cordnoy wrote:


If it's not worth spellin' out, it's not worth hintin' about.

Thank you for sharing!!!

All I can say is Keep on reaching out, isolation is numbness's sustenance!!

KUTGW!!

Just wanna report regardin' point # 1 above.....da fellow told her as well that suicide is not an option at the present moment, and therefore it would be best if they part ways....he's a strong guy....kudos to him! Bravo!

hatzlachah to all

There were two issues that were layin' heavily on my mind regardin' my last fall.

1. How could it take a mere few minutes of givin' in to lust to fall backwards in to the filth I was into from over 13 months beforehand (granted that there were another two falls in between)? Haven't I learned enough with therapist and SA group to be a bit smarter than that? Have I zero control? Ok...lust, but so low (and sorry that I'm not delineatin' here).

2. Why was I in such emotional pain this time? Why did it hurt so much? Last time (after 115 days of bein' clean), it was an enjoyable week with three falls? Why was this time (after 158 days) so short and nauseatin'?

After speakin' with an expert today, it seems that there is one answer to both. Yes, I am in recovery (I have not recovered - ain't that the truth?...I am in the recovery process), but recovery does not mean "free from lustin'." That can be an outcome if one is workin' the steps or whatever way he is recoverin', but the definition of recovery is not free of lust. Recoverin' means to understand and accept that I am an addict. It is the understandin' that I know and realize that this poison will make my life unmanageable (as it has in the past, and as it will do in the future). Recovery means the comin' to grips that the female body and sex in general is not to be worshipped and sought after, and if I can't have my fill then it affects my entire life. A woman on the street is merely that...she is a woman on the street, and she has nothin' to do with me. Relations with my wife is not my business! if it happens, it happens. [We take this station break to point out and emphasize that I am nowhere near thinkin' like this all the time and not even most of the time, but sometimes....and I am comin' to terms that this is the way I should be thinkin'.]

Accordingly, when these realizations don't play a roll, and I succumb to my old style of thinkin', I am immediately transformed back into the crazy porn addict low life I always was and always will be (without recovery), and no action is deemed too low, for why should it be? Life is about indulgin' in pleasures and this right now is what excites me and turns me on. And my friends, there is a drawback (a minor one) of bein' somewhat in recovery. I have become sensitized to lust like I never was in my life. In my previous three decades, the lust was part of my life and enjoyment. I could "go" for five hours, three days, a week and a half until "givin' in (so to speak)," for there was no thought process behind the pleasure. But now, I know precisely what it is I am doin'. I am not livin' life; I am throwin' it away. This break aint no party; it is nauseatin' and bitter. Nobody stays overtime at a funeral. It ain't pretty and it's over as soon as it started.

I know that I have a certain style of writin' and perhaps here it may even come out that I know what I'm talkin' about. Fellows, I don't really. Some of what I wrote makes sense to me; some of it is bangin' around inside of me and it may have merit. Parts (that I made up) may even be shtussim gemmurim.

I write for myself and for whoever might get somethin' from it.

b'hatzlachah to all

From Pidaini (via email): yeah, knowledge isn't the answer.


it's the knowledge that is supposed to bring the action that is the answer.


I can know from today until tomorrow that I have strep, and exactly what it does and how it works and what will cure it and how to avoid it...but if I don't go take anti biotics, it ain't gonna go away.


I feel the same here, we know exactly how it works, even where and when we are going wrong. but we just don't have the mindpower to turn it around ourselves, we need to take the actions to really stay safe.

From Gevurah (via email): Makes a lot of sense. As we work through recovery we become more aware of both the good and the bad and the conflict inside us between what we feel we want and what we know we ought to think hurts more.


Thank you

Just to let you know that things are very well here...Baruch Hashem!

On all fronts.

b'hatzlachah to all

cordnoy wrote:



Then you wrote:




1- Way too much thinking for me here....the main problem with thinking too much is that it ALWAYS means there will be less doing. Always. Funny how that works (but don't bother figuring it out. Smarter people than you and I have done that already. And many of them are probably masturbating right now...)

2- So the Romanian sex-talk person you have been struggling with for some time now, is a therapist?

I wonder if a really good 'relationship-ender' to put you out of your misery could be simply that you are calling up the Romanian Psych board to tell them she has been a willing phone sex partner for years with you (which will destroy her career) if she ever talks to you again. She won't like that.

And it's not nice, I know.

