Hi all,
I joined this site right before shabbos when I realized that I am completly out of control. I come from a fairly modern orthodox family but became frummer over the years. I ammarried with two kids and we are doing ok in life. I have been masturbating as far back as I can remember. My mother being from the medical feild told us it is healthy and normal, I guess we know how untrue that is. Over the years I never really gave stopping a try until before I went to EY to leRn. It was there that I tried to stop and failed. Over the next few years I have tried to stop and failed a number of times. Over the years, with the advent of facebook, I beganto have innapropriate coversasations with women online. Its amazing how the shame can be masked through the text. One day I got an angry email from a husband...and that is when I finally realized the gravity of my problem.

Over this shabbos I came to realize a few things:
1. I am not really addicted to porn per se, but lust. I can stop porn at any time I want, it was the lust that was the root. I ddidn't need porn because I have years of garbage stored in my brain.
2. Along with the problem of not practicing shmiras einayim, I have an even bigger problem with yiras shamayim. Without yiras shamayin, there is no point to any of this.
3. I do not seem to lack emunah, I have complete faith in Hashem, I just can't seem to get the yiras shamayim baxk.

I am now on day 3 of being clean, and am doing ok. No urges recently because I am still shaken by theemail I got.

My current strategy is to focus on attempting to finish the 90 day challenge while at the same time attempting to finish a masechta of gemara. I have shut down numerous email accounts and facebook accounts....permanently. I am also trying to find a sponsor. My only solice is knowing that with complete teshuva, I can turn these avairos into mitzvas....at least I hope I reax that right.

My daughter is learning Parshat Bereishis now and we were going over what she learned and we read the story of Gan Eiden. It got to the part where Adam and Chava heard Hashem's voice going through the the gan and they went to hide. I said to her why did they hide? So she answered me because they were dumb and didn't realize that they can't hide from Hashem. So I said back to her they were not dumb at all and everyone thinks they can hide from Hashem, even you. I said have you ever done something that you shouldn't have and hid it from your parents, and she reluctantly said that she had, so I said but even though you hid from me, you didn't hide from Hashem. You acted like you could but really you could not.

Don't worry about your yirat shomayim in this regard. If you are an addict then no amount of yirat shamayim will fix your problem, it will just help you hold your breath longer. Eventually you will have to breathe and you will fall again. Yirat Shomayim is such an abstract idea when you try to butt it against some in your face very real lust. The yirat shomayim doesn't stand a chance.

Also I think for most of us porn is not the issue per se, it is a symptom of the greater issue of lust. It is an outlet to the lust. Good for you that you realize this already, that is a big step. Also, congratulations on deleting your accounts, that too is a huge step in the right direction.

From my poor experience there are two aspects to work here. (I am only at this a year and am still working to find my way, so take my advice as such.)

First you have to get yourself away from lust and lust triggers. You have to break the patterns that you have been living in the past many years where this has become an ingrained habit. For that the 90 days is powerful. It can give you confidence that you can in fact overcome and it gives you a time that you are free from acting out and that can help break the habit patterns that are so imprinted in your brain pathways. For this deleting accounts, watching your eyes, filters and taphsics and whatever else you need are so important. And you need to do this one day at a time, adding one day after another like one foot in front of the other until you have gotten to 90 days and beyond.

At this point in your journey this should be your focus, but you have to keep in the back of your head that 90 days is just a nice round number, if you get to 90 you will not be miraculously cured. You have to also understand why you are reaching for lust. What is wrong in your life that you are using lust to heal. Then you have to take actions to find healthy ways to heal and not use the slow death that lust provides.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you can succeed one day at a time.

Eli

Thanks Eli

Hi and welcome.

If I were you I would not draw any conclusions that you cannot prove. If you don't see yourself (or others) actually taking actions on what they say they want or think, assume it's unproven and possibly wrong.

