So I spent nearly 6 hours wallowing on the computer last night, neglecting my sleep, my health, my learning, my energy to interact with my family today, my olam habah, the tefillin, mezuzah and tzitzes that were nearby reminding me to come to my senses and stop....I neglected all of the good things Hashem has been doing for me of late and in the past...and for a couple of measly seconds of pleasure at the end that ended the longest streak I have had in years.

And now I feel depressed and I'm waiting for bad things in my life to start happening, like lost parnasah opportunities, chinuch problems, etc. that I'm going to invariably read into as an onesh from Hashem, and I know that's not productive or what He wants for me, but I can't seem to shake this scared and depressed feeling. I don't know if I'm an addict, a regular struggler, or maybe someone who has abused his bechira to the point where I've mase myself into an addict, but I hate this feeling, and could use a little pick me up from some fellow Yisden who are reading.

Thanks guys, you're all great.

I feel for you, I did the same thing just a week ago. It took me a day or two to get over it. But know that the yetzer's greatest weapon is depression. It's been brought down here many times, I don't remember from who, that the depression after the aveira is worse than the aveira itself. So our job now is to pick ourselves up and continue to give it our best. Every day of cleanliness stands on its own as a great achievement. As a wise man once said, "Fell Shmell, Keep On Trucking!!!"

Don't get too down. Don't focus on the fall itself, focus on the reason for the fall and learn from it. You had your longest streak in years. Excellent. Now learn from your mistakes and pick yourself up, and make the next one your longest streak in years.

Don't fret about a bolt of lightning coming for you. Hashem is ereach apayim and malei rachamim. Do Teshuva, learn from your mistake, and try to not repeat.

Now get back in there an keep trucking.

Just want to add one thing, especially if you don't think you are an addict like myself, recognise the trigger, what it was that made you fall. Then next time you'll know. Also remember one day at a time.

Thank you. Your replies were just what I needed. I think that my preoccupation with an onesh is probably another form of self-centeredness that is at the root of all of this. But somehow it seems almost like kefirah to me to not worry about the repercussions of my acts-how can I just be relaxed when I understand the severity of it? It feels like I'm letting myself off too easy to not worry, even though it usually has the counter-effect in the long run.

Thanks again for helping set my mind at ease. It's a strange yet comforting feeling that even someone who indulges and does the wrong thing is still entitled to menuchas hanefesh like every other human being.

Continued hatzlacha fighters!

I just wanted to bring down a letter that the Rav of Tiberias, R' Ahron Yosef Luria (lived 5655-5729), wrote to a young man who it seems had somewhat of the same issues we do,(liberal translation)
".... and when your enemy (YH) makes you fall do not make him happy by becoming depressed, for that is his hope and his sustenance...and be very careful not to be dragged from one aveirah to the other,....and strengthen yourself extremely against depression and giving up...DO NOT THINK ABOUT THE AVEIRAH AT THAT TIME rather for the time being forget about it, and after a few days when you will have calmed down and your Neshama revives itself (after being dead from the aveirah) from mitzvos and maasim tovim that you have done B'simcha, only then should you remember and you will see true regret, and will be able to shed a tear....
and the reason that depression is so bad is because it is from subconciously giving up, which the YH does in order that if there is any good still left the depression will ruin it....and even if it difficult to understand this, and you may ask "how can i not be down after doing such a terrible thing" you should tell yourself "i beleive that now i need to be happy for that is the true will of Hashem, and i will make boundries so as not to do it again from now on" and you will see taht after a few days you will be able to so teshuvah truely without depression..."
May i ask why do you not have a filter on the computer, as that would for sure be the first boundary not to fall again.

Thank you so much for these much needed chizuk replies. I had two sales opportunities yesterday and when the first one fell through, I was sure it was Hashem's way of telling me that I messed up and this was a result of my actions over the weekend.

And then I read the letter from the Rav of Tiverya that was posted and I kept repeating to myself that it's Hashem's ratzon that I remain happy right now, even if it doesn't seem to make sense to me.

And I was also thinking about how he writes that the bad feelings and despair are really just ploys of the YHR (which I've heard before and is hard to internalize for 'frum Yidden').

But the part that really got me thinking was that the feelings subconsciously come from a place of giving up, because the job of fighting your yetzer is lifelong, and so difficult, we all have this subconscious desire to just be porek ol and GIVE UP. That's the ultimate victory for the YHR- for you to GIVE UP.

So we have this barometer to gauge your true feelings of charata-if what you're thinking makes you want to give up, then it's skewed thinking and coming from the YHR.

(It reminds me of the Mesillas Yesharim that talks about valid fear and invalid fear-the test is-is the danger you're afraid of common or not? If not, then your fear really stems from laziness, your subconscious desire to not work.)

All of this made me feel a lot better, and in the afternoon I made a sale!

It's interesting - serving Hashem when you're not afraid He'll hurt you for doing wrong is SO different than serving Him when you know He'll still help you, no matter what. The first type breeds a lot of resentment and pressure, the second type is liberating and gives you the room to mature and develop from a place of pride. It made me rethink my whole relationship with Hashem, and my own children as well.

