I just fell hard.  the story of my day....I've been having doubts about certain aspects of yiddeshkeit that are taken for granted by most and stuggled with by me, namely kabbala's authenticity and role in my hashkafa (strong foundations in Chasidus and a very emotional emuna).  so thats on the back burner.  Ive also been stuggling with looking at pictures on facebook again.  also on the side burner.  I had a doctor appt with a new psychiatrist.  he's wearing a kippah and everything.  Tell's me masturbation is fine but overexagerated by the rabbis.  SO now Im confused.  all this together and im very confused. all I want is to look at something. then my computer crashes as I'm trying to.  mamash crashes.  so im like a sign.  then I looked at some mild pics in a library computer, a new low for me.  i still cant believe i did that.  so i have a chevrusa and im feeling a bit better.  i get my computer fixed baruch Hashem and its now fresh, clean slate.  also unblocked.  first thing I go for is the hard stuff.  after falling once in the shower before this.  I know this is wrong.  I know that its not what I want. but I dont understand it, I dont have a source.  I feel like I'm missing Hashem and His Torah, my long lost friends. My helpers.  I saw the hashgacha why cant I accept it and stop this nonsense once and for all?  I have an appt with my therapist tomorow.  He's usualy better about straightening e out when I flip out like this but i needed some venting and a cry fro some logical advice.  or maybe just a virtual hug.  ugh I'm so upset righ now taht I cant even cry out to HaKadosh Baruch Hu.  I miss Him right now. 

Falling is generally a good time to re-group and fix/change your outlook on the situation. It seems that the part of  you that wants to act out is looking for excuses to do so. Facebook, hashkafa etc. It could seem that the problems are the cause, but problems exist by every person, and not everyone acts out.

Me talking to myself here-- Our subconscious state of mind makes us interpret natural events in certain ways that are not true, and are negative, so that we will act out eventually. Many people have problems with their torah outlook, doubts, etc.. they don't act out. Maybe its time to re group and ask ourselves why we keep judging events, rather than just experiencing them.  Must mean were self destructive, and will tell ourselves anything so that we can act out.

Try reading about mindfulness, www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/mindfulness.html . Its been used successfully by psychologists for Borderline Personality Disorder ( disturbance in personality function, with severe fluctuations in mood). It teaches a person to just accept a thought or event in one's mind as just a thought and not a fact. It allows us to not judge things negatively and ruminate on our obsessive thoughts for hours. Thoughts come from nowhere, we don't have control over them. We can accept them as just thoughts and move on, while negating so called "bad" thoughts is actually causing us to dwell on them more ( see Alei Shor).

Bottom line is, that we don't have the tools to live a normal life without masturbation.  Stopping with the help of G-d is not enough, we must somehow begin to develop these tools. Be strong =)

Hi struggling.  Sounds like you may need a different sikiyatrist.  Hashkafa questions are usually the result of emotional issues, not the other way around.

We're here for you.  We're listening bro.

Hi my friend,

I really, really relate to everything you wrote. I went through a very hard and painful period in life where I had lots of doubts about Yiddishkeit and Hashem. I've also fallen on many, many occasions and have felt the hopelessness and feeling of being lost and directionless, which you describe. My heart goes out to you, my brother.
I see though that you know what to do at this point. Writing your feelings on GYE will really help you. Just keep writing and getting some nice responses. You'll feel much better soon.

Love,

KH

It's well known that questions in Emunah when a person is not clean are not really questions in Emunah.  They're excuses for him to act out and otherwise live a life of Hefkeirus.

So, don't despair.  Take steps to get clean (begin, perhaps, with the GYE Handbook), and see if you still have questions (if you still do, there are many Seforim in English with good answers).

thanks all.  I'm relatively more sane right now.  I'm still a bit confused but no where near as bad.  I totally agree about the doubt being an excuse to act out, and it totally was.  however there is still a few things to work out in my confusion.  regardless, P and M dont fit into the life I want to live, and i have to cut it out.  thats really the bottom line.  so my web monitering is back up, I already watched Hashem wipe out my computer for looking at stuff (it crashed becuase I was trying to fix the internet to view stuff and messed up in the process) adn BH might be giving me a second chance (its working and I might be able to get my files back).  I had a lovely Shabbos and am ready to face the week.  SO far totally clean, with a few hours of learing to start tthe week off.  so far im significantly better start than last week.  lets see how long it goes, one day at a time...

I always seem to speak too soon.  I got curious if there was something I could do unnoticed by my moniter and there sort of was.  but I stopped myself before it got too bad.  even though I know Im not alone, its still really hard...ugh

We all care about you very much. It's difficult, no question about it, but you also know that you can do it.

Hey Struggling,

welcome to the club. We are all in this together. Put your hand out, I am holding it tight, im your brother same struggles. can someone else hold Strugglers other hand ?

Ok. Now. I need you to search on GYE for the downloads of the Shmiras enayim shiurim given by Reb Dovy. I have been listening to them just 15 minutes each, the words of love and chizuk are ringing in My ears all the time. I must have gone through 3 months of shiurim in the last 2 weeks. Powerful stuff, no judgement, just chizuk and love and encouragement.

Thats what you need. Let me know once you've downloaded them onto your MP3 player and what you think.

with love, HY

hey, dont let go. Am still holding your hand ...

after numerous slips with facebook I am done with it.  I am having all messages sent to me and am going to try to severely limit my usage.  this is the last frontier I have to battle with and I'm excited to be done.  also a bit scared.  I'm at the stage where I want to want to stop, but I dont really want to.  does that make sense to anyone? i feel a bit tumahdik after all the shtus Ive seen.  mayeb after some clean time I'll be more clear.  bhatzlacha all!

strugglingandstrivngBT wrote on 23 Nov 2011 05:01:

You said it perfectly.  That's exactly how it feels to give it up. Great!

Good for you! Another step up the ladder of Kedusha!

I totally understand the conflicted feelings. Giving up something that has been such a major part of our lives, it feels like we are ripping out a piece of our very essence.... After a while you will not miss it so much.

KUTGW & KOMT!!!!!

Gevura!

Mazel Tov!
beautiful job!

again a fall. but I'm ok with it.  I want to tell myslef that its becuase I spent the bulk of the day engrossed in school work, and I have what left to do.  but thats not why.  its because I found an unfiltered source. the source is weak but it has plenty of stimulating material and I couldnt say no to a well of free unmonitered stuff.  unfortunate.  I will have to do better next time.  all and all i have been strong, except today but really that is understandable as I am lonely and bored.  it happened so fast.  I knew I was at risk because I kept clicking away but I thought I was safe from a full blown fall.  i guess I was wrong... ugh.  til next time...

Are you reaching out to people when you feel weak (and when you don't too)?