Thanks. I might take you up on the offer. The phone calls were at hard times for me to participate.

cordnoy wrote on 04 Jun 2021 14:10:

not a single "but" in here

cordnoy wrote on 04 Jun 2021 14:10:

Guess I haven't been prayin' enough. 

Unless I was and this is His part of His master plan.

Im paga becha menuval zeh, mashcheihu l'Beis haMedrash - Reb Tzadok comments: It does not say "Rrun to the Beis Medrash" or "Escape there," but rather, "Drag him with you." This is because the passion and desire that one has for arayos and inappropriate stuff is the same drive that one can use for learnin' Torah. It is our job to transform the yetzer hara into a Torah-learnin' machine; that is how we serve Hashem with both inclinations.

In Genesis Rabbah, 9:7  we learn: “And God saw all that God had made, and found it very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.” Nahman said in R. Samuel’s name: “Very good” refers to the Good Desire; and “very good” refers to the Evil Desire. Can the Evil Desire be very good? Yes! Without the Evil Desire, no one would build a house, marry, have children, or do business.

The Rabbis believed that the yetzer ha-ra, the Evil Desire, holds life-sustaining power. It’s a challenging idea, that there can be something good – not in Evil – but in our evil desires or inclinations. The Rabbis saw our evil desires as the basis of our creativity and our productivity. If we try to repress it life grinds to a halt.

DavidT wrote on 07 Jun 2022 17:18:

Thank you. The chidush of Rav Tzadok (and I have some other sources and 'tzu shtels') is that the yetzer hara of arayos is what can and should be used to propel someone in Torah-learnin'. Yes, the yetzer hara is needed for procreation (which is actually somethin' I never quite understood - like if he was gone, our wives would undress before us, put on nice lingerie, and we'd stay in our bed and watch the Avalanche win in OT!?), but not only that, he is needed for shteigin'.

What's the mareh mokoim for this R' Tzodok?And could you elaborate a bit on this concept please? I find it fascinating that the passion for aroyos and Torah can come from the same place. What's the connection between the two?

cordnoy wrote on 07 Jun 2022 17:56:

The Gemara in Yoma (Yuma?) Samach Tes:When the Rabanan killed the Yetzer Hara for idol worship, they also wanted to destroy the Ytzer Hora for sexuality. They stopped its power for 3 days, and all chickens stopped laying eggs, because the desire to procreatevanished. They saw that stopping this Yetzer would lead to the destruction of the world, so they limited it by removing the lust for incest with relatives and then restored the rest of the sexual Yetzer Hara

I saw this someplace, and as it is a perspective I have never seen before in print and it is beautifully written, I felt it necessary to share. It is not relevant to all porn watchers, but to quite a few of them/us; enjoy (or not).

My sponsor had me write a thank you letter to porn. I tantrumed first, but now that I did it, it's cool to see what came out. I dunno why I'm feeling so shy to share it, but I am. And I'm gonna do it anyway. 

Dear Porn,
I gotta say that this is the weirdest thing for me to be doing right now, but I actually do wanna say thank you to you for lotsa stuff. Y’know, we haven’t been in contact now for 39 days, and I’m not gonna lie - I DO miss you. A whole lot. See? I even count the days. That’s how important you were in my life!! And although I know that I don’t want you in my life anymore, there was a time that our relationship was once crucial for my survival. We’ve been through a lot together and although it’s time for me to say goodbye, I really must say thank you first. I want you to know how much good you did for me.

If not for you, Porn, I would no longer be alive. You see, I for sure would’ve blown my brains out, no question about it. There’s no way I would have been able to withstand the craziness of my life growing up. My surroundings were so chaotic, I felt so out of control, and you were the only one I was able to rely on. You never lied to me. You, Porn, have always shown up for me time after time again without fail. When I needed you as a crutch, you never let me down. You were my anchor in the storm - the storm raging inside of me, the storm raging inside my home, and through any uncalm weather that would ever come my way. You numbed all my uncomfortable feelings; you brought me to a high. If not for you, I for sure would’ve died. Otherwise, it just would have been too much. Plain and simple. You were so trustworthy. You made me feel good. You made me feel loved. You made me feel safe. You made me feel secure and in control. You made me feel like I belong. You helped me to escape from the chaotic life I was dealing with. You eased the intensity of the horror. You helped block out my past. You gave me a real good sex ed. You really helped me soothe and cope. You introduced me to a whole new world of excitement and fantasy. You helped me to escape when I so badly needed it. You helped me deal with all my negative emotions. For the time being, you took away the pain. The fear. The memories. The flashbacks. The nightmares. The depression. The anxiety. The boredom. The void. The emptiness. The worry. The guilt. The shame. The burden. The stress. The anger. The loneliness. The sadness. The jealousy. The resentments. The abandonment. The bitterness. The confusion. The hurt. The frustration. The hopelessness. The helplessness. The vulnerability. The hatred. The insecurities.

