connected wrote on 05 Jan 2024 14:51:

I have a strange (perhaps) question, and as this particular type of masturbation for me has been long-gone (I have successfully graduated to other types), I honestly don't remember: When you see a hot neighbor (no need for elaboration - see above) and later that night you think of her and begin to masturbate/fantasize. Does the erotic fantasy conjured in your mind switch to your wife, or does it remain fixated on that particular woman/women (halevay)?

Thanks

cordnoy wrote on 05 Jan 2024 18:04:

To be honest, now that you mentioned it, I haven't done this in a while either. I guess I was writing out of past experience. (All those childhood years sitting at my window trying to get a glimpse of her entering the car.)
Back then, after seeing her, she'd usually remain the star of the show till the end of the episode.
Now? Well, now there's porn. So even after seeing someone that I get turned on by, I'd just use that as a springboard - if I were to act on it at all.

Sometimes, I just enjoy it as it is without it leading anywhere. Which is kinda the direction I'm working towards.

cordnoy wrote on 05 Jan 2024 17:58:

Very true point. Can you tell us what you feel is the bigger picture that is sometimes missed?

eerie wrote on 05 Jan 2024 19:45:

One way to look at it is, very often the acting out and the urges stem from underlying issues, such as a difficult childhood, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression and so on. We used an escape mechanism to run away from emotional pain, or as an attempt to fill a void that we felt in our lives. 
So it we'll only focus on the symptoms we'll never get to work on the root of the issues and therefore we'll never be able to really break free and live normally. 

II would like to suggest a slightly different perspective to consider:

The book Feeling Good by David Burns brings studies that 72% of people showed major improvement from depression from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and 67% showed improvement from reading the book Feeling Good (which is about CBT). Many of these people did have deep issues and childhood traumas, and they would benefit from dealing with them, but still a large number had major improvement when retraining their way of thinking, even though CBT for the most part does not focus on those past traumas.

The point is that certain techniques or ideas can be somewhat effective in some cases even without dealing with the root issue. Of course, it would be better to deal with the root issue. But for people who do not, because they are not ready to face it or because they can't afford therapy or whatever, we should be happy if they find some measure of improvement in their porn struggle even if they didn't deal with their root issues. I doubt any of the ideas Cordnoy mentioned are anywhere near as effective as CBT and Feeling Good are for depression, but some of them definitely have provided some help for a certain percent of people, and that is good. And of course, we do hope everyone finds their root issue and solves it.

Exercise, connection, including the forum, and doing something you enjoy are therapeutic interventions for depression, and Urge Surfing, other tools in the toolbox, journaling and CBT from the Cabin Pressure section of the F2F program are therapeutic interventions for anxiety and many other negative emotions. Regarding a difficult childhood, I had one and a lot of it got resolved indirectly by posting and overcoming my struggles. Regarding a low self-esteem, as far as what relates to these struggles the forum does a pretty good job at building a person's self-esteem. Connection, including on the forum, the F2F program and TBOTG are therapeutic interventions for struggles, and the chizzuk and guidance given in the forum is more effective than what can be received in ordinary formal therapy sessions. I have a very good therapist and I am writing from experience. The F2F program might be underutilized because it is hardly mentioned on the forum, perhaps because it is assumed that people are taking the course. There is psychoanalytical therapy which digs deep into the problems of the past and it isn't addressed anywhere on GYE. Modern therapy has moved away from it for the most part but even if and when this is necessary it would have to be done in individual therapy sessions.

There are people who need the 12 steps, traditional therapy, a mentor or partner in addition to the forum and they should do so but the forum isn't meant for that. There might be someone who is using the forum without taking the proper action to effectively overcome his struggles and is just going around in circles. If someone is in that situation he should take note of it and adjust his strategy. As far as the forum goes, there are people who go for traditional therapy for many issues and don't heal for the same reason.

Please specify if there is something that is not being addressed with all of the above.

The only thing missing from the above are the occasional kicks you give people who are (in your eyes) going in the wrong direction. You posted that you have recently been trying to refrain from doing so but we have nobody to substitute you for this and I hope you were only kidding. 

One hell of a stressful week this was.
Only savin'-grace and relaxin' part of it was that I stayed away from here, except to check once or twice daily that the zoo is behavin'.
Not sure if my wife and I touched this week - that's ok as well.

Godspeed

cordnoy wrote on 16 Feb 2024 14:29:

No physical fighting?

cordnoy wrote on 16 Feb 2024 14:29:

abstinence from the forum, can be a good way to reset,
downside is'
it can cause abstinence, of intimacy.
טעמו וראו כי טוב
my love is bubbling over.

So, why are we gettin' the silent treatment?
Hope all is ok 

Godspeed

eerie wrote on 29 Feb 2024 19:07:

hes ok, 
he broke his cane seajacking in the southern sea, and cant get around.
i gave him cane-sugar,
but his body rejected the sweetness

cande wrote on 29 Feb 2024 20:29:

sometimes I think I am having a stroke reading stuff on this forum

Laughing my frum anshildigs off.