I HAD A FALL AFTER ABOUT 2 WEEKS
I BLOCKED THE SITE AND
THE FALL HAPPENED BECAUSE I WAS ALONE IN AN OFFICE WITH INTERNET
BEFORE I WENT IN I KNEW ALREADY THAT THIS WILL TRIGGER ME
BUT I STILL WANTED TO GO IN... BECAUSE IN THE BACK OF MY MIND I GUESS I WAS OK TO HAVE THE INSTANT PLEASURE OF FALLING
I AM THINKING ABOUT MY NEXT STEP

If you arrange that you never go on the internet unless there is someone with you the entire time and always get off before they feel like leaving (no matter what)...then that is a sign of getting better.

It's not as many here may think, that it shows gevurah. But rather, it shows you have given up the right to porn yourself and masturbate that you have always asserted you had (that's why we use porn and masturbate ourselves - cuz we just can't let go of that 'right').

But if you do not arrange for that, then you are not surrendering your sweet porn and sex, and still hold onto your right to porn out and have sex with yourself.

So...hatzlocha, brother!

HAD A FALL AFTER 28 DAYS
I INSTALLED A BAD APP ON MY ANDROID
I HAVE THE SMART APP FILTER BUT I CAN STILL INSTALL STUFF FROM MY COMPUTER WHILE BEING LOGGED IN TO MY GMAIL ACCOUNT

ANY SUGGESTIONS

gyegye2 wrote:


Yes but what if you find a way around that?

HAD A FALL AFTER 53 DAYS
BECAUSE I HAD TO UNINSTALL MY K9 BECAUSE IT MADE PROBLEMS TO MY COMPUTER
PATCHED UP THIS LOOPHOLE BY ADDING NOT TO GO TO A SITE IN MY THAPHSIC METHOD

Sorry to hear about the fall......But what is going to be different next time something comes up that's not in your taphsic?

YOU ARE RIGHT
I MADE A BLACK LIST AND ADDED TO MY THAPHSIC METHOD IF I GO TO ANYWHERE FROM MY BLACKLIST
I CAN UPDATE MY BLACKLIST ANY TIME I SEE A BAD SITE

HAD A FALL AFTER A FEW DAYS AGAIN
IT HAPPENED BECAUSE I CAM E IN TO THE OFFICE WHILE IT WAS CLOSED FOR HOLIDAYS
FIR THE FUTURE I WILL NOT COME TO THE OFFICE SUCH DAYS

HAD A FALL AFTER A FEW DAYS AGAIN
IT HAPPENED BECAUSE I CAM E IN TO THE OFFICE WHILE IT WAS CLOSED FOR HOLIDAYS
FOR THE FUTURE I WILL NOT COME TO THE OFFICE SUCH DAYS

gyegye2 wrote:


gyegye2 wrote:


gyegye2 wrote:


gyegye2 wrote:


notice a pattern here?
what do ya think?
[me think that it's time to focus on your life/my life/etc., and not worry so much about the computers, filters and internet.]

b'hatzlachah

He still thinks that his problem is the filter, the internet, and the yetzer hora.

He still does not think the problem is himself, that he still wants to find porn.

Yes, it is sweet. Yes, it is truly dear to us. Of course it is! For it feels so great! But we do not need it. We may desire it - but that is not a sin and not abnormal and not an issue at all. But to choose it and use it? That we do not need to do.

But he still chooses it when it is available, simply because he wants to.

Not wanting to choose it and use it, is still the unbelievable and impossible option to him. So he has to make the filter do the choosing for him.

You can choose recovery, get the real help you need, and change as a person, slowly and one day at a time. And you can be free for today - truly free and not hurting from desire and poverty for not having that magical connection of our sweet, sweet porn.

No filter can do that for you or anybody.

HI DOV

THANK YOU FOR YOUR POST.