I really want to thank you for all the time you gave me. And for the role you played in my life. And for the growth. Thank you for teaching me how messed up I am. Thank you for helping me to get the help that I need. I was the slave and you were my master. Thank you for showing me how sweet freedom can be. Thank you for showing me what brokenness feels like, so I can hope and pray for wholeness. Thank you for showing me that there’s a fake world out there, so I can actively choose to remain more sheltered. Thank you for making me so miserable, so I can beg God to grant me serenity. Thank you for making me so sad and depressed, so that I can truly yearn for happiness. Thank you for messing up my life, so I can grow instead of stagnating. Thank you for showing me that I can go through hell, and still create a healthy and meaningful life for myself. Thank you for showing me that when there is a will, there is a way. Thank you for triggering me into being a sex addict, so I can meet incredible people at GYE and in SA. Thank you for teaching me what persistence and self control are and are not. Thank you for making all my relationships in shambles, so that I can rebuild them in a much stronger and firmer way. Thank you for making me go through all this, so I can kinda start putting some meaning to my pain.

Thank you for your attention. Thank you for your warmth. Thank you for your unwavering patience. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being so dedicated. Thank you for being so loyal. Thank you for being so perseverant. Thank you for being so helpful when I needed you.

But now, I’m done with your help. You played a role. You served your purposes and you did a great job. At this point, I’ve become way too dependent. You’ve been too pushy and you’ve been interfering with my life. 

So thank you. Thank you again for saving my life when I needed you most. Thank you for showing up for me. Thank you for teaching me what it means to be willing.

Porn, You really changed my life and for that I am forever grateful. 

And now, I would like to wish you farewell. It’s time for me to face the music. Time for me to walk on my own. Time for me to learn how to cope. Time for me to learn to express myself. Time for me to grow up. Time for me to work on myself. Time for me to live. Time for me to give. Time for me to be responsible. Time for me to be strong. Time for me to be happy. Time for me to be joyous. Time to be free. Time for me to be independent. Time for me to be healthy. Time for me to be connected. Time for me to be honest. Time for me to be authentic. Time for me to come clean. Time for me to recover. Time for me to heal. Time for me to face all the stuff I’ve been dodging all along.

Incredible piece of writing.  I heard the concept from Eli Nash but I’ve never seen it laid out and written with such deep understanding.  

Thanks Cords for this. There are literally tears in my eyes, so relatable and beautifully written. I have done some similar work, (not I writing though), but some days, I'm just not ready to say good bye... 

Beautiful and expressive!! A masterpiece. Also classic IFS. When we thank a protector of our self for all the work it did to save us from a dangerous situation. And yes I've done the same work and it is healing. But wow the way you layed it out and expressed it was amazing. Thanks!! 

"T'was nothin' major."
"He's a normal guy."
"I molested my niece as well."
"Desires are ok - nothin' wrong."
"42 million kids are sexually molested every year, what's the fuss if there's another one or two?"
"Get that post off GYE! Folks may learn from him."
"He's not a pedophile; he's just rubbin' his weewee on his 3 year old daughter's tushie."
"There's a difference between thoughts, desires and actions, and actions only count if you molest 9 kids at least (as the statistics say one will)."
"He's not sick; he just enjoys how little kids make him feel."
"Don't be so tough on him (or on others); they may not open up to anyone else."

Now for some of my quotes:
"I don't care what 'normal' means; makes no difference to me."
"GYE is an anonymous, open forum; anyone who gets insulted or ashamed should take stock as to what they wrote and decide if they need changin'."
[The followin' is also not bein' written as a moderator (and it's not really a quote, but a semi ramble):] My 'line' is consent. If a fellow cheats on his wife, it is his decision and he has a willin' partner. [Yes, his wife has not agreed to this arrangement, but that (imho) is outside of our purvey.] If a man likes other men, even if he sleeps with them, is fine for an open discussion on GYE. If a guy likes multiple women, or he enjoys watchin' or engagin' in perverted sex acts, or if he likes bondage etc., that is also within the realm of GYE discussion. [Obviously, as this is a Torah/Jewish site, one should be careful with his manner of speech (unlike me), so he doesn't drive people away from seekin' help.] Where I draw the 'line' is when one is preyin' on little boys or girls; that is when serious, real help is needed, and it is needed fast. GYE cheerleadin' squad is out of their league then. I'm not kickin' these exploiters out, but they need to be told that one who is a PEDOPHILE or a MOLESTOR needs expert guidance, not fluffy chizuk speeches.

[Like in most posts, there are some hangin' questions: What happens if a fellow is a rapist? Howbout if a guy puts little kids on his lap and likes the feel of it? I don't necessarily know the answers to those or other questions, and I probably will not debate philosophical discussions, but as there were some posts about this and some private messages on all types of systems, I felt it was appropriate for me to let you know where I stand. There can be disagreements, and that's fine. I'm not even sayin' I'm right. for I don't know, but the above are simply my opinions.]

Godspeed to all

cordnoy wrote on 19 Dec 2022 14:45:

Holy crap. I hope your not trying to quote me here.  You know I would agree to everything you wrote, if his post included things like "I molested my niece as well."  and well as "he was rubbin' his weewee on his 3 year old daughter's tushie.

Human being wrote on 20 Dec 2022 04:01:

He did not post that!!
I sent it to you check your email, hope I don’t get punished for this,but that life.