Hey guys,

I'm on an excursion right now with LOADS of enticements. I'm seeing a lot of pritzus and it's been very hard. I feel like I'm on the verge of falling all the time. I'm constantly battling for my Kedusha. I have this really wild monster inside me that's screaming for all the craziest stuff which I know I can get easily. I've been able to stay clean for the past few hard days but it's getting really hard and I feel like it's only a matter of time. My old arguments against the YH feel stale and week. I need some fresh insight and chizuk from anyone who can help me.
I know that taking my glasses off more often can help and also being more aware of my thoughts. But I'm not too excited about my prospects. I don't feel like I have much Bechira right now and I'm thinking I need to prepare for a fall. I really can feel strongly that it's out of my hands and in Hashem's. I hope He channels his Koach into me and allows me to not sin.

Guys, you have the ability to really help me to not be mz"l and worse... Please help!

we care about you.we are rooting for you.that's the most i can say.
jack

Just do your best with Shmiras Einayim, and try to keep yourself occupied with other things. Don't obsess about 'I'm gonna fall", that might just backfire on you.

Stay strong and Keep On Trucking!!!

Gevura!

kidushashem wrote on 03 Jan 2012 06:29:

Fresh insights and chizzuk will not help very much, certainly not once you already feel lustful.  Do you have any person or people in your life who can offer you support?  The only thing I know of that may be able to help you right now is to distract yourself with something else like excercise, or call a friend.

Get a grip my friend.  Do you really want to go back to square one?  Isn't that more miserable than what you're going through right now.

Take concrete steps to stay clean.  Maybe skip something if it's going to be too difficult a test.
Avert your eyes, look at the sky or a wall.

Treat each moment as a separate nisayon if necessary.  Make the right decision this time.  Take it one nisayon at a time, one right decision at a time.  Exercise or take a brisk walk away from the triggers.  Keep very busy with good, clean things.

And come back here when it's over and tell us how you did.

Thanks so much to everyone for your replies so far!
I really want to respond to each of you individually but that's a bit too hard, so I'll suffice with thanking you all and saying that you each helped me in a different way.
Nevertheless, I'm still feeling very much on the edge; I got up this morning feeling like I want to go all out. I'm dying to have s** with a girl or at least do some p&m. The crazy thing is that I have easy access to all that. If I want to, I can go crazy.
I've been holding back, one moment at a time, begging Hashem to help me. So far, He has. But it's so hard... it feels like I'm going through withdrawal even though I haven't looked purposely at pritzus for months, not m*** or had s**. Obviously, it has to do with my current environment which is so overwhelmingly se*ual and enticing, but I thought that after being strong for so long, it would be easy to not fall. I'm kind of disappointed at how weak I feel even after so long being clean (around 5 months).
So I'm feeling extremely horny right now with all the temptations in the world at hand's reach. Hahem! Please help me! Look how hard I'm trying! Look at all my friends and comrades here who care for me and are rooting for me! Won't you pull me out of this? Don't we want the same thing?
My friends, please keep me in mind in your Davening today. I just can't do this alone. I'm really trying, but I feel like I'm barely passing the test. I only have a bit longer to go and then I can be back to normal in my environment. I really want to succeed.

How much longer do you have?  Can you make it one more hour? (and then one more...) Another 10 minutes? (and then another 10....)

Once you are out of the thick of the battle what can you do to work on your recovery?

We're here for you.  We are davening for you.

A good lesson for all of us not to ever get too confident in ourselves and our recovery and ability to resist temptation.  Recovery is built on avoidance and not sipping.  Sounds like maybe you've been doing a little sipping wherever it is that you are.  But you can start fresh with complete abstinence at any moment you like and turn things back around.

I'm davening.  Keep davening.

                I Thought We Were Friends

We've been together on this path for so long
Traveling together, you've been leading by your song
And when I hear your voice, I try not to hesitate
I follow behind and keep the even gait

You have shown me I can trust you
Pulled me through all I thought impossible
Helped me feel I was living truth
Showed me the safe way through the maze of life

It hasn't always been this way
You've been patient while I've gone astray
I thought I could run away and play
With all that you say no to

But when I thought I'd left you behind
When I thought I'd see no more of you forever
I would see a telltale sign
A shape or form telling me we were still together

And at my stride
When I wanted to come back
You always let me home with open arms
Putting up the "welcome back" signs

I did this all many times
I ran away from you thinking I would live alone
Be my own self and forget all you've given me
Ignore my incompetence and dependence on you

But now I have to ask
Why can't I see your shadow on this treacherous path
I thought we were friends at last
Leaving behind the past

I feel like I've come home for sure this time
I want it like the old times
Where is the sound of that beautiful music
Emanating from all around us

Where is that clue, that sign
To guide me towards you
Where have I not looked
That will hold the key to the divine

gibbor120 wrote on 04 Jan 2012 15:45:


I can and I must!

I really don't want to fall again. I really don't want to go back to square one. What for?

I've got to just do 1 moment at a time, each one a separate nisayon.

Alex, boy, are you right... I seem to just never learn this lesson. When I started out on this current 5 month streak, I remember posting on the forum how easy it is to fall by getting complacent and thinking that "I'm through" with the addiction. I remember writing how "it's not gonna happen this time". But here I am, right in the thick of things... It's incredible how many different tempting things there are around me right now. I guess that my nisayon is really hard and therefore it's an opportunity to really remove some of my past sins. "same woman, same place" kind of thing. Except that this woman is even more beautiful and the place is even more crazy than any place... I guess I just gotta pull through and get really close to Hashem through this.
Wow, that's kind of exciting now that I've built up some hype

You can't do it. Now that's a refreshing thought, no? There's nothing you can do not to fall. But you can pray constantly that Hashem takes control of your life. I saw a girl today...it took me a few minutes to gain my composure. I finally asked Hashem to help me find in Him what I was looking for in that woman. It made it a little easier. I also entertained a thought that she might be a man in drag. That helped some too. Hatzlocho. If I could help it any, I wouldn't act out.

i'm just posting what i got yesterday from the "Shmiras Ainayim" Chizuk E-Mail.


and we all pray for you "Kichlois Koicheinu, al Ta'azveinu"

hi kiddush what a challenge you are facing.I just davened for you.Now are you ready to make sacrifices to stay clean?Try to take action and do things that might be uncomfortable or not convenient ,just to avoid trigggers.We are with you nio matter what,you are part of a group of warriors.Act like it.Good Luck

r u still there?
GET THE GEHINNOM AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

or at least put on some music
GUITAR
Get Up, Into Truck And Rowuhl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thanks everyone for the chizuk!
special thanks to mechazek-I am touched to hear that you davened for me; It means a lot to me.

I'm still hanging on... the crazy energy that I was feeling the other day is now gone, but the nisyonos aren't so I am still keeping my guard up. Taking off my glasses helped a bit, but like I said, I'm surrounded with temptations, both unlimited and unfiltered media and live opportunities, so taking off my glasses is kind of like fighting a lion with a butter knife.
Right now, it's all in His hands. I need a miracle and so far he's been providing it.
It's not the end of the world if I fall though. If I fall, I will post it and hopefully find the strength, with everyone's encouragement, to get right back up and be stronger than ever!