OK so my first 2 dates went well. While that is great it means that very soon (in the next date or 2) I have to (according to the psak I got from my Rav) tell her about my struggle.

So does anyone have any advice for me? How should I begin the conversation? Should I do it at the beginning or the end of the date? Should I tell her in front of my Rav or should I ask her to speak to him afterwards? (He offered to do either.) Should I tell her my username on this forum and the 90 day chart?

Any advice would be a help for me and hopefully for many of the other singles (and maybe even married guys) here!! May we all have Hatzlacha in this battle and the search for our bashert!!

You have to tell her after 3 dates???

needtoquit wrote:


I don't want to disagree with your Rov, but my Rov did not tell me to tell my wife. also just for curiosity, why did he say you have to say?
But in regard to married men telling their wives, he (who is btw a very successful marraige counseler) recently told me "stay away from telling your wife, further than from fire!!! they just don't understand and take it extremely personaly"

MBJ wrote:

My Rav recommended discussing it when it begins to get serious. He felt that was about 3 dates. That way I have been honest from the earliest point which is reasonable and she has a chance to decide whether this is something which she understands and can deal with. Because I think that one's wife can be a strong source of support in a struggle, but only if she is up to the challenge. (I personally can't wait to have a reliable password keeper who I can reach when I need them and wouldn't just give me the password for no reason.)

Pidaini wrote:

No problem I don't want to disagree with your Rav either. Maybe it really is different for married men, but I think it may really be more important. There is a possibility that a single guy may be "cured" by the time he actually marries his prospective kallah. Someone who has the problem when they are married has proven that it is a problem that needs to still be dealt with. We didn't get into what I had to say. I will need to clearify that with him before I go ahead.

Rabbi Twerski said that one should tell a prospective spouse. See here.

One thing about my personal scenario is that we discussed that challenges of internet and its impact on chinnuch and agreed it is an almost overwhelming problem and if possible we would want to avoid it in the house. I told her about my experience at the Internet Assifah last year. (WOW!! I just realized that it has been about a year since I found GYE and really started taking this seriously!!)

I didn't choose to tell my wife. She caught me . From my own experience and from what I have read here, although it IS hard for a wife, and she CAN NOT really understand, it has been helpful to me and many others that our wives know about our problem. It has helped keep us sober and has even been a source of greater understanding and closeness. My wife even commented to me that she never would have asked for this problem, but feels closer (yes closer) to me as a result.

I can only imagine that telling before marriage is easier. You haven't betrayed her trust. Let's say you aren't "cured" before you get married and she does catch you, things will be MUCH worse.

It's probably a good idea to talk to your rav again about how and when to tell. Starting is the hardest part. Once the 2 of you are talking, I think it will just flow naturally. I would not rush to tell her your username here.

Just my 2 cents.

I see the point of starting clean, and like gibbor said she won't take it as a personal rejection the way your wife would take it.

I would maybe start generally and go into details only as necessary. It is one thing to share your problem, another to get into the gory details. Also I would agree with gibbor again not to share your username. You may need privacy in the future.

Also a word of caution. Marriage can be wonderful once you are cured. Marriage will not provide a cure. If your are still in the sickness, it will only make it worse.

Lastly, talk about different world from mine that 3 dates are serious.

I'm pretty sure that for the most part, you should not get too specific. She won't understand anyway. You should get the general idea across. That being said, if she asks some questions, you may have to be a bit more specific, but I wouldn't volunteer details. You will have to do your best... and don't forget to daven well for siyata dishmaya.

Keep us posted.

They key her is her trust of you.

You don't know whether or not she is willing to continue the relationship if she finds out, but one thing is certain, that if she doesn't feel like she can trust you you have no chance. Make sure you are not presenting even the slightest image of fakery or ga'avoh and you will have a good shot at this.

You also need to consider whether you trust her, that if she gets turned off and breaks off, will she keep quiet about it?

Hatzlacha

MT

I spoke to my Rav again. I think I might have misunderstood him originally. He said I don't have to say anything yet. Or maybe it was just based on my non-committal that this is for sure the right girl. Either way he said we should talk again later in the process and re-evaluate if/what/when I should tell her.

Thanks everyone for the great insights. Especially about not sharing my user name.

Hatzlacha to us all!!

My understading is that according to Rabbi A J Twersky one should definately say.

As for how to say, when to say and what to say, its important to get specific guidance.