Bsd
Hi, I'm going to split this post into 3 parts:
First, I can say I finally realised I am/what is an addict. This past saturday night, I had been sober for 2 weeks, was feeling amazing (ok, long stretches of time alone on a shabbos afternoon in bed don't help), I had at the very least 3 billion reasons to say no (about 6 of which I could think of at the time), and in the end I gave in.
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/sad.png)
I was not even "turned on"/aroused at the time, but that is what I have just realised an addiction is: I felt a compulsion to act out.
(Since then I had another fall this eve.)
Second, on analysing times which I have had a sober "stretch of time" (however short it is) I have always been faced with a problem after about a week and a half: the slightest "breeze" will cause me to have a fall. It is impossible for me to get thru that. I start dreaming about things which I have seen, which has once or twice led to.. uh, "wet dreams". Meaning that however hard I have tried, in my sleep the yetzer hora got to me, and caused me to climax. This only really happens after a while of being sober.
(However, I have noted that since these two sober weeks I was a lot more careful about guarding my eyes everywhere -not as I had done previously, where my main goal was just to avoid mas*****tion- I didn't really go thru that day or two of being a feather touch away from a serious accident. Maybe that's the key- guarding my eyes.)
Third, quiet a sensitive issue (if u can't stomache this then look away), I had a terrible thing- a fetish for bondage, and it practically started running my life. The difference between bondage and any other form of lust (loi oleinu), is that in bondage, part of the desire is to be doing things against ur own will. Which really does cause big issues when u try to explain to urself that the yetzer hora is pulling u down, and that itself I arousing! so to any other people out there with this problem: are we the same/should we deal with ourselves the same way as any other lust addicts?
Any help/advice/tips on any of the above 3 points would be amazing help in assiting me fight my addiction.
Thanks everyone!