Gibbor: Couldn't of said it better, every person is different.

i am proud of you!!!!!

Gibbor is right every person is different.but to thy own self be true.We adicts have to constantly be asking ourselves are we being honest with ourselves.I find that alot of times guys do not want to discuss issues of their married life because THEY WANT TO PROTECT THEIR WIVES meanwhile you are just to scared to bring it up.Those of you who know what I am talking about please share that way we can learn from you.and those of you who disagree please let me know because I need others to keep me sane.

it not only applies to things we do wrong.men have alot of trouble telling deeply personal things to thier wives.sounds strange,for isn't getting closer about sharing of ourselves to each other?But men have trouble doing this for a variety of reasons.need to have thier own space.ego.not wanting to feel vulnerable.wanting to create some form of independent life where thier wives dont exist.(and that it where the double life people have starts really getting bad.one life the wife knows about.and the other life that she doesnt).Not that you need or should tell your wife everything.She doesn't need to know how many times you went to the bathroom today.But the general mindset has to be openness.a willingness to show all sides of your life to her.No double  life.

It is far better to have one whole flawed life (that you can share with your wife) than to have a double fractured life where one part is good (the part you want your wife to see) and where one part is dark and spinning out of control (the part you shut your wife out of for her own "protection" which is selfish and destructive)

and this is really for the married forum, not here,sexual energy which is not focused  in a healthy way towards one's wife only is indeed a representation of a double life

when it's lust and not the healthy physical desire that stemms from real authentic love,it is then you are hurting your wife the most.you may be having sex with her but you are not experiencing real intimacy.And that is when the double life can really really hurt her.because you are separating her body from her soul.And that is when the physical relationship is not about love.And she knows this

yup!

yechida you are so right!
very well said
its still very hard!
I think i have to read your post another hundred times
each time i think "he's right! go tell her!"
but then i back down
we're working on it
thank you

Hi gesher thanks for posting.Have you told any real person yet?

My wife is taking it so hard and I seem to be fallling more and more.I finally called my therapist and left a meassage yesterday.I feel so called and unconnected I am really scared.

Showoff,
Other than fighting this and reporting to your wife, what are you doing to recover?

I did not tell my wife, she caught me.  Initially, I made some lame excuses which she saw straight through (of course).  Once I knew, I could not hide it, I told her (exactly how much and what is for another time).  Those first days and weeks were excruciatingly painful.  I was in a complete daze for at least a couple of days.  We talked and talked and talked some more (never talked that much since dating )

Anyway, 2+ years later, we are closer than we could have ever been, had she not found out.  There are still times that she is upset, but overall, we have a much more open honest relationship.  She was always open, but I am still learning more and more to share my feelings with her.  I'm learning that it's ok, to not be perfect, and that she loves and respects me more when I tell her honestly about my problems (with lust and in general), than when I keep them inside and try to deal with them myself.

n

I did some private time last night and decided to call my therapist whenever I lust and to pray blefore I go outside and I did neither today,and I fell even further.

Gesher- I think you should ask a Rav (which it sounds like showoff did) before telling your wife.  Every circumstance is different.  I'd be worried about someone reading these posts, going and telling his wife, and that ending his marriage.  Every person has to know what to do in his own world.  If you should tell her, do it!  But speak to someone who knows you as a couple first.  Love to everybody- I had the whole forum in my tefillos on Yomim Noraim.

yes showoff i have spoken to real people about it in the past.
BB i appreciate the advice, after 20+ years i think our marriage can handle it
but if necessary i can speak to a rav

I tried posting this once and it didnt work
dont know what happened
just wanted to say thanks
to showoff and yechida
for inspiring me to share with my wife
she was totally understanding
see my thread "been there done that... not really"
for the play by play
tizku Lmitzvos!
and it should be a zechus for you in your recovery!