Hello everybody!
Sorry I had to go away.
Much love.

Read the whole thing.  It's good for all of us to hear this as parents (or future parents).  It's good that you're getting all of this out.  At the end of the day, we only have our Father in heaven to rely upon.  Ki avi v'imi azavuni, v'Hashem yaasfeni.  S.R. Hirsch translates/explains: even if...my mother and father would abandon me to my own devices, G-d would still gather me up and believe in my ability to mend my ways (quoted in Metsudah Siddur).

Thanks for sharing.
Alex

What a beutiful and honest post  :'(.  We're here for you buddy.  You say you've been here a while, so I guess you know us already.  We look forward to getting to know you.  I identified with a lot of what you wrote.  I experienced it in a different way, but also I did not share my feelings with my parents, or much of anyone else for that matter.

WELCOME HOME! We are here for you.

read it through. wow, i feel for you. at the same time it is good to dig these things up and somehow put them to rest properly. keep on writing, we are listening
wishing you hatzlocha, healing and joy

Unomas,

I am crying for you, tears are running down my cheeks I can't imagine the torture you have gone through for 20 years.

There is nothing you can do but turn to avinu shebashamyim, he is the closest person we have in our lives who is available any time.
Pour your heart out and don't stop till he answers.
The book by r shalum Arush which are well known especially garden of emuna will help you come to terms with things.
You also need in the book by him In the  forest fields where he teaches you to talk to Hashem.
Buy them now and read them 3 times cover to cover.

One thing which may or may not be true, “take the first step towards recovery“ Hashem always wants our first step and he is prepared to wait a long time for this.

Hazlocha and be gebenched.

unomas i am all with you
i was beaten bullied ganged up nicknamed smashed abused locked in locked out, sleeped in woods, hidden in fores at nights, went thru hell on this world, but  i  a m  a l i v e !!! b"h
so my message is: dont look back, your past is your milestone to immune you, just start today to cleans yourself, you dont deserve to roll in mudd anymore, just wash off, and be carefull to never slip into it again

Welcome, brother Unomas!
As I was becoming frum in my teenage years, and not having my parents' support, the posuk Ovi v'Imi Azovuni, V'Hashem Yasfeini rang so true!
He is our true loving Father, as sad as the reality may be with the man and the woman who were supposed to be there for us.
Stay strong!

Wow what a story. I can identify with so much of it, being picked on as a kid, not being able to share my feelings, self-soothing at a young age....

"Puking" it all out definitely helps. The more you get these repressed feelings out in the open the less they will torture you. So keep sharing, we are here to listen....

Be strong!

Gevura!

wow

be strong we are here for you.

keep letting out all the stuff....

unomas wrote on 06 Oct 2011 17:16:

you sound like a kind and caring parent, your kids are fortunate. kol hakavod

Uno,
You're really getting me choked up (and I don't get this way easily).  Wish I could give you a hug.
After all you've been through, it's amazing you're as functional as you are.  You survived the perfect childhood storm.
You know who that head counselor was?  A lust addict acting out big time.  This is a vicious cycle.  I am so glad that you, me, and our buds here on GYE are breaking out once and for all.  Give your kids a hug for me, and read them a story.  Take them on a hike.
Have a spectacular Succos!
Alex

whew! just finished reading
glad you call this a "good" childhood
and that you think you can't be compared to all those who were molested, abused etc. etc.
we're all with you

wow
your an amazing father.
i hope all kids would have a good and caring father like you.

keep up the good work
we need strong people like you in klal-yisroel.

Dear Chaver (whatever your real name is),

Thanks for sharing that heartfelt and thorough piece. It is rare that people are ready to start - and actually carry though with - sharing these types of details. If you asked for feedback anywhere in all that, here is some:

You wrote, "And I think that this got so ingrained in me, that I am alone for myself, im lo ani li, mi li?"

And therein lies something that strikes me about your analysis and discussion:

It is non-stop self-analysis. You explain and detail what molded you into the person you are today.

True, self-knowledge is part of steps 6 and 7, but at that point it is a gift. That is why it works. We are more out of the way, so we are given to see better. Not more 'in the driver's seat' because of how wise we have become. And the most precious thing about the recognition of self in step 4 is not any complex analysis we may have made, but a rather the simplicity of opening our eyes to reality of how we feel about what others do to us or about what we have done to them. It isn't wisdom but surrender. Willingness, rather than holding onto ego and self-justification. It usually has nothing to do with seeing how what he did to me made me this way or that way, and little to do with how we have suffered as children or adults. Of course we have suffered. No addict can understand how it hurts to be an addict. And very, very things have happened to some of us. They need to be said, shared, and admitted. But it is not the secret of sobriety, as it only explains our actions - maybe. So now we might know how we got this way. But that does not often do a thing to help us stop. Romance with self-knowledge is unimpressive to me, and I have never seen it help an iota in achieving sobriety (for addicts).

I have no interest in debate on this, as I am not a shrink, nor a wise person. I only share what is desperately important to me, with you. I have seen many waste their years in this pursuit, as I have. I wish you the best and hope you see my good intentions even if you may disagree.



You never said what your problem was, never asked a question here. You seemed to be reaching out for some kind of help - but specifically for what? You do not say here. Go ahead and say it then, chaver. What is it that you are trying to get or accomplish? It would be helpful to clarify that, I think.

And finally, your apology about the 'double anonymity'. You have been on the forum for a while and you are trying to avoid this persona from being connected and co-identified with your regular one, I guess, and for your own good purpose. But if healing through expression (on an already only virtual network!) is what you seek, then how in the world is removing all the context for your sharing supposed to increase the meaning of what you are sharing? It is possible that you may benefit from more valuable feedback without the hester besoch hester. That is my opinion.

I have nothing to lose nor gain by what I ask you. If you feel it is helpful then fine - if you do not, then I have nothing to apologize for. (Can I apologize anyway, just in case?)

dov wrote on 11 Oct 2011 17:49:

beautiful dov. thanx. i never thought of things this way, i was always into self micro analysis. you just opened my eyes.