Hahah!!




But can't recall the "2-"!!

Thank you all for your comments. Truth is, staying away from the forum hasn't helped me either, in some ways things got worse, so I might as well update.

I started going to a lot more meetings but found myself relapsing hard. I called an experienced member and he said something like "yeah, it will keep getting worse until you fully surrender. What you've been doing is using meetings as another way of keeping yourself sober, and you can't keep yourself sober, only G-d can."

So I'm trying to accept that really He is in charge of whether or not I act out because I cannot control my addiction. Even with meetings, filters, calling people, reading the book etc etc I cannot keep myself sober. So if it's all up to Him anyway I may as well relax a little.

I feel like Hashem communicates His will for me through my addiction. If I do something wrong, (or should I say if He thinks I could be doing something better,) He'll call me on it and show that my way of living isn't working out so well.

After one recent relapse I felt that I needed to get rid of videos so I did. It was hard but I've felt a lot better since.

I have a tablet that I use for games, news, emails and skype for SA calls and phone meetings. It has a filter so strong that it basically disabled my browser entirely, meaning that I could not access torahanytime which was one of things I most wanted from my tablet. But what can you do.

Yesterday I realised that I could access SA materials through an app. Then I realised that I could access torahanytime the same way. I tried it and it worked. Hurray! I found a shiur and went to bed. This morning I woke up and realised "heeeeeey, I could probably access porn the same way...." Long story short, this afternoon I acted out.

OK so if it's up to Hashem whether or not I act out and if Hashem communicates to me through my addiction, what is it that I need to do? At first I rejected the obvious, I need to get rid of the tablet.

Slowly I realised that if I can get round the filter then I have no filter and there's no question about it, the tablet has to go, along with the games I was wasting so much time on.

Wow, now I'm videosless and gameless. What do I do with myself?

I feel like Hashem is trying to fashion a normal human being out of me one thing at a time. Hey Watson, you could even pick up a sefer every once in a while. Listen to music, read a book, just stop constantly pressing that screen like a rat in a lab experiment!

I wonder what Hashem has in store for me next. In the meantime I'm still waiting and davening for long-term sobriety.

What's next? You are going to act after walk downing the street and seeing a pretty girl and then you are going to hibernate like the bears do?

Come on Doc! The Doctor's gotta have a better prescription!

Yeah, but see, I don't.

In any case if you can stay sober with an unfiltered tablet I take my hat off to you. I can't do that.

Doc, you know that's not my point. Of course, i strongly suggest having a filter but we cant JUST rely on the filter to keep us clean! We need MORE than that or rather something DEEPER than that.

A filter is only a geder. If one really wants to find porn, he'll be able to. But it's critical to the cause to set up these gedarim.

A famous (can't remember his name though) sculptor once said "you see a block of marble and wonder how I make it into a lion. I see a lion trapped in a block of marble, all I need to do is chip away anything that's not lion."

Similarly I think Hashem can see a tzaddik in a block of earth, blood and sinews. All He needs to do is remove anything that's not tzaddik.

Moshcheini acharecho norutzo.

Doc,

if it's any consolation to you....whenever I feel like connectin' again, or other stuff, I repeat to myself the words of my Doctor , when he told me and reminded me that there is only one rule to be a member of SA, and that is simply, that we have a desire to stop lustin'. In all our deep discussions, it boiled down to this at the end: do you wanna' or don't you wanna? I am not gonna turn the tables and ask you; I will just say that you have helped me immensely, and I am "forever grateful," and that is much more preferable than bein' "gratefully dead."

IMO this is the opposite of step 1.

After years of trying every method I could think of (literally hundreds) to keep myself sober and failing, I have come to realise that I cannot keep myself sober. At all. Period. I am simply not in control. It's literally impossible for me. I speak for myself only.

So it cannot be my job to stay sober. G-d would not give me a job to do that was literally impossible. Therefore it cannot be my job or my responsibility.

When you say G-d helps, you make it sound like we're the ones doing it, He's just helping. That's the opposite of what's really going on.

It is His responsibility. Our job is simply to follow His direction as best we can. That bit alone is our responsibility.

Lemoshol, last week I had to do a job at work that was too hard for me at my level. I work and stressed and tried everything and couldn't do it properly. Suddenly my manager walked in and came over. Immediately the stress vanished, it was no longer my responsibility, it was my manager's. So he sat next to me and told me what to enter into the computer, line by line, till the job was done.

Technically I was doing the typing, a monkey looking at this would assume I was doing the work, it even bears my initials. But far from my manager helping me do the job, in reality he was actually doing it and I was doing nothing but following direction.

As the manager it's ultimately his responsibility to make sure all the jobs get done. That doesn't mean I don't have to do anything, I have to do my work as best I can, but at the end of the day, the success or failure of the team is not up to me, it's up to the manager.

Step 1 is realising I am not in control over the success or failure of my efforts. Step 2 is realising that I have a manager. Step 3 is being willing to follow His direction.

So I'm sitting here at my computer, bored, trying to procrastinate and I just want someone to write something so outrageous on the forum that I can spend half an hour or so writing a reply, with quotes if I'm very bored, so I can 'fix' him, take the credit, get my ego stroked and relieve my boredom for a while.

Then it suddenly hit me how sick I am myself. Getting pleasure from commenting on other people's personal hell when I'm currently one week clean!

lol at self

That's usually me!

So, I meant to take some of our old letters on trip...this way maybe I could figure out why we got married in the first place.
Lo and behold; I forgot.
Now what?
I'm supposed to think of five reasons, and the only one I can come up with is her organization skills.
Geez; I could hire a secretary, and I'd be much better off!
Perhaps two secretaries (with varied schedules).
Hopefully, over the flight, i'll think of four more.

But, like I've been sayin' the last several days....I will be prayin' for help in this area.

Now Doc; go for it!
And don't be nice......(please).

lol, I guess I kinda walked into that one!

I guess the fact that you have letters in the first place says a lot. And the fact that you still have them over 20 years later.

Wimp!

Watson wrote:


got a idea for you, post how much you appreciate gye and then tell me that my idea was a good one, and stroke my ego instead.

I'm very grateful to Hashem to day for keeping me sober today.

I'm very grateful to GYE for pointing me in the right direction, and for allowing me to pour my insanity onto this thread.

I'm very grateful to Lavi (and everyone else) for being an inspiration to us all.

In other news, I blocked youtube yesterday. I can barely believe how long it took to be willing to give it up, but b"H I did. I barely used it anyway, I just went in every so often to disable the safety features and act out with what can't even accurately be described as porn.

I heard another gem from Sandy yesterday. How long does it take to do a fourth step? About one year and 4 hours. So true!