@Dov: I definitely hope not to fight the addiction for the rest of my life! I meant precisely what you did. Except, I think I mean it more now than before you wrote it out...
It's the regular tikkun haCharacter, supercharged because of GYE, that I started two years ago when Hashem very gently shoved me in that general direction.
Thanks.
@ MT: ;D
@ Mottel: Speak to you later.
@ Everybody...
My chaver spoke to me last night. She's my mother. I feel kind of sick. I guess this is but an inkling of what would happen if my wife found out (my mother said, "Yeah, but I can't divorce you.").
My mother was very understanding, having been to a different kind of A in her life, but she expressed concern (rightly so) about my shidduchim status. I showed her all I've been up to, shared my recent progress (and some lack of progress), and now I have yet another deterrent... I know that one can't shame the addiction out of themselves, but it sure helps!
Thanks for listening!
Meir

Machshovo wrote on 26 Jun 2012 14:11:
Now that's actually cute! Also a potentially good program joke...

As in "He's working his program in an elevator"? or "Get out of the elevator and on the Step-Master?" :D

I feel much better now. Finally got on a call today. I want to do that more often, it was very nice.
Gonna start thinking about causes and what Hashem wants my day-to-day life to be like.
Boruch Hashem, today was clean so far.

Someone hung this vort up in Yeshiva:
"One of the most difficult challenges in our generation is the proliferation of immodest sights in the streets. This phenomenon is a literal fulfillment of the verse in Eicha (4:18): They dogged our steps so we could not walk the streets.
"Once, in a shiur, Rav Zilberstein quoted the author of the Shomrei Emunim, who says that if a person is confronted by an immodest sight while walking in the street, and he controls himself and does not look at the sight, he should know that any request he makes of Hashem at that moment will be granted."

So, here's what I thought: We addicts get the request granted in advance, and we ask Hashem to help us NOT LOOK! No wonder Hashem grants the request!

E-Tek wrote on 28 Jun 2012 00:55:

gevaldig!
kol hakavod
keep on rocking

Hi, good morning everybody!
Real quick post before I head out to Yeshiva:
(I have to get this off my chest or it will make me fall, guaranteed!)
Last night I had a wet dream... It left me feeling uncomfortable. This is the 2nd I had, the first was when I was still in Eretz Yisroel.
Progress: Although i am a bochur, the first time I was imagining myself with... someone... and it left me so disturbed, I headed to the bathroom at 4AM and acted out at least twice. This was on top of about two weeks of being clean (I think).
But this time, I was acting out in the dream- and feeling the same way I would have felt awake, that is, miserable as I was triggered, miserable as I fought, and miserable as I acted out... When I woke up and realized that I hadn't acted out, the relief was palpable. I went and cleaned up, and went back to sleep.
Unfortunately, I can't get the image out of my head. Anyone with my number is welcome to call me today, excepting 9 to 10 AM and from about 5:30PM EST. Anyone who doesn't but wants to talk to me, send me a PM... I'll get it this afternoon.

Hatzlacha, all!
Meir

(Please edit this post if it triggers... I hope not... I needed to write this...)

Hi
I relate very much. In the past year I had a few dreams of this nature, and at one point I dreamt that I lost my sobriety with myself, and I woke up devastated and was releived to realize it was just a dream. The crazy thing is, the actual imagery of me touching myself chased me for a couple of days until I almost acted out in reallife, despite the feeling or devastation and releif etc.
So yasher koach on bringing this up to the surface. The disease is escaping from your body, and you see bits of it in your dreams. Stay sober and it will become easier, although your withdrawal pains are probably just beginning.
Keep posting and calling,
Mottel

E-Tek wrote on 26 Jun 2012 16:28:


Funny. My mother asked me what people think about the fact she knows about me... But I didn't get any comments!
Whatever.

Hatzlacha, all!
Meir

I caught that in your post about telling your mother. You told your mother :o

Wow! You must have an amazingly close relationship. I don't recall anyone posting about telling their mother. It tells me that you're dead serious about your recovery. You have taken a huge step out of our little hidden fantasy world into real life. You will surely see success if you continue on this path.

Yup.

Dont think I would be able to confess this things to my mom.
Amein

You guys don't get it. My mother had a webchaver report with lots of x's on it.
The only question is why I did it. Maybe it was a subconcious need. But she had it. What could I have done?
Yeah, I could've lied thirty ways from tomorrow about how it happened, but come on, this is my personal laptop. In the end I just told her everything, expecting the worse and getting the best.

Since then, I've noticed a very strong tendency towards white lies, and it disturbed me. Without this talk with my mother I never would've been able to see it. I was too blind towards myself.

By the way, life is getting intense right now and I will be online seldom (this means days instead of hours), and for short times only. This should last about two months.
I will have time to speak on the phone, so feel free to call. (I will, anyway!)
Hatzlacha, all!
Meir

Yeah, but you made her your web chaver knowing that she would be the one to bust you if you got a bad report. That shows how much you trusted her to take it the right way, and I'm glad it worked out well.

Hatzlacha with whatever it is that will be keeping you busy. Busy is good, less time to get in trouble.

Gevura!

Meir, you are right, I didnt get it, thank You for clarifying the matzav. Just to have it precise: af al pi that you knew that your mother will get the report, you still went to this sites?

Hatzlacha : )