Great story, thanks for sharing.  Regarding tell your wife, bold move.  For me for the next 7 or so months I simply cannot tell my wife, b'shah tova.  After that, maybe.  But even then I think that would be the worst move on my part.  consult your local sponsor.  ;-)

Gesher Tzar Meod wrote on 05 Nov 2011 21:06:

Here's the link www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=3524.msg124346#msg124346 .

Yasher koach!  Like a lot of things in life we are afraid of,  they're usually not as bad as we fear.

Thanks gibbor!
Would you mimd PM ing me as to how you did that?
I'm almost a year on the forum and I havent figured it out yet!

I posted my method here www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4710.msg124405#msg124405.

I thought others might benefit from this "trick" also.

Dear Showoff,

I just found your full thread.

One thing I have to say...

It is admirable, and I think even necessary, to disclose our struggles with our wives (but not before we have significant clean time, and not before we discuss it with someone who is much further along in recovery than we are).  However, they only need to know in a general way that we're having trouble, and that we're working on it.  Sometimes, because certain action is required, we need to disclose more.

My wife has the password to my internet filter.  Every so often I have a weak moment and discover something that isn't blocked and needs to be added to the filter list of blocked key words. I need my wife's help for that because she has the password.  So, for example, I say, "I need to add a word to the filter."  And we leave it at that.

From what I read in your post, it looks like you are disclosing too much to your wife.  It is not a good thing to bring excessive pain to your wife.

It IS a good thing to get totally honest with SOMEONE.  That's what a good friend in recovery is for.  If at all possible someone you can call, and even better--someone you can even meet up with once in a while.  But, if I understood correctly, that your wife should know EXACTLY WHO you are lusting after, and when--I am sorry to say that, not only is that unneccesary, it is even cruel.

My wife found out about my addiction, and about my recovery, and eventually she was jealous of the changes I was going through in my recovery that she joined the counterpart recovery group for spouses.

It is more important that our spouses see the efforts we are making on improving OURSELVES in recovery, in becoming better people, more attentive and more considerate of our wives and children.  That is what we need to Showoff to our wives and family.  The specific details about lust, about every slip and every fall, generally does more harm than good when we share them with our wives.  It is best kept to other fellows in recovery.

--Elyah

No way.  To quote R. Avidgor Miller, everything you tell your wife "can and will be used against you"

doesnt the posuk say eizer knegdo and do not tell me rashi on that possuk because you know what I am going to tell you back.

and if you are lusting wont it be great that it is used against you?

What you are doing, to me, sounds like this:

A pyromaniac who can't stop himself from burning things down.  Every once in a while he singes his wife's fingertips, or his kid's toes.  The pain he sees in their eyes gives him a shock--for a bit--and facilitates his own recovery, which he is very proud of, and for which all his friends congratulate him.

If you think about it, that's sick.

Sharing with your wife IN THIS AREA is not merely disclosing things to her.  IT HURTS HER--AND DEEPLY SO.  And that's not something we can do, for our own benefit, at someone else's expense.

Yes, there are some things which must be shared; but not to the point to cause unneccesary pain to one's wife.

You might say:  But aren't I hurting my wife by looking at porn and at the neighbor's wife anyways?

The answer is, "yes."  But it's indirect.  There's a big difference between that and between directly telling your wife how madly attracted you are to young Mrs. Goldberg with the long blonde sheitel who lives across the street.  There's a difference between your wife knowing in a general way that you are struggling in this area, and between her knowing every time you masturbate and every time you look at porn (and what you were looking at, too.  Sorry dear, I just have an odd weakness for nude hispanic babes).

I hope you can hear this point.

--Elyah

...and, if you want a little bit of Torah, there's a halacha regarding Lashan Hara that come to mind which I think applies here as well:  Even when it is permitted to speak derogatorily of someone, you don't have a blanket heter to tell EVERYTHING.  If you can say just a little bit and accomplish your purpose, than every word BEYOND THAT which you say is an ISSUR Lashan Hara.  (And if you can accomplish your purpose without saying ANYTHING DEROGATORY, that's even better).

(If you need the exact source in Sefer Chofetz Chaim, let me know and I'll try to find it again for you.)

Here, too.  If you wife knows you have trouble with internet pornography and with guarding your eyes on the street, she will be looking over your shoulder enough with that--even if she doesn't know all the details.

I know one Rav who (I am sure is not an addict), but when he's walking down the street with his wife and an un-tznius woman is walking the other direction, his wife says to him, "Hey Shmuel--it's time to take your glasses off!" Or something to that effect.  She knows that men have a challenge in this area, in a general sense, and that's all she needs to know in order to be helpful here.

(NOTE:  Name has been changed to protect the Rabbi's true identity)

--Elyah

Well eye.nonymous, I would generally agree, however it's hard to lay down the law for everyone in this area.  Each home is very different, and the damage is different, and the cure is different...

That being said, "everything you tell her will be used against you".  hence, kenegdo.  ;-)

Here's a dov quote www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4695.msg131444#msg131444 on the subject.

ontheedgeman wrote on 10 Feb 2012 13:38:


There are a lot more similarities than there are differences.

Eye.Nonomous I want to tell you my situation and then would like to hear your comments.
About 5 years ago I was told you are an addict and then everything fell into place in my head.I began therapy and had some sobriety for a few months and then fell over bein hazemanim and then my wife found porn on computer.She told me divorce is not an option and neither is watching porn or massages....So from then on my sobriety took on a new seriousness and I was very focused on staying clean. With the help of my therapist I put tremendous emphasis on rebuilding trust.I began calling her from a phone in yeshiva at the begining of the morning and the afternoon.At night she would lie in her bed in great pain and worry and I spent a lot of time emphasizing with her,trying to feel what she was going through.Imagining the thoughts she must have, the fears she was  experiencing.I would allso express all this it to her even though I was sometimes scared and thought maybe I was putting ideas in her mind but trust me she never complained that I was overdramatizing.While doing this it helped her to feel cared for and understood and it was like a deep cleansing for me to feel and see what the consenquenses of my actions were,to live the reality of what I had done how sick I was.How every time I acted out I was killing myself destoying what I wanted in life.I had a few months of sobriety and then I would fall but every time that I fell I would learn so much about the sickness and my essence as a person.Over time with my therapist I found that whenever I was weak my wife knew it she would have unexpected explosions could not connect in bedroom and there would be this distance between us that we could not get past so I started sharing with her when I acted out and only told her what she insisted on knowing she has told me that this greatly strenghthened the trust between us.

Every time i shared with her it was beneficial.
The acting out that I shared with her was usually porn.I would not tell her about regular lusting in the street A.because I thought lusting was only a problem when it lead to porn and not that it was its own drug.B.because I was scared to.But hashem has his ways and I posted on here a few months ago that I was lusting after a neighbor of mine and SHE SAW THE POST  this was shocking to her because she never thought that I was lusting after other heimishe woman like her she thought it was some porn disease,not that I would actually want to be with a fellow yiddishe mama,I could not possibly be that sick.I was so sweet to her could I possibly hurt her that bad.She thought it was only porn actresses and sex scenes so this was a real game changer for her and in the long run a huge blessing.Anyways she only wanted to know who it was that I was lusting after, after pushing her off for awhile I realized that my wife  will be thinking and analyzing each woman untill she thinks she figured it out, so to RELIEVE HER OF HER OBSESSION I told her and she was very thankful for it.Since then it has been very rough for us but we have learnt a heck of alot about each other,she has opened up much more to me about her struggles and I have learnt alot to.Now I do not really have to tell her that I am lusting because she knows immediately,she has this half smirck on her face.