HOW CAN YOU

"Not want to choose it and use it"

gyegye2

No matter how great a filter is, there are ways around it as you have pointed out. The first part and sometimes the hardest part is admitting you have the problem and lack of control. That is normal. What isn't normal is trying to stop ourselves immediately. I think that relying on the filter is just jamming feelings up against a wall and when there's another option like a phone or unfiltered comp, it will be used right away.
Hard for me but works:
1) I have this problem/issue/part of life that I want/need to change
2) I have accepted that this is real and a part of me that I want to change
3) I will do my best to avoid triggers but should they come, I have a plan
4) The plan may not always work. Plan 2!
5) If I mess up, I will write down (or note) how it happened and how I can prevent myself mentally from the situation.

I've heard the story but avoiding the bakery because of the smell but if you live in a world full of non-kosher bakeries then you better figure out a way to not mess up. Personally, running from or filtering internet does not solve the key issue which is the need for internet trash.

I don't have an answer for why the brain isn't as excited to learn how ice freezes on top of the ocean but fish are fine as it is about garbage. But I do know who controls my brain - me. Don't be a zombie man.
It is hard work but who are you gonna work hard for? Obama? Cuomo? Work for yourself one day at a time.
Best of luck

you are saying interesting stuff HHR613

Typical. I relate.

You are not asking how to give it up, not asking what actions of surrender and recovery of sanity you can take. Rather, all you want - all you really want - is for Hashem (or really anyone) to 'make you' not want schmutz so badly any more.

But you do want the schmutz, and it hurts too much to give it up, it's so sweet and warm. I know that, I feel it and relate. But it was not worth the price to me, finally...

I guess I had enough at some point. And then I was ready to give it up - I just could not do it. That is where G-d comes in. That's what He helps us do if we ask Him to help us give it up...if we really want Him to help us and we are really ready to give it up truly for today.

If you really want to be free of it, then there are a few things alcoholics have taught us - if we want to use the gift of freedom from the compulsion to drink alcohol that Hashem gave (gives) them:

1- Stop using the drug. Keep the system clean. Abstinence uber aless. I will not take a drink even if my tuchess falls off and seriously, even if it kills me.

This is not a solution, just a precondition to getting any better. Like, "Chaver, if you want to get rid of the headache you are complaining about, at least stop banging your head against the wall!"

For that, most of us will need group support. To meet in person, real people like us who have been stuck as we are - yet are not drinking (lusting) and yet not dying or depressed. Amazing, no? We meet them, shmooze w and listen to them talk about life (not about drinking/lusting or not drinking/not lusting), and we see that there is indeed life after pornlessness. There is no support like that...you will not find it quite like that here on GYE - because this place is virtual. You gotta meet these people in person and have them meet you, too, and keep up the real relationship. It's the power of the Captain Kirk phenomenon (know what I refer to?). They've gotta be real. As real as your acting out is. I mean you don't only fantasize virtually, do you? You actually fantasize. Right? And you don't just virtually masturbate - right? It's all real - and you need real people, if u really want this to work -- unless posting here is working fine for you! Which it clearly is not...

2- Start learning what it means to live in reality for a change. That has nothing to do with not lusting, not sinning, not acting out. That's in the #1 - this is #2. There is a whole huge thing called living - and it has nothing to do with our little battles with the addiction. It has to do with what kind of man we are, father we are, husband we are, Jew we are, whatever. We have real work to do besides 'not acting out our lust'. It has to do with how you treat people and yourself in your head and heart (steps 4-7), how you treat people in your actions (steps 8-10) and whether you are aware that you are actually not G-d (steps 1-3 and 11). The last, is the big shock. We think the world revolves around us, and whatever we do not like is a tragedy. We add religion into it and label things with religious values and we end up rationalizing why everything not going our way must indeed be a tragedy or a big deal.

Sanity and right-thinking do not bring an already screwed up person to sobriety. It's the opposite: Sobriety eventually allows a person to begin thinking rightly and experiencing sanity, progressively.

Working the steps on actual paper and with another person and using them in real life, are the ways we learn sanity. Sanity is not a thing in a book. Not even in the Torah. Rather, sanity is experienced inside our hearts and minds when we live right.

Is any of this workable for you?