This afternoon a phenomenon that happens every so often occurred. While I havent been as careful about peripheral images (seen pritzus doing things that are somewhere around parve on the scale of "should I do that"), I havent looked intentionally at prn in a while (until tonight...). The other day I had a baal keri, and that ticked off general teiva, and I fought. but it kept growing. I tried davening, I tried ignoring. (incidently, I didnt try replacing with something good except once; that worked for the moment). but this afternoon, after being in a work environment with things around me that shouldnt have been, I literally got nausea from fighting the teiva. this evening I couldnt fight. I mean, obviously I could have. I tried to. I tried surrender (as much as I know how), and came close, moved away... a few times. but ultimately I couldnt say no. It just wasnt an option. BH my roommate came in before I had done any damage worse than I had already (rictor scale-not so bad, but no good at all). now I'm also not looking, even though he left. My filter helps, though obviously an addict knows ways around that. it happens to be that I have a really big hole I didnt use. it seems I want to feel like I only did so so bad. but still, I need to get out of this. when it gets so bad that I feel physically upset, what do I do? how does one deal with such an extreme teiva, that I know is for spiritual sustenance (I really believe and know that), but has no immediate outlet that I can handle. Obviously I have work to do, and Iwant to do it, I need to do it, and I am willing to do it. but lmaaisa-what do I do when my computer is yelling at me from inside my head-"watch me!" ughh. I really wanted to go from Purim to Pesach clean. BH, it stopped at my eyes, but it wasnt perfect. and obviously, no one is perfect. but I wanted to be...

Perhaps the so-called "parve" stuff is what you need to look at.

I have come to realise that there is no such thing as "low level" lust, or "small" lust triggers etc.

I have had some major yeridos with my life becoming extremely unmanageable, which all started with a "tiny" bit of lust that i thought i could handle.

You have highlighted why we need to stay far away in the first place. Once taiva hits, it is difficult to fight. The best way to fight, is to stay out of the ring.

The more we live life, connect with friends, and stay positive, the less we need the drug.

a quick update: as I have said before, once a certain point is reached, I always fall. ideally I would change that, but last night wasnt ideal. it wasnt ideal until 3 in the morning. that is not acceptable and I am working on teshuva just to regain normalcy...
thanks the support. I intend to turn my computer off Pesach as part of this. mamash off. IYH it will be good...

tryingtobeme, turning off the computer might help for a while but we need to reach out to really get helped

its important to realize as an addict that the 1st time time is not bad B/C it leads to 3-4 times rather its the 1st time itself is the problem

tryingtobeme


If you say it, it will be. Perhaps you need to be giving yourself a new message.

skeptical wrote:


I agree.

I can get to a point where my thinking becomes distorted. My brain will tell me that its inevitable that i will fall so i may as well give in.

Thank G-d my more recent experiences tell me otherwise.

it's not something I say prior, it is a statistical reality. obviously the ideal is dont get into that situation in the first place. next ideal being if chas vaShalom there, dont go further. right now I'm trying to deal with the shell that is covering my heart and soul from the other night's escapades. trying to do better and open up. I really dont understand how to reach out or surrender. when I just let go, the YH swoops in and says it would actually be better to cave than to fight so hard. I dont think that is accurate, but I dont understand the alternative. maybe a bit theoretically but not emotionally/practically.

It's something you're telling yourself subconsciously. Before you even begin, your mind is telling you that there's no way you can possibly make it - just look at all the other times you've tried and failed, it's a statistical reality. Tell yourself enough times (verbally and mentally) that you can and will succeed and it will change the way you think subconsciously.

When they say you should surrender and to say that you're powerless, what they really mean is to realize that you can't do it without Hashem's help and therefore to ask Him to help you.

but what if He doesnt help?

As I am not a 12-Step person, I thought that someone who was working them would be better apt to answer your question, but I don't think you should wait so long for a response, so I will attempt to do so.

It's called the 12-Steps, not the One or even Two Steps.
Just proclaiming your powerlessness to do it alone and handing it over to Hashem to deal with is not going to get you anywhere. You have to work on yourself and your relationships (bein adam l'Makom and bein adam l'chaveiro) at the same time. That's the only way it has a chance of working.

As you will see from the following, this is no simple feat. It takes a lot of work, but if you are sincere and work on yourself, "Karov Hashem l'chal kor'av - l'chal asher yikrauhu v'emes - Hashem is close to all who call out to Him with sincerity."

Step 1: Cheshbon Hanefesh- Realizing we have a problem that we have allowed to take over our lives. If continued to be left unmanaged, it has the ability to ruin us.
Step 2: Bein Adam L'Makom- Reminding ourselves that Hashem exists. He gave us our first heartbeat and first breath and continues to do many kindnesses for us, many of which we aren't even aware of. Because of our selfishness, we have largely ignored Hashem, doing what felt good for us, while ignoring what He wants from us.
Step 3: Bein Adam L'Makom- Renew our relationship with Hashem. Deciding to do Hashem's will and trusting in Him that He will take care of us.
Step 4: Cheshbon Hanefesh- Taking an honest accounting of our actions, the positive and the negative.
Step 5: Cheshbon Hanefesh/Bein Adam L'Makom/Bein Adam L'Chaveiro- Admitting to ourselves, to Hashem and to another human, the exact nature of our shortcomings.
Step 6: Cheshbon Hanefesh/Bein Adam L'Makom- We desire for Hashem to help us remove our negative middos.
Step 7: Bein Adam L'Makom- We sincerely ask Hashem to take away our challenges and to help us remove our negative middos, as we are unable to do it alone.
Step 8: Bein Adam L'Chaveiro- Make a list of all people we have harmed in the past and work on internalizing the concept of asking mechila/forgiveness.
Step 9: Bein Adam L'Chaveiro- Directly ask the people we have harmed for mechila.
Step 10: Cheshbon Hanefesh- Continue to take personal inventory and immediately admit when we do something wrong.
Step 11: Bein Adam L'Makom- Through davening and self-reflection, seek to improve our connection with Hashem, asking for understanding of how to fulfill His will and for the strength to carry it out.
Step 12: Bein Adam L'Chaveiro- Share the love! Having improved our own lives, seek to help others in their struggles by helping them work the 12-Steps.

1st off, I want to thank you for an excellent list of steps that I would like to work through. I connect with such a model much more than the AA, which has a stigma of, well, being AA.
Second, I wanted to clarify: it is not that I doubt Hashem can/will help. it's that my YH tells me that part of surrendering is accepting defeat and caving, that THAT is the humble thing to do. and then I get really confused, because who am I to say that's wrong, that's arrogant; but how could Hashem want that. I want His help to garuntee the proper outcome. that scares me more.

I don't think it's "caving in" to say that everything you've tried until now hasn't worked and now you want to work on your relationship with Hashem and to ask Him to help you.

Ignore the yetzer harah, be happy and strong and turn to Hashem to help you through it.

Hatzlacha!

this may be of help, i found it extremely insightful, now realizing what i used to be doing, and have the urge to do.
Hatzlacha Rabbah