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I think I sometimes feel entitlement to have lots of women, or, more specifically, really gorgeous women, i.e. ones with bigger......or smaller....... But, with the knowledge that Hashem is my shepherd, I am not lacking any gorgeous women in my life. No need to fight reality. It's like a SA prayer I heard someone say: "G-d, please let me find in You what I'm looking for in acting out" Boruch Shomeah tefillah!

Dr. Watson, I always find you inspirational. You seem to always pull through hard times. I feel that if you can make it through those challenges, then I can make it through mine!

Eliyahu / Elias / some_guy

Has anyone else noticed that when you want to post on GYE you have to 'submit'? Without submission we can't get anywhere on GYE.

Dr.Watson wrote:



And to broaden this idea, Here is a copy of ALL the definitions of the word "SUBMIT" from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.
If you think about it ALL of these definitions fit the bill for GYE!!!

[I'LL LEAVE THE EXPLANATIONS FOR SOME1 ELSE]



SUBMIT

Full Definition of SUBMIT

transitive verb
1
a : to yield to governance or authority
b : to subject to a condition, treatment, or operation
2
: to present or propose to another for review, consideration, or decision; also : to deliver formally
3
: to put forward as an opinion or contention

intransitive verb
1
a : to yield oneself to the authority or will of another : surrender
b : to permit oneself to be subjected to something
2
: to defer to or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another

I really want to act out right now so I'm going to post here instead.

I was doing so well and then, earlier this week, from nowhere came the idea to look at a few pictures. A few turned into a lot and I fell 3 times. I haven't fallen 3 times in one day for over a year.

I was so upset. I thought I had figured out the minimum I needed to do each day to keep my sobriety but it seemed I was wrong. What's the alternative? To listen to the guy who told me he needed at least 4 meetings a week?! You know I have other things that need doing too!

Then I remembered that I actually had not done my program that day at all. I had not done the reading and only done one prayer instead of at least two. So maybe it's not so bad after all. If I can stick to my relatively easy routine maybe I'll be alright.

I'm in a bad mood today though. One of my co-workers wasted so much of my time today I came home feeling very frustrated. I think he's confused between explaining something and making me watch him do his work. It's really irritating. Sort it out in your own mind and then tell me what you want to tell me. Don't call me over and then start thinking!

I had to hang around an extra hour and a half waiting for him to explain something that, now I know what it is, could have been explained in 3 minutes. It's really not right to waste my time like that!

I'm also a bit worried that I looked and sounded as impatient as I felt and I'm making problems for myself at work.

Besides that my boss looked over a piece of work that I did with extra care, trying to make sure it was thorough and complete. He ripped it apart. Not a nice word was said about it.

I'm kind of upset about it and kind of determined that next time I'm in his office he'll have to compliment my work. Of course that's what I said last week too.

So things happened to me that are beyond my control and I didn't enjoy, and I feel like taking something for myself which I will enjoy. Only I also want to stay sober.

This morning as I was praying I asked Hashem something for the first time. I thought if Hashem can do anything anyway, why am I always asking for sobriety just for today? Why shouldn't I ask for what I really want? So I asked for 90 days, and iy"H another 90 after that and another and another.

Of course my mindset still has to be about today, yesterday and tomorrow are irrelevant. But I can still ask my G-d for more than that. Harchev picho va'amal'eiyhu, no?

Gevaldigggg Doc

I don't know what's so gevaldig about being in a bad mood, but thanks for replying.

I really want to look at some porn right now. I turned my computer on to study and I basically decided to look at some pictures. Not to masturbate chas vesholom, oh no no no no, that would be wrong! Just a bit of looking.

And then I thought "Wasn't it you who said to a guy a couple of weeks ago that staying sober is your number one priority, that whatever you need to do to stay sober is worth it because it's the path to so much brocho? Hypocrite!"

Then I noticed a shiur by R' Twerski sitting on my desktop called 'doing your part to repair the world' so I thought I'd watch it. First I'll look at a little porn, then I'll watch the shiur.

No no no, idiot! Anyone can act out then watch a nice shiur about how I can do my bit to perfect the world and feel inspired. It's feeling inspired before acting out - that's the bit that actually perfects the world! So I will try my very best to see the day out without looking at even a single pornographic picture. Hopefully some good will come out of that, even if I fall tomorrow.

Er... Doc... excuse my ignorance, but I don't chapp. You have access to porn on your computer?? And you are serious about trying to recover? How's that?

תם מה הוא אומר - מה זאת

Good work!!!

Dr.Watson


Who cares about tomorrow? Let's just keep concentrating on today. Keep it up!

oh and Smile!

Machshovo Tova wrote:


I have a filter but there's one website I can't block. I should give TAG a call I guess. Thanks for pointing that out.

your posts lately have been magnificent

good stuff

I believe you mentioned that your wife knows somewhat.

If that is the case, why don't you install a monitoring system from your computer to her?

This is a question that if you would have asked me while I was busy with all sorts of stuff, I would have given you many answers on why this is not a good thing.

b'hatzlachah

cordnoy wrote:


Thank you, but to be honest I really don't care how magnificent or otherwise my posts are, I care about my behavior IRL and how I feel. I certainly don't enjoy struggling just so I have some good things to write about.

I just called TAG and they said there is a way for me to block what I need to block, so I need to get my dad to let me into the settings and change them.

Dr.Watson wrote:


Wow, I'm impressed by how quick you took care of that. I guess you're quite serious in trying to recover. I'm confident that you'll follow thru with your dad. And as the sforim say, we see from Yosef Hatzadik that seeing (or picturing) dad's face (dyukno shel aviv) is a segula to stay clean.

Hatzlacha

MT

Don't get me wrong R' Avrohom, I appreciate the chizzuk, I really do. Thank you. I'd just rather live magnificently than post magnificently.