It seems from your post that you are saying that the reason you did not always do this much lusting is because you used to have more yiras shamaym. Can you really know that for sure? That it was yirash shamaym that was stopping you? You really don't know that. Maybe your life was satisfying to you before, and you did not believe you were out of control, you were not aware of just how good lust can feel, and that is why you did not lust.

I think if you stick to things you can prove from your actions you will steer clear of blind alleys.

I think it's pretty clear from your post that you have a belief that you are out of control ("tried to stop but couldn't ..) Did you also happen to notice if you think about lust when you get into stressful situations, do you feel resentment towards your family or friends, do you often act as if you are entitled to things, are you jealous of others?

I thought about lust constantly. That's was no real connection to stress or anything else. Never resentful or jealous either.

Welcome airmale613!!

You've come to the right place!!!

stick around, we're all in one boat here!!

I also thought that my emunah was up to par, I soon learned that was not the case, and although intelectually I was solid in Emunah, I didn't really live life trusting Hashem that He could and WILL give me everythinig I need. Due to that I found myself comforting myself with fantasies, that is changing BH.

As MBJ wrote, we have to be very carful with the 90 days, even if we did not go searching for lust as our "fix" it very easily turns into one. I did not go looking for it, it fell into my lap, yet when I tried to stop I couldn't because it had become my fix.

So get ready, get set, Start Trucking and don't stop!!!!

Oh, and stick around and keep on posting!!!

Thanks all. This morning has been a little challenging. One key I have found is to get out of bed immediately. Going to keep my mussar sefarim close today. Put a countdown clock in my phone. I know 90 days isn't a cure. To me it is the first sign of hope in this struggle.

That's the way it goes, one day there are no urges and we think we've beat it, next morning we're terribly surprised to find that we are stil very much human. Just KOT, take it one moment at a time, it's all we can do!

Shulem Aleichem to this Holy Kehile, where er are all in the same problem, and no ur not alone, and with סייעתא דשמיא we will get helped and healed

just start ur focus on a Day at a Time this is the 1st key to keep it up
we will keep iy"h in touch, and please keep us posted

Ur Friend in Same Situation from Boro Park, looking fwd to see u around here

Welcome to one of the best sites in the Torah observant portion of the blogosphere! Shuttuing down Facebook is a great step forward, because you are only fooling yourself if you call "friends" on Facebook a subsitute for real friendship and comraderie,what Chazal call Pilpul Chaverim. I would argue that Facebook and Twitter, as well as the cellphone have contributed to a society that reacts rather than thinks or reads, as well contibuting to a grave breach in the importance of Kedoshim tihiyu and Tznius for both genders today.

I would suggest that instead of learniong a Masecta of Gemara, that every week that you learn Chumash with Rashi, Ramban and possibly Seforno and Netziv as well. There is so much Yiras Shamayim that jumps out of these Mfarshim in every Parsha.

I have been looking for a partner and sponsor and have been clean since Motzaei Shabbos Nachamu-for more see my story elsewhere. Without a great therapist and an even greater Tzadekes for an Eshes Chayil, I would never have thought of checking out, let alone becoming actively involved on this wonderful website that is helping so many of us deal with and confront these issues.

Hi airmale613,

Your story sounds similar to mine (although, my mom never gave me advice like that). Grew up modern orthodox, got frummer in Israel, couldn't break out no matter how hard I tried...

Have you read the handbook? Have you considered joining an anonymous phone conference? There is a lot to learn here. Many have been helped here. Keep us posted.

Hi and welcome,

Your experience with the angry husband is a gift from HaShem; a reminder of how powerless we are, and how lust makes our life unmanageable.

However, we need to realize that we are dealing with something which is cunning and relentless. In SA we say that part of the addiction is denial. I know people who ended up in prison because of their addiction and still were unable to stop on their own.

The "trick" is to always remember how you felt when you got that email.

May HaShem grant us a sober and sane day

Gibbor 120 & airmale 613-I am looking for a partner and sponsor , as well as others to join an accountability group. Take a look at my story, and let me know if you are interested. Thanks!