day26
thankyou all for your support. i get sudden urges that i want it. but i come running to GYE. I turn to Hashem for help. Hashem is with me, i do not fear!
And i dont know if its just a 'high' that will stop, but im really leaping in my avoidas hashem. learning, davening, shalom bayis, etc. Im even feeling something i think i would define as love for my wife...not just a physical desire.

Mefatfait Beyitzro wrote on 26 Feb 2012 22:02:

amen! but, lets not forget to bring gan eden here in the physical world to fulfil the purpose of creation - an abode for Hakadosh Baruch Hu in the lower realms (Midrash Tanchuma). When we dont listen to the YH, tell him there is a boreh olam, we are bringing Hashem into our lives - the lower realms, this will for sure bring Moshiach NOW.

being in different countreies makes it very difficult to arrange timing of phone calls.but you are doing GRRRREAT!!!i agree you need to talk to someone - this is the only thing that helped me.so i hope you find someone, or keep trying the one that worked for you.and have patience - patience is one of the crucual attitudes in this battle.

more - that one call you had just helped you do what you always wanted to do - you just needed some incentive - a little push.call again if you need more 'pushes'.the people here are thrilled with your progress!!!

Day 27

I am sitting here by the computer with some work to do (I work from home on and off). And i want it. i want those images. But when i write these words and see them on my computer screen, i realise just how immature and selfish i am. I have to do what Hashem wants. and i need His help. And you guys on GYE are acting as pretty good shluchim mimarom. ("harbeh shluchim lemakom - Hashem has many messengers"). Oo. its tough. I guess i do feel like im dying. i went and bought myself some cookies to get my mind off it. No help. Thats not where my solution lies. it lies with Hashem. but its tough. boy its tough. i guess now i know what they mean when we have to be prepared to everything, even to die. I do feel like i am dieing, so to speak. There is this terrible depression coming over me. Hashem, please help me.

Writing out my thoughts here on the forum is really helpful. Better get going.
thankyou everyone for listening. still struggling

HM, Hang in there. Think of the wonderful avodah you are doing, loving Hashem "Bechol Levovcho, Ubechol Nafshecha"! You are letting go of your deepest desires and feeling like you are dying, for Him!

Keep On Trucking!

Gevura!

yo brother we're here!
right now
you shouldn't be
get into that truck
GUITAR!

You guys are great...day 29. or it should really be 29th consecutive day 1

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ride out the depression, ride it out.fasten your seat belts first, then ride it out.it's going to be bumpy, but you won't REALLY die, you'll just FEEL like you're dying.this is normal.until you feel like you're going to die, you can't really live - go figure THAT one out!

day 34...
hi guys
nice to check in...havent had access to internet for the past week or so.
Something terrible did happen you could call it a fall...heres goes:
While i didnt have access to internet i did have access to TV. I didnt open it the whole time, didnt even think about it until the last day when i was alone in the room with the tv. I wasnt feeling too well, and was a little bored. I just turned on the TV to flick thru the channels to see what was going on (as i am writing this i am just burying my head in my arms in shame...i never do this). I found a site with something slightly arousing, watched for a minute and then quickly changed channels. then i found an even greater trigger, flicked back and forth from the trigger channel...tried to pray to Hashem....eventually I began to watch and.....M**** for about a minute......then stopped. I closed the TV. Remembered some stuff from shaar habitachon in chovas halevovos. Asked Hashem to pull me out for just 5 minutes. So thats how i got out. 5 minutes for a time for about 20 minutes until i fell asleep. I felt like such a shmo.

So..i dont know if i should reset the count or not. I feel it would really damage me to do so....any suggestions?

Toughie... I had almost the same thing 2 weeks ago, got triggered and m*** without finishing. It's sort of a gray area in the rules.... I was going to let it be a slip, but the next morning i did it again, partway. I was feeling like i would explode if i didn't finish. I then decided i had to call it a fall because i knew if i didn't i would never stop.

I would say the same thing to you. If you can get back on track, it's probably best to let it slide and not get discouraged.So do what's best for you.

And remember....FALL SHMALL KEEP ON TRUCKING!!!!!  TOOOOOOTTTTT!!!!

