Editing this post with info from my original thread by way of introduction.

Hello all.
I've been lurking for some time now, I figured I'll give a shout out. The name of my game is shpiegel- I'll just tell you all what I've been telling myself, to better affect myself. Introductions later, I really have to run to seder soon.

R' Leib Kelemen says over (B'Sheim Omro, don't forget!) that R' Chaim Vital writes: He was have a conversation with his Rebbe, the Arizal, and he asked him why the Arizal keeps saying that he (R' Chaim Vital) has a special neshoma. "We, who do not reach the toenails of the previous generation, can't possibly be considered special compared to those that have come before us."
The Arizal answered, because in every generation it is far more difficult to do the right thing, because of the forces arrayed against us, we cannot judge ourselves by our accomplishments. Rather, if we are anywhere near the previous generations in our activities, it means far more than it appears to mean, because the fight is tougher. On that scale, concluded the Arizal, you have a special neshoma.

Concludes R' Leib- in our generation the fight has become nigh on impossible. But if we realize how much we accomplish by simply considering ourselves part of the fight, and a kal v'chomer if we are succeeding to any extent at all- well then, Moshiach should be here any day!!

We are the generation to bring Moshiach, there's no doubt about it. And the proof is what we are up against.

Okay, and now to introduce myself.
I'm twenty(mumble) years old, and I've had this addiction since I was 14. When I was 16 or so, I learned it was bad (although if I had been honest, I knew from the start it wasn't quite right). I made several conscious efforts throughout my teens to stop, without very much success. Emotionally, I went from determined to depressed to ambivalent. About two years ago I started making more efforts on a very basic level- More of the "what" in Yiddishkeit than the "why". This path seemed to work for me- I took my intellectual knowledge I had gained and used it to make a long-term decision to physically remove myself from, well, everything. And all of a sudden, I found I was able to think straight. (I know, this phenomenon is common here.) I made an absolute ton of small steps to keep myself headed in the right direction, and the sum-total of all those has made me a different person. The most fundamental of those changes is a day-to-day, personal, emotional relationship with the Rebono Shel Olam.

I found out about the website a little less than three years ago, and kept it in my inbox until I was ready to work on myself. (It takes a certain emotional maturity to make a commitment, no? I was still a kid.) Started working with some success before I got a chance to start lurking here, but this site seems to be turbocharging my efforts.
I have not finished the handbook- I'm reading it slowly and deliberately. During the zman I spend less time working on this and more time keeping too busy with good things. Use the Yetzer Hora's ANTI-THINK device against him, and all that.

Hatzlocha to all! Thanks for listening.

So, I fell big time today...
I'm posting to get some hugs, basically.
I'm lucky in that I'm sending my computer in for repairs, so I'll have some breathing room. I'm also going to focus on the handbook material, and think about a nusach for Taphsic. There is my parent's K-9 and password computer, so I'll be on, but not more often than daily.

Sigh... Sheva Yipol Tzadik Vokom, eh? The difference between a Tzadik and a Rosha is how many times they get up after falling... So here's for a new count. The old one netted me 4 days. That's about average for a serious try, but not for one I make in the States. So there is that.

Thanks for listening.
Meir

I know the feeling, it's really hard. We all love you, if you keep on trying you'll for sure get there eventually. It takes time, I've been around here 4 months and I still have falls.
Iv'e found the best technique in getting up fast is to completly ignore the fall and not worry about the future, just try your hardest to stay clean today. And tommorow the same, and the next... before you know it it'll be a week clean.

If you want more motivational posters, here are some (Draw your own pictures):
Winning means staying in the game.
Keep on Trucking!
It always gets hard before it gets better.
If the road's weighing you down press harder on gas.
All that's nice and I hope it cheers you up.
Your four days are what's real nice and they'll be with you always. But to make it stick you gotta jump into the game, and hit the ground running.
Filters are great, and reading the handbook and daily emails are nice, too. 90-day chart is a great help.
But we have to be ready for a major life-changing experience if we want this demon's gone from our lives.
Manhugs and mankisses. Get up and start running.
Mottel

Thanks alot guys. I'm already smiling! :D
Hmm, posters... Let's load up Publisher and see what comes up...

Just one day!! all you need. Also, tommorow doesnt matter AT ALL. Ive started realizing that. Im workin on not being so obsesses with streaks and just workin on the moment.

E-Tek wrote on 17 May 2012 23:00:


A great Tzaddik (from the Slonimers) once said (to his YH), "Mir a patch, dir a patch. Abee de letzte patch is meiner." In other words, yes, that's life, we win one, we lose one. But the objective is to try being the winner at the end of the game.

Hatzlacha,

MT

{ Congratulations! You are the 613,018,026th person to make this statement!}
The three second rule RULES!

Today is the day I am clean, which makes 5 total GYE clean days.
5s, tomorrow doesn't matter indeed. But the 4 clean days in the past certainly do!
MT- Thanks for the nice thought. And, like a Rebbe of mine is fond of saying, you lose the sting of a Yiddish saying when you translate. I'm sooo grateful that Hashem let some Yiddish sink in over the last couple of years.

you can dooo itt!!!

