability partner? Mostly for calling at the scary moments when I'm at the verge of falling. Hebrew or English dont matter, I speak both fluently.

I dont have a filter at my work computer, and if I bring it up my boss will understand that I still have a problem (got in trouble for it 2009, and dont want to repeat - filters were installed then, but since Ive gotten a new computer and a company smartphone, so my boss is apparently trusting me...) Usually its not a problem, since the computer is in a public area, but it happens that people are absent, and thats when the urge comes creeping up. "Just a peek, nothing more", "its not a fall if you click away quick enough", etc... you know YH's lingo.

Specifically at those points it would be good to have someone to call right away. Should I just use GYE's Israeli hotline, or can I have a more "steady" person?

Before you tell me to go to the meetings in Jerusalem - no. Id rather not meet people IRL... I dont have time, I am uncomfortable being that open, plus my wife would object for sure. Maybe not as much against meeting people, but mainly against taking time I could have spent with her. (Studies, full time work and 4 kids give us very little time together, and we need every second we can get).

I am, however, listening to recordings of phone conferences from the links you gave me. They're really great!

I am at work. I have a computer without filter in front of me. It's in a public place, but the office is emptier than usual and there's no one around.

I keep hearing/thinking "just a peek, no one will know, this will be the last time and then never again" etc... so Im writing these things right here. Openly. I dont want to fall.

I get off work in another 2 hours. Ask me how it went. Knowing that you will ask me keeps me focused.

Perhaps you should install a filter?

But good job coming to GYE FIRST!

How'd it go?

It went well. Still going strong. Not enough hours in the day to come here enough though.

I know I probably need a filter on the work laptop... I just cant bring myself to ask someone to install it for me. None of my colleagues know, and my boss... well, he caught me in 2009 and thinks Ive been clean since. I cant tell him that I need it.

thatguyoverthere wrote:


Shivsi responds:
Why Can't you install "K9" by yourself?

If you need help with filters go here: venishmartem.com/new/

[it's actually a link from the GYE site].

Trust me you need need need a filter! It's a losing battle to try resisting those urges every time.
Pleeeeease install a filter.
Keep up the good work.
All the best.

I would never advocate against the use of a filter, but knowing from my personal history, and hearing all the people at SA meetings talk, the control over the internet - without using a filter - is much more growth producing than when there is a filter....read here how much time people spend on breaking thru the filter and bypassing it...with many of them succeeding.

That being said, there are positives to be gained from a filter as well.

I just don't think it's an automatic slam dunk that every person here "needs, needs, needs" a filter.

b'hatzlachah

shvisi


I find that once people install a filter, they suddenly feel that they were hired as employees of the filter company to make sure that it is working properly and that there's really no way around it, whereas others realize that they need to "just say no".

skeptical wrote:


That doesn't have to be the case. Of course I find that to be true as well, but not because I installed the filter, just because I wanted to get through it.

Having a filter helps me in a few ways, 1) even when I am trying to break it, I usually don't get to far before I realize what I am doing, thereby braking my fall. 2) Sometimes I remember right away that I'm not going to be able to get through the filter anyway, so might as well deal with the urges the right way. 3) It shows me how desperate I am for the lust, and shakes me a little bit to actually deal with the problem.

Turns out, the accounting software Im using for work has been upgraded, and now it's conflicting with K9! So I cant install it on the unprotected laptop, and I had to remove it from my regular work computer as well.

So I checked out X3watch, which Im already using for my cell phone (and paid for). Turns out I can install it on my work computers as well! Woohoo!

The big problem with filtering is just that - it easily creates firewalls that block out things you need.

The X3watch basically works as a filter, but instead of filtering, it just sends a report of all the suspicious websites Ive visited to my wife. It lights up on keywords including websites like GYE, so she can also see that I've been on GYE. Basically she knows that a blank report is good, but a report filled with GYE is even better.

This also blocks out the issue of "trying to get around it". I wont know if I "made it" until my wife gets a report and asks me about it. And I would never want to take a risk like that!

If I may, I would like to advertise for VCF.

I've had it for quite a long time, and in the beginning it was a bit moody, and getting sites open took a while.

BUT, they have really upped everything, from basic performance, to support, to being able to unblock sites.

They have a new feature that lets you open a site right away, it reads like this VCF wrote:


They are rather inexpensive, and for those struggling financially, there are discounts and even full sponsorship available.

(Guard, when do I get my commission?)

(although im not guard...far from it) when you stop tryin' to fuddle with the filter

For those who don't have filters either at work or home, let me suggest a simple eitzah-if your computer is in your home office, in a room in your basement, or your den, when you wake up in the morning, when you leave the house in the morning close the door to that room-it is an act of no small symbolic importance.