How 'nice' did Hashem want us to play to the Midyanite women?

It would work, no? Have you thought of that before? Have you done it?

Why not?

[Sorry if I got the facts wrong - if so, ignore all I just wrote and accept my apologies for screwing it all up.]

3- And do you think there is not going to be another lust woman you hook up with in a similar way you did with her after she is really, really gone? Say, next year?

Seriously, this is a question. And I would like to know what the ramifications are either way, if you can wrote them out.

Just suggestions for a friend.

- Dov

DOV!!!!!!!!







I take this opportunity to welcome you back to the GYE forum. I - we - really missed you here and in particular I missed your priceless words of "TOUGH LOVE" which I have come to learn to appreciate so much!
May you be zoche to strength and time to continue helping your "troubled brethren" through the gift of wisdom bestowed on you from Hashem.
K O P !!!!!!!

Thanks so much!

1. Yes; thinkin' ain't no good...just gotta do what's right for that moment.
2. nice idea.....
3. I'm not sure where you goin' with this one....another one!? Firstly...no; I don't think so. Secondly, way too much thinkin'.

Thanks again

I will not make this long for i hate religion and philosophy on this site.

I don't like usin' the word "yetzer" on this site when referrin' to my desire.

Why?

There was a different thread where the poster felt that the lust issue was not his real self...it was removed from him.

the "yetzer" has that connotation as well; it is not me...it is the yetzer's doin'.

Well...hear ye, hear ye (at least to me)! My lust, desire, selfish, addictive behavior, fantasy craved mind, etc. is all ME! Nobody else; nothin' else!

So Cords/Avrohom...deal with it!

b'hatzlachah

Hey Cordnoy,
Did Hashem just add a "ה" to your name?
What's next- are the "G"'s just around the corner? (-:

i love religion and philosophy.
but my religion says not to annoy others, so i also will be short
the yetzer is NOT me. yet i take responsibility for listening to him.

cordnoy wrote:




lavi wrote:



BTW - Cordnoy prefaced his post with "I will not make this long for i hate religion and philosophy on this site."

In other words -
"נישט אויף שבת גירעדט" BUT...

So I''ll be accommodating to him and take his example, and I'll also say nisht philosophy geredt but -

בא הכתוב השלישי ויכריע ביניהם
I have once seen written in a sefer long ago, [I don't remember which, maybe R' Dessler, or R' Eliyahu Lopian], How can a person know if something he is considering doing is being encouraged by the Yetzer tov or by the Yetzer Horah? [surely there are choices where it's obvious, but sometime there are pros and cons].
The way to recognize it is, if the feeling is "I" think this is what I should do", then it probably is coming from the Yetzer Hora.
If the feeling is, as if an outside force is telling him "This is what "YOU" should do" then it's coming probably from the Yetzer Tov.
He explains this by the fact that Hashem created the Yetzer Harah in the form of the "Nachash Hakadmomi" - The serpent which enticed Adam and Chava to partake of the fruit of the "Eitz Hadaas. The Midrashim explain, that through their consuming the forbidden fruit, The Nachash was הטיל בה זוהמה. The power of the "venom" of the serpent/the yetzer Hara, became an INTERNAL part of the person. That is, as opposed to the power of the Yetzer Tov, which remains an EXTERNAL inclination.

So as to the מחלוקת between רב אברהם קורדנוי & רב לוי, what this tells us is that the YH is BOTH me and not me. It is not me per se', it is a serpent, a power/inclination which tempts us, but which has attached itself - [עץ הדעת - Daas=Chibur/connection] - to function as part of our internal selves, thus it is me.

but הלכה למעשה as far as responsibility is concerned, there's really no difference because, as Lavi stated, I must except full and complete responsibility for whatever pitfalls I fall into as a result of not acting correctly in the face of the challenges.

Addition to previous post:
Through being diligent in following in the way of the Yetzer Tov, We Make The YT also INTERNAL, as we see from the words of the Tefilla of Shabbos, ותן בנו יצר טוב לעבדך ...
We ask Hashem for סיעתא דשמיא in following the YT until it also becomes בנו, an Internal part of us.

i love it.
you see i was going to write what you wrote, but i had rachmonos on cordnoy,so i just pointed out the other way of looking at things.
and my dear shivisi, a bissel derech eretz, this is cordnoy's thread, and it isn't nice to write religion and philosophy, if he doesn't invite you to. only b'kitzer.