I am not saying do not bether searching and discovering! I am only interested in pointing out to you that, like for anything else, there are limitations for it's usefulness.

OK, so assume what you will about me and where I am coming from, but my experience was just like that of the drunks. They discovered that after all their reasoning and backround examination, they could finally, clearly say that they understood just how they could ever have become drunks.

But then they discovered something much, much more important. This great fact turns out to be so much more important than their first discovery, that it dwarfs it by comparison:

They discovered that it was not the fifth drink (or in my case, the third hour viewing porn or the third sex phone call I made) that got us hopelessly drunk, irresponsible, and into some trouble - it was the first one that did us in. It always was the first one that got us in trouble, never the second or third one.

This is not a mussar schmooze nor something apparent, but seems to always be a shocking realization if one is a drunk of any kind. If you think that was always obvious to you, then I submit to you that you do not truly know it yet. Me and most addicts I know, feel sure it will be the second or third trip to the porn that will 'get us hooked this time' - and that is why we take the first look! We never acted out unless we thought we could control it.

Nobody runs with their eyes closed down a dark, unfamiliar hallway. Not you, not me. Yet so many times after I acted out, I felt 'duped'! Did you? I thought I could peek a little while running down that hallway and somehow 'get away with it' this time. And yet there I would be, doing things I thought I'd never do again...again.

So why then do I do it when I act out? Because I was abused? Because I was unloved? Because I lack confidence, faith, self-respect, have pain, hatred, or fear?

Nope.

I do it because I am prone to craziness. It's just nuts.

This is what the alcoholics begged people with drinking problems to consider in chapter 3 of of AA, "More About Alcoholism," where Bill wrote:

"But the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly an exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge. This is a point we wish to emphasize and reemphasize, to smash home upon our alcoholic readers as it has been revealed to us out of bitter experience."

Please consider reading that chapter, as it concerns any soul-searcher closely. Hey, reject the entire thing and trash it if you se fit. But I hope you consider it, that's all. It may not apply to you, at all! That would not bother me in the least, and I'd lose no respect for you. I trust you far more than I trust me, when it comes to knowing you!

And I do wish for you to see how you got here. It is a great, important nechoma. But I also wish for you to realize that while  knowing the catalysts of your goofiness can help you live better in some ways, if you are an addict it will not enable you to control lust as other people can.

At least that is the way it works for me and others. I have seen too much hardship resulting from misplaced confidence in self-awareness. It does bring some emotional freedom and healing...but insanity is insanity.

But hey, nodody likes the 1st and 2nd steps.... 

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Who cares?

Welcome back Unomas, we missed you! We are here, and we care!

You went through so much in your younger years, yet you still say you had a "happy childhood". You obviously have a great attitude, that will help you so much.

Gevura!

how are you getting on?

Unomas!!!

unomas wrote on 05 Oct 2011 18:55:


So sad to see you go. Your story really touched me. I hope that you find the healing and comfort you need.
(And I hope you stick around under your other name, whatever it is.)

Gevura!