Bsd

Hi, I'm going to split this post into 3 parts:

First, I can say I finally realised I am/what is an addict. This past saturday night, I had been sober for 2 weeks, was feeling amazing (ok, long stretches of time alone on a shabbos afternoon in bed don't help), I had at the very least 3 billion reasons to say no (about 6 of which I could think of at the time), and in the end I gave in. I was not even "turned on"/aroused at the time, but that is what I have just realised an addiction is: I felt a compulsion to act out.
(Since then I had another fall this eve.)

Second, on analysing times which I have had a sober "stretch of time" (however short it is) I have always been faced with a problem after about a week and a half: the slightest "breeze" will cause me to have a fall. It is impossible for me to get thru that. I start dreaming about things which I have seen, which has once or twice led to.. uh, "wet dreams". Meaning that however hard I have tried, in my sleep the yetzer hora got to me, and caused me to climax. This only really happens after a while of being sober.
(However, I have noted that since these two sober weeks I was a lot more careful about guarding my eyes everywhere -not as I had done previously, where my main goal was just to avoid mas*****tion- I didn't really go thru that day or two of being a feather touch away from a serious accident. Maybe that's the key- guarding my eyes.)

Third, quiet a sensitive issue (if u can't stomache this then look away), I had a terrible thing- a fetish for bondage, and it practically started running my life. The difference between bondage and any other form of lust (loi oleinu), is that in bondage, part of the desire is to be doing things against ur own will. Which really does cause big issues when u try to explain to urself that the yetzer hora is pulling u down, and that itself I arousing! so to any other people out there with this problem: are we the same/should we deal with ourselves the same way as any other lust addicts?

Any help/advice/tips on any of the above 3 points would be amazing help in assiting me fight my addiction.
Thanks everyone!

First part: i've had falls even when i wasnt aroused and i still dont consider myself an addict because i think that for me it was more of a habit than compulsion.So maybe you should put more thought into whether your'e an addict or not.
Second:I think that shmiras einaim is the key to not having wet dreams. but even if you have a wet dream i don't think its something to worry about (i think one of my rebbeim said it) so just keep going.
Third: i don't think i have your problem but maybe thinking that the reason not to act out is not because it's against your will, rather because its ultimately not in your best interests which is more like someone attacking you than being forced to do something.
Hope this can help at least a little bit.
keep fighting and you'll win

I have been wondering for a while what exactly is considered an "addict", so here is the definition of addict from the Miriam-Webster Dictionary "to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively "
i guess that would mean that even "habit" can be considered addictive behavior.
As for the part 2, I agree with IAS, and remember my rebbe also telling me not to worry about it, i am positive that it is just a ploy of the YH for us to get down on ourselves and tell ourselves that no matter how hard we try to be clean we won't get out of it. For some reason we tend to think that if wee're beating up on ourselves it must be for the good, but it is obviously not true since it only leads to more destruction!
Hatzlacha Rabbah and continue fighting (with all the rest of us!!)

I somewhat get the whole bondage thing.

For everything on the negative side, there is something that mirrors it in kedusha.

Instead of giving yourself over to the yetzer harah to do as it pleases with you, how about giving yourself over to Hashem to do His will?

Hashem is the true Master. Our very life's purpose is to do His will. Doing His will simply because He said so brings us closer and closer to Him and opens us up to the biggest blessings and TRUE happiness.

Giving yourself over to anything else is completely destructive and will make you more and more unhappy as time goes on.

Hatzlacha!

Welcome startingrecovery!

The first step to recovery is to realize that you have an addiction and have lost control. Your description sounds quite typical. You touched on an important point - that usually it's some sort of problem that don't want to deal with that sends us into the fantasy world. I agree that you should not worry about the wet dreams. If you work on the problems you have while awake, the ones you have while sleeping will disappear as well. As far as the "bondage" fetish, I don't think it matters what the specific form of the lust is. Everyone has their own desires and fetishes and it doesn't matter one bit. Recovery is about finding a different way to live, not about "fighting" a particular fetish. In recovery, we never fight lust head on. We've tried that in the past and always lost. It's about living in a way that we don't need to lust in the first place.

I suggest you read the handbook (if you haven't already). There is a lot of great material there. Stick around on the forum. There are some great people here with great advice. (it's an open forum, so there is some bad advice as well.)

Mazal Tov on starting the road to recovery!

Hi, thanks so much for ur advice!! I can't begin to tell you how much just this idea of being able to speak to other people (albeit on an anonymous forum) is helping me!

@skeptical: I have thought of that before, but became quite repulsed at the notion of dragging kedusha into my addiction- I wasn't sure if it was appropriate. But its a great concept! I'm sure I'll put it to use.

@gibbor120: the only difference I experienced between bondage and other lust (I'm sure there are way worse things out there everyone would rather not know about), is that I have watched p*rn with hypnosis in it, which I am worried is something terribly dangerous.. That I have seriously messed with my mind.
If I'm quite pressured for time, but more pressured for results, which would u recommend I print and read first: the GYE handbook (which I have already started, or the 12 big book?
Thanks for all the support chevrah! Really appreciated!

startingrecovery wrote:

Well the hand book is a lot smaller than the BIG book . Results will be gradual over time. "progressive victory over lust". Change does not happen overnight.

startingrecovery wrote:


What needs kedushah enfused in it more than this kind of addiction?

Don't let the yetzer harah give you such advice! You can NEVER go wrong doing the will of Hashem!

Kedushah in - Garbage out!