Benzi wrote on 03 Jul 2012 11:36:

GYE she thought was Shmiras Einayim. But the other stuff when I failed- Yes, I knew she would get it and I did it anyway. I'm still mindboggled by it. I also went through my list of "do not act out" reasons, and I still did it.
As a result, I am petrified of triggers, because this is another level in lack of control that I wasn't aware of until now. Just another revelation in the realm of chesbon hanefesh...

Hatzlacha, all!

A quick post at 12:30AM for the chevra (but mostly for myself).
Life is veeery busy, between the chabura and the job (deliberately vague, here...).
I'm having difficulty starting maybe 48 hours ago with second looks. Sometimes I forget to take off my glasses, and when I remember I'm not so interested (I mean, life looks sharper, clearer and better in 3D- and it costs more too, in this inyan and on blu-ray...). Then there are many times due to my job when I can't take them off...
And today specifically I mini-slipped at least a few times. In my book, this is when I search out the sights. (But even if I find them, I look away. Good for me. /sarcasm)
So I need to get a bit tougher on myself. Maybe crank up the taphsic kabala. One of these days I should share the current iteration.
That's all for now, folks! Hatzlacha to all. Day 12 has just started according to the charts. Hashem, please help me with this just for today (before and after I sleep?).

Meir

Its a good thing you're aware of your slips, but don't be so hard on yourself.
Easy does it.
M.

Instead of "getting tougher on yourself" or "upping your Taphsic shevuah"...how about being more honest with G-d, yourself, and others?

"What? How can I be more honest than I am already?!" I am not suggesting you are lying about anything. But that's what not honesty is about.

A: look for ways. You will find them. Fight less, open up more. There is no need to fight, at all, really, if we are open and real enough with other real people.

You are definitely on the right track so far.

Thanks, Dov.
Mottel, if I'M not hard on myself, who will be? There is a difference between self-honesty and depression, though. A Rebbe of mine once told me that he knows someone who went to a course to determine "why he does things", etc. and came out a depressed wreck. I'm not like that- I know Hashem gave me failings, and that He doesn't expect me to change overnight. But I do have to discover my shortcomings in order to eventually fix them. The more I admit to (even just to myself), the more I am living in reality instead of in fantasy, which is poison to me. I would find such a course refreshing, I bet. Often I apply Mitoch Shelo Lishma Boh Lishma to certain motivations of mine, and leave it at that. I won't stop helping people out just because I know that I do it to feel good... Just an example.
Have a good shabbos!
Meir

Hi everyone. I had another wet incident Friday night. I can't help thinking that I can somehow prevent this, but intellectually I know this is not the case.
I am going through a tough time right now regarding the really important things- my learning isn't going as well as I'd like, because I keep missing the seder for Taaruvos for reasons that are good ones. I remind myself that Hashem wants a different kind of avoda than Hilchos Taaruvos right now...
I had a bad slip last night (not a fall, B"H!). I got around certain aspects of webchaver and K9. To be masaken it, I brought my mother over and demonstrated how I did it. Together we played with K9 to see if we could block it, to no avail.
Ein Hadavar Talui Ela Bi. And what I need to do is let Hashem help me.

Have an easy/meaningful fast.
Meir

Edit: Oh, and I just hit the two week mark for the first time since joining GYE. But it really isn't two weeks- it's 14 individual days that Hashem gave me as a present, mostly when I asked Him for them.

Congrats on 14 days, and on your honesty. Keep at it, you can easily add another clean day to the count, can't you?
M.

Keep asking Him for it - thanks for reminding me that it really boils down to whether I want Him to take care of me today, or whether I insist on taking responsibility for outcomes.

Hello everyone, here's an update.
I have been really fighting the past couple of days- I went to grey area places, tow or maybe three times... Did some things that would've led me to erotica, but BChasdei Elyon I was unable to. (I was, but I couldn't do THAT.)
So I was thinking about why it could be... Aside for the obvious, such as I'm farther than I've ever been count wise (more then double), and of course I feel I deserve a break.
I've been in THAT mentality for too long, on a global scale, for it to work intellectually at this point, but hey, intellect was never the problem...
But it's more likely because I have been missing sedarim, day after day, for reasons that are partially very good and partially not my fault altogether (read: Chavrusa).
That's depressing. This is even though I'm busy with good things.
So, in summary, I have to talk to Hashem and people more often.
I hope the RID will go down, having said this. I can't deal with it right now, because I'm way too busy.

Hatzlacha!
Meir

E-Tek wrote on 11 Jul 2012 13:29:

Sweet.

