Is the former option really in your best interest? Or is that leBAD WORD REMOVEDascha before you started recovery (because deep down, no one would do it if they didn't think the momentary high was in their best interest)?

Chachaman wrote:


Whether we say it or not, our actions prove what we think is in our best interest. Our actions prove what we truly beleive, not what we say.

Day 1 as always

Still clean b''H. Sorry I haven't updated but I've been real busy. Yetzer horah strategy #7. B''H I made it through that OK.

Oy then I had a fight with my wife over shabbos. YH strategy # 12.

Been a rough day. My wife got some bad news today. She was understandably upset and I tried my best to comfort her and be supportive. But she crying off and (mostly) on for about 8 hours straight. I mean the news was certainly unpleasant but not so terrible. But that's just the way I look at it, and I tried hard to be understanding to the way she looks at it. Even so, after the first 4 hours I felt very drained. I had to leave the room but she kept coming in for more reassurance, which I gave, but now I'm totally drained and I have nothing left to give right now.

Oh boy, an emotional wife, YH strategy #48, porn doesn't need my emotional support.

funny thing is, it never occurred to me to look at porn. Even now, I know in my head it's a possibility but it hasn't crossed my mind as an actual option of how to spend my chillout time. Ah yes, complacently thinking I'm already cured, YH strategy # 16

Truth is I do struggle when my wife gets like this. Emotional, short-tempered, too grumpy to cook dinner or clean up. This isn't how I saw things turning out when I asked her to marry me. It's hard to accept certain things the way they are.

But I guess every married man has the same experience. Let go and let G-d.

Its best to be married to a real human being. Hatzlocha being her husband, not her savior nor her G-d. It's tough for all of us to be real human beings and keep ourselves right-sized, it seems.

Dov wrote:


What do you mean by this?

I think he means that even though you could not fix the problem or help her move, you still did great. Its Hashem's job to assist any Jew in need. Even if you can't, don't worry. Hashem will help her.

--some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

I meant that it is natural to want to save - or rather be the savior of - the woman we love...or really of anybody we love. When a wife is needy, we give her support, patience, love. And it is very natural to insidiously slip into the role of fixer/savior. That puts too much responsibility on us, leads to us playing G-d in a funny sort of way, and gets us too emotionally involved with their problem to really be of any use to them. Ouch, that hurts. In other words, their pain affect us so deeply that the issue becomes about us, though it is not. It's their issue.

Ishti k'gufi means that this dynamic is even more likely. And a spouse needs a strong spouse, not a worn down one.

That can be tough, no? To pull back for the sake of keeping our own sanity so that we can remain truly available for them...tough to explain to them, sometimes. But in the long run, when we take care of ourselves, they learn by example and eventually help themselves (instead of mostly just vomit on us, etc).

My wife has told me that she picked up program things from watching me change over the past 15 years or so and has grown in herself though I stopped nagging her to change a long time before. I had no clue.

Does that mean anything useful?

Dov wrote:

Just thought I'd weight in. I read the Captain Kirk post and was really inspired. However I still have the some reluctance because as Dr. Watson pointed out:
Dr.Watson wrote:

And I was definitely once one of those people. However, that is part of my reluctance. The other part is that my first name although not being Chuna-Feitel is still unique enough that I show up on the first page of Google search. And I have no desire to add my GYE posts to that list of results.

However, recently I found a really nice feature in the formatting section of the posting page and thought I'd share it. It allows you to block certain content from guest users. This way only people who are serious enough to sign up, and are most likely fellow lust addicts, can see it and it shouldn't be indexed by search engines. Below is an example. I'm still not ready to use it but hopefully someone is closer to that stage will find it helpful.

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Hatzlacha to us all!

Good points! Thanks. And it's great that you see that it is a pity that GYE has these limitations.

How about this suggestion, just for the sake of getting those great goodies that realness brings me and other folks every single person I know who does it:

Find some people here on GYE or elsewhere whom you trust to guard your secrets, and open up to them completely without holding anything back for shame. And bring with you your real voice, persona, identity and your face, too. No paper bags with eyeholes. No fake names from a virtual website allowed. Maybe start on the phone, but eventually meet and talk over a cup of coffee now and then. There are many SA members who would be happy to meet with serious recovering guys who are interested in getting more help. I have arranged more than a few shidduchim of this type already and there have been some guys here who have testified what a change it has made in their lives.

I like to let people know that we frum, chronic porners and masturbaters are actually the poorest guardians of our own secrets....though we of course trust them to no one else! And when we open up to other sickos like us who are in recovery, we find they are far better 'guardians' of our secrets than we are! For we screw up and get caught sooner or later. Sheesh...

But they seem to keep our secret just fine! I guess it is because they have the same secrets themselves, and are not the ones acting out...we are.

And there's more. Most guys who open up to other safe, clean people who really know this craziness personally, find they have changed the playing field. No, they don't get suddenly 'cured', of course. But dropping that terrible, heavy burden of shame and secrecy gives them a new lease on life: a taste of sanity and honesty!

Sweeter than porn, actually.

needtoquit wrote:



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Hi guys. It's been a while since I checked in properly, so here it is.

Day 1 as ever:

Actually I'm still clean and I'm really happy about it. I'm trying to ocus on recovery, not just abstention. I started attending one or two groups and I call into the GYE conferences regularly. I feel good, like I'm on the verge of real, long-lasting success in this area. B''H, yodu lashem chasdo...

At the same time I've been at this long enough to know that I'm not out of the woods yet. Massive urges are never too far away, and when the urges come, I tend to forget important things like how far I've come and how far I want to go.

So that's on my mind. I want to delay the battle as long as possible but I know that battles are coming and although they'll take me by surprise, I can try to prepare the right mindset for it.

Reminding myself of my taphsic (I keep forgetting about it because b''H I've only used it once): If I get an urge I must say tehillim 6 slowly and with kavonoh. If I do and still fall, I get a knas of saying tehillim 1-4, if I don't say tehillim 6 and fall, I get a knas of saying all sefer tehillim.

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Have a great shabbos guys

Thanks for sharing that, chaver. Good stuff.

Great stuff Dr W!

Have a great Shabbos!

niiiiiiiiiiiiice.

git shabbos.

Day 1

Well it's been 3 weeks since I last fell and I've experienced no urges during this time. B''H things are good at home, I'm learning, I'm well, everything's great.

And that's worrying me. If this a trick? am I being led along a path with no difficulties to give me a false sense of security, and then when I relax, bam! It will hit me from nowhere and I won't even see it coming. It will knock me right off my comfortable perch. And the longer this nice easy path goes on for, the more frustrated and disheartened I'll be if it happens.

Am I crazy to think like this?