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TOPIC: Tryin' 275072 Views

Re: tryin 20 Aug 2013 20:50 #216660

skeptical OFFLINE Moderator Posts: 1118 Karma: 78	cordnoy why da "60's"? cordnoy in da 60's!! dat's good!
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Re: tryin 20 Aug 2013 20:58 #216661

cordnoy
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my goodness!
i was on a few threads and lost my own flow.

yes b"H!

My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin

Warning: Spoiler!

My job: Punchin' bag of GYE - "NeshamaInCharge"
Quote from the chevra: "Is Cordnoy truly a Treasure Island pirate from the Southern Seas?"

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: tryin 25 Aug 2013 10:14 #217128

cordnoy
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I was perusing thru old posts from years before and came acrood a kitzur of the 12 steps from Dov.

It is probably on the Dov posts as well.

Thought it was well worth reposting.

b'hatzlachah

Dov wrote:

1st step is admitting all the truth about the extent of our problem. Sobriety grows out of knowing and admitting we cannot afford to act out - or bring ourselves to it by enjoying lust - and all that hurts. But the steps do not bring us to stop acting out. Our pain does. But Pain will not keep us sober. For our real problem is not our lusting, yetzer horas, porn or any of that - our problem is living without them. Real, clean, normal life is unacceptable to us. And the steps are about bringing us the sanity and serenity that enables us to stay sober in real, clean, normal life. It's a miracle. And we hate to admit that.

2nd is admitting that my very best thinking (for years) is precisely what got me here in this mess such as it is and that I lack the power to gain sanity. So I need a Power greater than me to give me the sanity I seek. That has nothing necesarily to do with our sex or lust problem - it is about sanity in general - our crazy thinking that leads us to resent, fear life, G-d, our spouses and families, and run away from good living. Those who twist the 2nd and 3rd steps into the way to fight 'falling' are shortchanging their program and themselves. "Kafui tova"

3rd is to agree to begin growing along truly honest spiritual lines and accept that my G-d knows exactly what is best for me. Again, not just about not acting out our lust - but about being real people again. Life with a capital "L".

4th is to admit that though I want #3, I have too many sick middos and goofy expectations to really live that way fully, so I write out all my complaints with this life He is giving me and clarify what my part in the pain in me is - what my defects are that make the life He is giving me unacceptable or painful.

5th is to admit that openly to another person so I can then begin to finally get honest with myself and with my G-d.

6th is to decide whether I am ready to actually live without the coping mechanisms I have chosen and learned (my defects of character) and really abandon myself to G-d's Will for me in guiding my life and caring for me.

7th is to let my defects go and sincerely ask my G-d to remove them from me by helping me learn a new way to deal with each situation and person that used to vex me.

8th is to face what and how I have wronged others and make a list of that in writing.

9th is to take responsibility and directly apologize for anything I did that hurt them.

10th is to keep that cheshbon up as a daily practice.

11th is to ask G-d to help me mevatel myself to Him and His Will for me and actually join in His plan every day.

12th is to use all these principles/tools as they come up through the day and through my life, as though I were a newbie, never sitting on laurels and never fantasizing that "I've made it", and to freely share these tools with anyone who wants them.

What's goyish in any of this?

My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin

Warning: Spoiler!

Re: tryin 27 Aug 2013 18:12 #217411

cordnoy
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"bent but not broken"

slippin a bit

lookin at stuff (not "boruch learns alef beis" )

have avoided a "second look" at women i wanted to look at again

have not avoided that "second look" at times as well

that is good news and bad news

focus on one; i know (and yes, i know you didn't mean i should focus on one of those women; thank you).

My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin

Warning: Spoiler!

Last Edit: 18 Feb 2016 23:45 by cordnoy.

Re: tryin 27 Aug 2013 19:39 #217430

AlexEliezer OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 1933 Karma: 55	quit playing with fire no women

Re: tryin 27 Aug 2013 19:43 #217431

cordnoy
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so what do you suggest?
no walkin the streets?
takin glasses off?
no computer?
heck, i even had to mention to my wife about the way she was sittin in the car, and her skirt was almost ankle-length!

My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin

Warning: Spoiler!

Re: tryin 27 Aug 2013 21:29 #217442

MBJ
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Are you seriously counting the number of times that you took a second look and didn't take that 2nd look. Please tell me that 27 and 20 are just WAGs.

Also I can understand how in your present situation it may make you uncomfortable to see your wife looking desirable, I would caution you to not reprimand her for it.

I know the slipping feeling. (I like to call it circling the drain.) Find what is causing that feeling and try to deflect it if you can.

Maybe I am off base, if so please correct me, but if you are really to the point that you are counting successes and failures of the "2nd look" perhaps you are putting WAY to much pressure on yourself, and that is probably not a healthy attitude either.

My $0.02

My Story
Only when we make our real lives sweeter than our fantasies will we reap the emotional rewards, the happiness of recovery. - AlexEliezer
Focus on making the right choices as they come up. - Skeptical
When I start to literally accept G-d's Will as guiding my life today, things start to change. - Dov

Re: tryin 27 Aug 2013 21:33 #217445

cordnoy
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firstly, thank you.
Secondly, yes...accurate numbers.
3. whats a wag?
4. shemiras einayim is an issue by me....I am competitive...I gotta change my success rate.
5. I didn't reprimand her; I asked nicely; she knows I am workin on my lust issue.
6. it's not pressure, but it could be backfiring, due to the emphasis.
7. thank you again

My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin

Warning: Spoiler!

