i dont have so many people to reach out to.  I dont like talking about it too much with Rabbaim, although there arre those that know and I dont have so many friends.  thats part of the problem is i get lonely and bored.  the internet is a quick fix, and it just so happens that thats my yetzers favorite pasttime.  im much better when theres people around that i connect with, but its somewhat rare lately.  it also happens very quickly.  ill be fine and all of a sudden im falling. today im tryingg really hard to stay clean, and will hopefully learn some but im feeling tired and out of it.  we'll see. for now I think ill nap and maybe read a bit. thanks for the support..

Dear struggling,

Sometimes we cover our inner pains and emotional emptiness with M*** and it distracts us for a very short while. 

When we are ready to finally give it up, those pains come forward and we unfortunately learned from a very young age to deal with it only one way, but obviously that way doesnt get us too far, and only leads to guilt and misery.

So the trick is when we finally let go to actually EMBRACE the pain and emptiness, and daven to Hashem to help you deal with this new pain (that you have previously dealt with by crushing and avoiding). Its this new raw pain that feels very scary but as you face it and learn to accept it, it gets easier.

I hope that makes sense. Its said with my own experience.

I had a job interview yesterday and was feeling nerves all day but i just let it happen, was fully aware of it, felt it, and you know what? That is the feeling of being ALIVE !! We have stunted our emotional growth all these years until now, we have medicated ourselves so as not to feel reality. 

Its time to start living and feeling and being FREE !!!!

im well aware of all of this.  i just forget it sometimes.  it also doesnt help that the pain is real, and the circumstances are holding strong so far.  granted, if i could clear this up I'd have a better spiritual clarity to deal with it.  ugh. one day soon

What about people here on GYE?  Have you called/met any of them.  Have you admitted the nature of your problem.  In short, have you been real with real people?  Good friends are only a phone call away.  If you keep in touch regularly, it might be easier to call when you feel low.  Just call, dial the number whether you feel like it or not.  It can make all the difference.

I wish you hatzlacha!

A fellow struggler.

i havent so much.  im sure theres guys here at my school on here but im afraid to investigate to openly.  im actually involved in a thread that if i had to guess the guy was at my school, though that could be a heuristic and im just guessing.

Is there someone on the forum you identify with?  Someone that you think would be a good friend for you?  Why not send a PM?  Exchange phone numbers.  Do you have a Google Voice #?  I haven't yet read from anyone here that calling a friend was a mistake.  Only that it was a releif, and it wasn't so bad was very positive after all.  We all need real people.  I know I do.

yes and i did. we'll see what happens.

Great!

Dear brother,
I can only repeat what I already told you once: I don't think you're ready to stop.
You don't see it as such a big deal. So you fall, then you report it on the forum, and then you white-knuckle it for a little while, and then you fall again. Sometimes you fall within twenty minutes from reporting "progress" (if GYE timer is any indication).
It doesn't look like you're doing anything at all to stop compulsive masturbation, and the reason you fall so "fast" is precisely that: you masturbate compulsively, without a chance to give it a thought.
Do you have any kind of fence set up, something to do before a fall, even maybe to put a nickle in the pushka, or call your mom, I'm not even saying reach out to someone who understands your problem, like another compulsive masturbator/sex addict.
You mentioned once, I think, that the Handbooks don't speak to you, chizuk emails are not for you, all kinds of materials you have no use for, and you can't relate to anyone with the same problem (unless they are in school with you?!).
I think you're still toying with this, thinking if only you can masturbate without guilt, and control the frequency, you'd be OK.
Well, good luck.
I'll be happy to reach out to you when you are on the bottom of the pit. Until then I'm afraid there is nothing to be done for you.
Gut Shabbos. 

i have too much control to reach the "bottom of the pit".  Frankly I take offense to your reply and dont think it is right.  I am for sure ready to stop.  i have fences, they just dont work.  and yeah youre right I dont feel guilt, but i feel regret.  i dont feel guilt becuase ive been told by too many that its not a big deal, and I dont think that harboring insane guilt for something that is bad but not as bad as many make it out to be is healthy.  I just have trouble finding the balance between that and really wanting to be pure.  my acting out is from the same thing almost everyt time, an intense loneliness.  when I am with people i am fine.  i also have a long time behind me of acting out without guilt that its hard to reprogram the self (see kuntres mayin habeis Hashem maamar 14 I believe).  I know its doable but its very hard, and I need some help and I'm not finding it.  I have a major safeguard for my eyes on the internet and BH it works.  I have no filter on my internet, just COvenant Eyes and i am fine.  now I need to work on something for my hands...

Dear S&S BT,

As one who has studied Kuntres Umaayon, and other Chabad works, as a fellow lover of Chassidus, I have found that I need my own self imposed mussar to get myself on the right track. 

I have found a very powerful tool that Is the shiurim given by reb Dovy on the shmiras ainayim mp3 classes that you can easily download and listen to. May i suggest you try that and see if it gives you the chizuk you are missing.  A voice in the head can work wonders, especially as Reb Dovy is loving and yet tough, no judgement, just a friend sharing his own struggles.

IT Is working for me  !!  Give it a shot. let me know if you cant find the mp3 clips on GYE

HY

strugglingandstrivngBT wrote on 26 Nov 2011 23:10:

What are you doing to combat the lonliness?

strugglingandstrivngBT wrote on 26 Nov 2011 23:10:

Handcuffs? ;D

strugglingandstrivngBT wrote on 26 Nov 2011 23:10:

Putting being offended on a side for now, I think the above quote is exactly the problem: you think you're in control and yet you masturbate time after time. So who's in control? I'm not judging, I'm just asking a question that is obvious to an onlooker. In Kuntreis Heichaltzu he discusses the benefit of reaching out to friends, and of the obvious benefits is that someone who is NOT you, can have a clearer view of your situation.
strugglingandstrivngBT wrote on 26 Nov 2011 23:10:

Forgive me, this is the same as saying "I put a string around my house, but the robbers still got in". If the fence doesn't work, is it the concept of a fence, or the fence itself is inadequate?
strugglingandstrivngBT wrote on 26 Nov 2011 23:10:

Guilt is a natural consequence of doing something wrong (experienced by a responsible adult). Of course you don't feel guilt if you yourself don't think it's a big deal. I'm not talking about being guilt-ridden to the point of being debilitated, but without realizing that masturbating is wrong on so many levels (this is coming from a guy who spent over twenty years masturbating a couple of times a day every day, so please bear with me), and without feeling sufficiently guilty about it, I don't know if anyone can work on stopping. 
strugglingandstrivngBT wrote on 26 Nov 2011 23:10:

so get out there and find "people". People who can share your problem can be found at the nearby SA meeting, but you won't go there for fear of being labeled a sex addict. As for me, a label of any sort is less important than my sanity. And being able to look someone in the eye and tell them "I really fell like masturbating" and find understanding in their eyes is precious to me.
strugglingandstrivngBT wrote on 26 Nov 2011 23:10:

Yes it takes time. Only castration is somewhat instant, but who wants to go that route?
As a closing remark, I would also submit to you, that in order to find help you need to look for it in places where it is available, not where it is "easy" to be looking.
Just my thoughts. I hope I'm less offensive this time around.