Thanks so much for the breaths of fresh air you have all infused me with. Tizku L'Mitzvos!

BTW, in terms of the question of a filter. You're probably right. My main reason for not installing one is because it seems so easy to workaround if I want, what's the point? Then there's always my wife's computer, phones, DVD's, magazines, etc. Ain l'davar sof.

I know it's probably better than nothing, and maybe this is bad thinking, but maybe it's better not to face it head-on like that? Sometimes fighting against things seems to intensify the battle. If I work on myself in the other areas, would it not be better resolved that way?

Not sure I'm totally committed to what I'm writing, but just throwing it out there.

hey man,
those are beautiful thoughts,
but I think in regard to the filter issue, I think you are always better off by eliminating shmutz, you are also reinforcing the thought in your mind that "I want to be clean, i will do what it takes to get there" ayyyyyyyyy... the magazines wifes computers etc.. well how about asking your wife as part of a family effort to raise the level of kedusha in the home to add a filter to her computer as well? and magazines are not the same, you gotta go out and buy them and I think tahts not quite as comfortable as sitting in my locked office with nobody to spy on me (hey what about the ayion roeh?) and filter your phone too!

more strength to you
and rock em' on the sales today!

First of all i'm happy that the letter spoke to you, the sefer is called עבודת פנים, and he has more really great letters, maybe i'll put some up some time.
but regarding the filter
Azuvada wrote:

sorry but i don't quite understand, leaving your computer without a filter is considered not fighting head on? you're basically asking for trouble to fight with you!! Also I heard in that in SA you are supposed to be clean for some time before starting out, so i think that means that a filter comes first.

Azuvada wrote:

why not try KBA, it's still free, and you can put it on your wifes computer without her even realizing.

I'm concerned about the possibility that you may be addicted to computers. You can satisfy this addiction by learning Torah and doing chesed online from time to time. Just make sure to set a timer every time you get on the computer and stick with it.

Please note that I'm not an addictions expert, so please verify what I said with someone like Rabbi Dr. Twerski.

Thank you. I personally find the more I clamp down upon myself, the more constrained I feel and desire to 'break free' from the restrictions. For e.g. I made several nedarim and shvuos to refrain from very specific activity and in the long run, they helped me more than not, but I always tried to find ways to act w/o being over, like if the shvuah was to not be m'z'l, I'd try to do everything short of that.

If I had a filter, it would probably be not too long before I tried to find ways to view things on appropriate sights that would nonetheless stimulate.

I feel I need to be more mature with my methods than just clamping down and trust that I can refrain with the proper hashkafa, attitudes, tactics (partner accountability, is my latest endeavor- don't want to mess around with any more nedarim/shevuos).

I'm sure to many ears I sound like I'm deluding myself here, but experience has shown me that self-imposed restrictions have a short-term good effect, but long-term have a boomerang effect.

Good points. But I think the limitation of 'self-controlling tactics' is much simpler: If you could control yourself that much, you would not be masturbating to porn, in the first place.

There is help, chaver. And it is not in the form of clamping down, thank-G-d - as you said so well, it usually only makes things worse. I am just adding that the reason it ends up that way is becs it is based on the fantasy of control. Most people are in control - but some are addicts and need help to learn honesty and that they will not die if they change. Please do not think you need to go this way alone...

Hatzlocha!

Dov wrote:

Dov, I respectfully disagree. I can't speak for Azuvada or anyone else but myself, but I found that once I realized that I actually wanted to quit and put in an effort I was able to stop m&p. It was just that up until that point I had not really decided to stop so it was easier to just continue. However, once I decided to quit, the filter was not as important as reminding myself of my decision. Like you often say it is about changing yourself not hiding in a hole. That is I think why the TaPHSIC method works because you remind yourself that this is not what you want to do.

So, Azuvada, although I wouldn't recommend not having a filter, I would certainly recommend you trying the TaPHSIC method. (Just think of the filter as the first part of the TaPHSIC method. It gives you the few minutes, that it takes you to circumvent it, to think and decide if you really want to circumvent it.)

I'm going to give myself reshus to skip most of the replies and speak to myself in the context of the original post. that is a bit gaivadig or me, but it's gaive dkedusha so I'm ok with. or at least i want it to be...

there is a posuk in the tochecha discussing that we will flee our enemies but it will only be a leaf. i forget exactly where it is, and I feel pretty dirty. aside from the spiritual fog the next however long many of us encounter, I think the onesh is that there is no onesh. We have to deal with the fact that Hashem loves us and gives us a lot, even though we act out. and that feels worse than any physical tzorus. "You mean to tell me that You love me unconditionally, provide my needs, even though I brazenly go against the conditions of which You established for me?" that's harsh... I cant explain why, but it is. and I think we all know that. feel free to disagree, but please explain why. really. but I think you should try to use the lack of onesh to your advantage-thank Hashem for what He has given you and use it to motivate you to do good. you cant remove darkness, only add Light.