Last Edit: 18 Feb 2016 23:46 by cordnoy.

Re: tryin 27 Aug 2013 21:42 #217450

MBJ
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A wag is a "wild a$$ed guess"

Shemiras eynayim is also a huge struggle for me. 20/27, is not 5 days for me but probably one day. (Yes that was a WAG.)

I also understand the competitive thing, that is what kept me going in my first long streak half the time. BUT, you really have to be careful. You don't want the bad feelings you are generating from the 20/27 split to feed your desperation.

Listen man, I like you. You seem really sincere, and you seem like you are taking your addiction very seriously and you really want to get better. Maybe it is just me, but with the lesser things, maybe you just have to keep working, but give yourself a little bit of a break if you fall short of the expectations that you are setting for yourself.

Re: tryin 27 Aug 2013 21:49 #217453

cordnoy
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thank you
I hear you
with my big issue(s), I have been good.
As Pidaini is want to say, just moveon(.org)
don't worry about teshuvah and past; just do da right thing now!

my concern was that I was still lookin inappropriately in street; would that catch up with me and bite me? I figured, "lemme see if I can even try this thing." I never really truly (words I cant stand) made a legitimate attempt to stop taking dat "second look." Should I leave it go for a while? should I get to 120 first? should I wait till my wife does a 180?

you (or others) tell me.

thanks, and I like you too.

My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin

Warning: Spoiler!

Last Edit: 18 Feb 2016 23:47 by cordnoy.

Re: tryin 27 Aug 2013 21:53 #217454

Pidaini OFFLINE Platinum Boarder פדני מעושק אדם-מיצר הרע העושק את הבריות-רש"י Posts: 2189 Karma: 107	Do you like me as well? pleaaaase, pretttty pleeaase...
	Yankel \| My Ladder \| Talking to Hashem I'm just a dude, another guy on this bus. Have a great day, unless, of course, you made other plans. ~ obbormottel "Nothing changes as long as everything stays the same" ~ Dov

Re: tryin 27 Aug 2013 22:01 #217456

MBJ
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I'll tell you my approach. Is it right? Heck I don't know. Is it working for me, sort of mostly, but it is all I have to give.

Shemirat Eynayim is a huge issue for me. I did not realize just how huge until I tried to cut down. But porn and masturbation was also a huge issue for me, and that is much more under control.

I have in my mind a threshold level that I am not willing to cross. That threshold is flexible based on my current state of mind, but whatever. That threshold can be crossed by either looking way to often, or looking way to intently. I have previously written about the difference between seeing a pretty girl on the street and enjoying it, and seeing a pretty girl on the street with your tongue hanging out, your eyes popping out of you head, your neck craned in horrible angles and the only brain really working is the one in your pants. Obviously that kind of looking is completely unacceptable and I slap myself in the face (sometimes metaphorically, sometimes not) when I get to that point. But the other type of seeing is to some extent human, just as long as it doesn't start pulling you in the wring direction. For each and everyone of us that threshold is going to be different. You have to be the judge.

So to make a long story short, yes you should try to work on this aspect of your character, but not make yourself insane working on it, at the expense of more serious issues.

Re: tryin 27 Aug 2013 22:03 #217457

MBJ OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 655 Karma: 114	Pidaini wrote: Do you like me as well? pleaaaase, pretttty pleeaase... eh
	My Story Only when we make our real lives sweeter than our fantasies will we reap the emotional rewards, the happiness of recovery. - AlexEliezer Focus on making the right choices as they come up. - Skeptical When I start to literally accept G-d's Will as guiding my life today, things start to change. - Dov

Re: tryin 27 Aug 2013 22:03 #217458

MBJ OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 655 Karma: 114	Pidaini wrote: Do you like me as well? pleaaaase, pretttty pleeaase... eh
	My Story Only when we make our real lives sweeter than our fantasies will we reap the emotional rewards, the happiness of recovery. - AlexEliezer Focus on making the right choices as they come up. - Skeptical When I start to literally accept G-d's Will as guiding my life today, things start to change. - Dov

Re: tryin 27 Aug 2013 22:27 #217462

AlexEliezer
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cordnoy wrote:

so what do you suggest?
no walkin the streets?
takin glasses off?
no computer?

I suggest you do whatever it takes to keep this monster starved.

Walking in the streets is full of hazards. I read in a chizuk email once that we need to walk in the streets with the attitude that we are only permitted to put ourselves in this spiritually dangerous situation to get where we need to go. The candy store isn't suddenly open just because we need to walk to shul. We need to humbly keep our eyes on inanimate objects. I hold that looking at women is the single most powerful fuel that keeps this addiction going. (The other is entertaining fantasies). Conversely, vigilantly guarding our eyes is the most powerful tool in our hands to overcome it.

So yes, if there's no other way to avoid the view, I will take my glasses off in the street. I will close my eyes for a few seconds as she passes. I will look at a tree, the clouds, the ground. My very sanity is being threatened if I take in her image. The only way I know is to avoid it. If I look because it's still habit to take a first look, I BOUNCE my eyes off her in an instant. This has become a learned reflex. If I look long enough to enjoy her, or even discern her features, that's way too long. I haven't done it in 4-1/2 years, and coincidentally, have been sober the same time.

And yes, no computer. If computer means entertainment or random surfing out of boredom. Hello! You've been on this forum long enough to know how much personal destruction the internet is causing.

Stop listening to your addict.

Commit fully and live!