Gevura!

it's not a fall.  it's a blip.  in 30 years you'll look back and think, ha!

day 35
great...so ill log on to the 90-day chart and click on stay clean!

helpme! wrote on 07 Mar 2012 08:00:

that feels great doesn't it? 

Day 46
BH
I have had ups and downs, asked Hashem for help and BH im still there. Already past the half way mark. But i try not to get myself too excited. One day at a time. Sometimes i need 5 minutes. I have a ratzon chazak and i tell him to come back in 5 minutes. my YH started telling me 'nu, its not such a big deal. ure making such a big deal out of nothing, a normal natural thing, blah blah blah, stop making such a fuss over nothing just do it'. so i told myself 'ok, if its not such an important thing, what do you care waiting another 5 minutes. Hashem please give me 5 minutes of being clean
when i am walking down the street and i see .... i ask hashem to help me stay clean. bh
i keep in mind that looking is like taking the first sip. and Hashem is helping me.

I wanted to adress something that really hit me hard this Purim. I realised that throughout my entire life i have been mainly self-centred. When i meet someone in the street, i am concerned with what he thinks of me. I once saw a friend from chul that i havent seen for a long time and said shalom aleichem, etc, and was very happy with myself that people saw i had this friend from chul. In fact i had planned out this meeting months in advance....i saw him coming and me saying shalom aleichem to him, because it is an opurtunity to stand out from the crowd and to get attention. you know, when two people give a big shalom aleichem everyone turns around and looks...? Thats what i wanted.

Another incident...when i walked from the hospital after the birth of my child on a Shabbos i intentionally made the wrist band given to new fathers visible so when i walked past a group of strangers they would know i was a new father and give me a mazeltov. i even asked directions and then pointed in the direction, asking them 'this way, right?' with my the arm that had the wrist band!

With my wife, I am always careful to say and do the right things so that she should be happy with me. So i dont get into fights, and have to deal with it. She should just enjoy being around me. I 'cottonwool' things a lot.

Even rabonim, i sometimes ask them questons just to show them how much i know!

I realised that all of this comes from my childhood. You see, I recently was very hurt by my parents and felt that they didnt see or care about my position. They made ridiculous claims, and werent even prepared to listen to my side of the story. After thinking about it, i came to the conclusion that it is very difficult for them (even beyond them) to see the other person. To see their feelings. To acknowledge that that person is a person just like themselves. All they see is themselves. Everyone else has to conform to their desires, etc.

I guess i 'inherited' this sickness from them. You see, my mother is a prescription drug addict and my father is a sex addict. Neither of them admit it. Everybody knows it. Of course, it is now my resbonsibility to change myself. I cant blame my parents forever.

I think that it is because of this sickness that i have lust. When i see a girl (i wouldnt mind being graphic here, it really expresses how i feel, but i understand the damages that could be done by that so ill just use random astericks to express what i really want to say) *************** all i see is an object for my lust. I dont care that this girl has a mind. I dont care that this girl has a heart. emotions. feelings. is a person just like me. This girl is being abused. The smile on her face is a lie. She most likely goes home afterwards and cries. Yes, she is a person. If you were her, youd probably shoot yourself. This, i think, is the first time i have ever truly seen another person as another person, just like me. Not as an object to be used for my lust. for my sickness. Now, ive started to care.

I actually remember a particular image, which once was a trigger for me. Now i remember that face, and i cry. Its probably not such a good idea to store it in my mind (well, its there anyway, isnt it?)

Now, i see another person and think to myself. 'this is a person, just like me'. just like me. How would i want to be treated. Ive started to see how hurtful i can be to people.

Now, when i see a girl on the street i ask Hashem 'Hashem, help me and take away my lust. and help this girl that my lust shouldnt turn her into an object'. I have never had such a clearer understanding of the idea of making women into objects in my life.

Stay tuned....I realised that i have done step 1 by myself some 6 or 7 years ago and could never understand why the 'effect' ran off. This stuff is a day-by-day avoida. Not a one-off! Its just going to take such a long time to write it, and i really have to go
thankyou for listening, your feedback is most appreciated!
btw good news - i found a phone conference in Israel at an appropriate time for me, tomorrow at 3pm. Im tuning in, imyh for the first time!