I'm going to ramble a bit.. Pardon me.
I've come to the realization that I never really made the commitment, until now, to get rid of my addiction. I did the steps, but... I didn't set up the groundwork for anything permanent because, well, I must have been convinced I could take the last step in the same way I started learning full sedarim 1.5 years ago, the same way I dropped movies 8 months ago, the same way I started putting on Tephillin every day without fail 4 months ago, and library books two months ago... This was just the next step.
But it isn't as simple as the rest, apparently. There may have been relapses in all of the above on rare occasions (except Tephillin, B"H), but this is the only problem that forgives no relapses. It is also, to almost quote the guidebook, the source of all other restraints, which leads us to my entry today.
Reb Dov mentioned somewhere, people like myself have a general problem with gevulot, boundaries, or in this case restraint. It is a general issue, many times (not every time), that affects the rest of the structure of my day. I can relate to this aspect of my problem more than anything else, due to my intense focus throughout my childhood on various self-use time wasting devices- video games, books, movies, etc, that I've only just gotten over. (It didn't help that most or all of these devices had the side effect of having kedusha issues!) The pains I went through during this time can very well be described as withdrawal symptoms.
So, to business. I find my find my falls happen most often when I have already ignored a different gevul at the same time- and the gevulos in my day (and my sense of achrayus to keep to them) were the only way I got over my other issues. So my takanos for the first fence focus on keeping to my gevulot- seder and sleep. I hope, BS"D, that my m*** addiction will fade away.

I take upon myself, until after Shavuos, the following limitations and takanos:
-No computer use in the morning before 1st seder
-unless there is a shiur posted I need to download for the seder
-Bein Hasedorim computer use ends at 3:15PM
-Computer use at night ends at 10PM

-I take upon myself, before giving in to temptation (to be defined below) to do one of the following:
*Visit the GYE forum for 30 consecutive minutes
*Listen to a shiur for at least 30 minutes
*Hop on a bike and do one circuit of Prospect Park

*Temptation constitutes going to a questionable site
or watching a movie not in the presence of family or friends
or opening a picture with the intent to gain pleasure from it
or m***

If I transgress one of the above clauses, I undertake to do one of the following within 72 hours of Chol:
-Listen to a hashkafa-based shiur for at least on hour
-Do the Prospect Park circuit twice
-Speak to my Rebbe/Mashgiach for advice, including telling him what happened and why (explicitness not required.)

Also, I undertake to shower after m*** before davening or learning.

Thoughts- I generally do not consider GYE a good enough deterrent, based on my own past experience. However, combined with the computer clauses, this doesn't give me enough time to allow me to transgress without invoking a different clause.
Please review, and tell me if I missed anything!

Meir

Oh, and I'm finally packing up my laptop to get repaired, so I will be here less frequently for a bit! And please review my setup if you have any thoughts.
Hatzlacha, all, and a Gutten Chodesh and lichtege Mattan Torah!

Meir

Hatzlocho rabbo, Meir!
I noticed you have nothing on "getting out of your own head" and connecting to other real people.
Are you limiting this to GYE, or do you have someone in real life you can confide in?
Also, do you allow in your schedule for social interactions with other people, not fellow strugglers, but just regular people?
We need to get out of isolation if we want to be helped. And we need to throw ourselves to the service of others for the same reason.
Maybe bring a cup of coffee to your chavrusa in the morning...
Again, wishing you a peaceful journey to serenity.
Mottel

You've got a complicated set of rules there.
I would just suggest that you review them (inside) once a day at least.
A potential challenge that comes up with these types of programs, is that once the vow expires, you're wide open. So think about how you're going to address that. Personally, I also made use of vows for short periods of time initially. Once I saw that I could keep them, I extended them for up to a year (e.g. "from now until after Succos")

Once I got into recovery, I found I didn't need the vows anymore. Recovery means admitting that I am powerless over lust, complete abstinence from lust, surrendering my lust to Hashem, and working on my personality flaws.

Hatzlocha!

Alex

Reb Mottel, sholom. (In no particular order:) I have confided with someone in the past. I found him depressing, and after some time kind of clamped down on that kind of thing (I was much younger- this is at least 7 years ago, and I was immature about it). Right now, I learn with him a set number of times a week, including all-purpose hashkafa. I'm certain, in time, this relationship will blossom into an explicit talk of both of our problems... I'll probably initiate it.
The rest of my day is chavrusas. Really, I don't even have shiur. I shmooze more than I'd like with them, I guess that proves no isolation of the regular kind.
I'm too happy with how different I was not that long ago to move any faster. I know I was always a quiet guy... Very happy to sit in a corner... That is precisely what my kabalos are fixing.
More later, Bli neder.
Meir

And now, more...
Reb Eliezer, I appreciate your critique. I wrote them down on a hard copy first, and I carry that on me, to be certain. However, in my head it seems quite clear... Stick to my responsibilities I took on to other people. These are all fences, making sure I'm available with enough time to do what needs doing.
So far as when it runs out, I seriously considered working a renewal clause in, but I was afraid it would feel too constricting. But I don't plan on letting it run out at all, especially if it works.

And an update on progress, and lack therof...
Today, a chavrusa didn't show. I left the B"M early, and relaxed with something electronic with no internet. The Y"H pointed out, although my computer is away and my parents' is locked, there is a third device that has internet features of the video kind.
I slipped. Boruch Hashem, there was no fall. It wasn't bad at all, in the end, I consider it a slip because of my intentions only (one must be honest about this, after all). I did incur the penalty clause in my kabala, mild as the material was.
I am editing the post that has my kabala, above, in light of today's happening. I am still optimistic, over all.
Thanks for listening!
Meir