The gemara says in Brachos that when Rabban Yochanan ben zakai was dying, he blessed his talmidim (who were either all Tannaim, or Tannaim in training) that "your fear of Heaven should be as much as your fear of people watching you." They responded, "That's all?" He answered, "Halevai! Know (admit to yourselves) that when people (ie, you) do something wrong, they (ie, you) say inside, "Nu, as long as nobody sees..."

As a recovering sex pervert, this teaches me the following important lesson: Hashem is just not as real to me as I'd like to think he is. These were tannaim he was speaking to. Gevalt!

Speaking and opening up to other PEOPLE makes it real to us, and nothing else will. Talking to Hashem alone, keeps it the fakery it has always been. Religious, frum, halachically and hashkafically correct....but for one 'minor' detail: it's not really real!! Ikkar choser min hasefer! R' Tzvi-Meyer (Divrei Chizzuk) and R' Itamar Schwartz (Bilvavi) are all about the fact that we need a lot of work just to reallt believe in G-d at all! That's why our faith has not - and does not - work. My experience is that instead of battering our failure with yet more emunah self-help literature, we just need to take actions that make it real. Thats all the 12 Steps and Program are for. They are not about G-d at all - they are about us and the quality of our relationship with Him (and the lack thereof).

The frustrating fact is that the relationship many of us recovering professional masturbaters have with Hashem is far, far less real than we pretend it is. It must be so, for if it were that real, then why do we react so powerfully and shockingly to stop, hide, and cover up when a person walks in on us...but isn't G-d watching?

Isn't He?

Sure He is...but the problem is that we really do not care, cuz He just isn't really real to us...sorry.

But He knows this, and can 'handle' it! We need some work and He is apparently very, very patient. He must really love us to pieces. Even us masturbaters. Loves us. V'Hu rachum...

If we give up the right to act out, then eventually our recovery from porn, sex-with-self, and fantasy eventually leads us to a real, even intimate, relationship with Him. But the price is surrender - not winning by beating it. Beaters are awesome, even if they parrot Chaza"ls words that "Hashem helps me!" They do not really believe it, and they will eventually acty out again, for they really see themselves as the winners, and do not really need G-d.

Thanks Dov. As always, you are far better at articulating what I meant (especially other times, when I didn't mean it...)
So. Day whateverI'mupto...
I'm feeling a staleness in my motivation to keep in contact with Hashem these days. So I have to write a new daily tefila. Litoeles HoRabim, here is my previous version (I feel that the current one is too private, and I felt that way about this one too.)
Note that this is my tefila. It will not work for you, and I highly advise writing your own. Also, it should be in the form of shevach-bakasha-hodaya. And it should not be used in emergencies, at that point the apropriate text is "HELP!!!".

To my Father in heaven:
You are the Creator of the universe. You gave me my life, with loving parents and siblings. You gave me a Rebbe to guide me in this world. You gave me many chances to succeed, offering a way even when I shunned Your path, providing reason amidst my insanity. You lovingly showed me who I could be, and You proved it even when I remained skeptical. You allowed me to come so far, transforming me into who I really wanted to be. You forgave my frequent relapses, willing and not, and You continue to provide me with strength and guidance.
Dear Father, I lack the strenght to continue along this path. You know that it is my deepest desire, and yet I remain shackled and helpless. Grant me the will, so that I may be Your servant, and not be sidetracked by the mundane and the physical. I know I am nothing without you, and that You lead me only where I ask You to. Grant me the strength of character so that my will is only to do Your will. Just for today, Father. That is all I ask.
Even if all I receive from You is your smile, that would be enough. All the praise in the world is insufficient in light of what You have done for me. Thank You.

wow beautiful

Etek, wow amazing prayer. I read all ur posts. I have a lot to learn from you u are an inspiration.
Keep it going, yetzer hara is in overdrive trying to knock you down. Stand your ground. Don't move from your place just hold on very tightly to tottys hand.
Brings to mind an episode that happened to me when I was a kid, I was chased by a dog I was jumping around crying and screaming, I ran to my father he lifted me up and I calmed down, bc I was in his arms. So just know we are in hashems arms, Hashem is the one in control we are mere puppets in the puppet show. It says I think in mishlai, "Im ruach hamoshel ya'aleh alecha, mikomicha al tanach." if the spirit/wave of the "Moshel" (I think it refers to) yetzer hara passes over you, do not leave your place. I think we can say don't leave the place of accomplishment. Rather stay where you are and just reach out to Hashem, he will take care of you.

Good luck

Shkoyach, Reb Newbi. Well appreciated.
Just saying, though, a person can be anyone they want on the net...

Very brave of you to post this and admit what you've done.

KUTGW,

Elyah