whats up doc?

First of all you have to get that safety mode enabled by someone else. That is the first thing you should be working on because whenever the yetzer hits us the computer is the first thing we go to and if we can have it blocked up that is success!

It seems like you are fighting the yetzer which from experience, we all know doesn't work. We are definitely weaker and he will win. Try not to fight. Try to relax and give it over to Hashem. Giving it over to Hashem is extremely hard so for now try to take a couple deep breaths and go for a walk. Or even better try calling or messaging a fellow GYE member. This relieves me very much.

Anyways, it seems like your doing great! Be happy, life is wonderful, every day is a brand new day, keep moving forward!!

Hey Doc, thanks for sharing all that here. I relate so much, know the pain.

So thanks for sharing it here - it is an old 'friend'. Like describing an old, tattered and moldy-smelling blanket. Yeah, the smell is unmistakable. An old, bad memory - but a memory. It's mine. It's ours.

No speeches or advice necessary. None of that is relevant, I think. You know it all. I just understand, and please keep being open and real abt where your sick head goes. To me, sharing that understanding is precious, without need for speeches. And it helps more than any Torah, yiddishkeit, speeches or whatever.

You are not the only pervert here. I am one, too. And b"H I am sober and recovering this very precious day. Thanks for writing the truth. Please keep doing just that.

Lots of love,

Dov

Doc, I just don't know.
If your/mine wife would be a model, would it really be any better?
Once that bedroom door is closed, does it really make that much of a difference?
And yes, I do understand that there are extremes, but if she fits into the average, what would be different if she was transposed into ....... (fill in your own fantasy)?

The bottom line is...for whatever reason, and like MBJ, MendelZ, Steve, Pidaini and others have been saying, the wives libido is destined from God. She was given to you and that is your lot. Can there be hishtadlus in some vein? Yes. But like it has been said here countless of times, using lust - even a little bit - with our wives, for us addicts (or whatever the heck we are), is dangerous.

We look at the shapely legs, the high heels, the other features that are around us, and if the genie would magically transpose our wives into those other women, would we stop looking?

Doc, I don't think the answer to that is Yes.

We still would look.

And to add, you didn't start out with this issue...the wife...at least you didn't say so...I don't think. There were others (myself included) who spend way too much time on the lack of intimacy with our wives. But whatever the case, let us not blame our shortcomings on our wives' looks, features, habits and hormones.

It is difficult for me to write this when I know by me and by others that the bedroom upstairs (or wherever it is) is the key trigger to our lustful thoughts. If I would have the strength and the courage I would tell you some of my thinking during these ten days; some of the ultimatums perhaps that I issued to myself...if this and this wouldn't happen, whatever. I gotta get over it! I have been steeped in this behavior for way too long.

You were just married. Give your wife a chance. Work on your side. Give her space. Many here have seen success. Read chullent's posts. Some still have it rough.

I am beginning to ramble, and perhaps the entire post of mine was one big ramble.

It should be b'hatzlachah.

I am guessing it's because you don't appreciate a lot of other things in your life, you spend your life being a good boy, doing your "duty", and you think that your "duty" is not the best for you. You think that the reward for the mitzvos is only in olam ha-ba. Actually it's in olam ha-ze too, and it sounds like you are not getting any.




You hit the nail on the head. Even if you could have sex with all the women on the street, you would still find more beautiful women somewhere else. You feel the way you think. You have to stop thinking about the other women. And how do you stop thinking about them? Remind yourself that you have a choice to do something else, and then do that. Something that you enjoy. If you don't have much of a choice, ask yourself how you could modify what you do so you enjoy it more. What can you change?




Since you judge yourself so negatively it must mean that deep down you really are a tzadik, right?




"I" is right. Hashem wants you to run to the Torah because you think it's great, not because you have to do it with a gun (the guilt) pointed at your head. Hashem wants you to have a strong "I" and to do your own best interest, and He wants to see that you think your best interest is the Torah. If you don't care about yourself you cannot flatter Him by choosing the Torah.

If you want to destroy your "I" that's okay. That's the slave approach. That's okay, but slaves are not perfect, they slip. It depends critically on never being triggered. Fences have to go up.




Maybe try davening to Hashem to give you the zechus to see that Torah and mitzvos are good for you. When people see the value they turn on a dime.

Something is bothering me at the back of my head, I'm not quite sure, something like the buzzing of a bee... B... B...

OH YES! the BB forum, now what was that for again?

I don't get why ppl are bothering to give speeches and trying to explain this away. But I love you all and let live alone. So, have a nice day!

TZ, try shampoo.

Howdy Doc! Don't think we've ever really met. Just wanted to "ditto" what Dov said before. I appreciate your long, descriptive, honest post. Saw a lot of myself in there. Thank you and wishing you the clarity of mind to take to heart everything that you know to be true.

Thank you all for your comments. It really means a lot to me to get your constructive feedback.

I just need to get something off my chest regarding what Chesky wrote. I'd rather be Watson that Holmes any day. Watson is kind and humble and subjugates himself to someone greater. Holmes can be a bit arrogant sometimes. There, I said it!

Nice. He's like Rav Chanina ben Dosa who was like the servant of the king and comes in whenever he wants to pick up the trash.

Dov wrote:

Dove?

I find that avoiding looking at women walking down the street is good for me.

If I look, it promotes lust.

Easier said than done, but it can become a habit to look away after the initial glimpse (which cannot really be helped, I mean, one has to see other people to some extent to avoid bumping into them!).

So true.

But if one is still aching for it and really feels like he is losing out all day long while he is busy not looking...then it will eventually pop out sideways like a balloon being limited by one's hands - while air is still going it to it. And that lust will eventually beat the living daylights out of the poor guy.

But the guy who feels at peace about not looking is gonna be OK.

So are you comfy with not looking? Or does it eat at you?

Just curious.

George999 wrote:

I quite agree. However, make sure to do a census in your head and make sure that the people who you "need to see to not bump into" aren't mostly women under 50. I did the census a while back and upon realizing that indeed I had to "avoid bumping into" many more women under 50 than any other demographic, decided that I'm just fooling myself into thinking I "need" to look the first time.

Hatzlacha,
NeedToQuit

Dr.Watson wrote:

The gadlus of Sherlock Holmes is the ability to get out of the problem and focus on the solution!

Elementary my dear Watson!

chesky wrote:


It is well known that Holmes was addicted to cocaine. He usually went for it when he wasn't working on a case that was stimulating enough. In one story, Watson says that Holmes is an addict whose habit is "not dead, but merely sleeping", even after Dr. Watson helped wean him away from the drug.

Just saying.