I just dont feel it.  I keep falling.  third time this week.  My filter is off my computer and thats proving disasterous.  I had to take it off to use the internet, as it was blcking EVERYTHING.  It was really helping before even though I had acess to the password.  it was still harder to get on and would keep me off. now its too easy.  I think NO but act yes...I need a boast.  I dont even know if i can feel a spiritual baost being so low.  AHHHHHH. right before the yomim tovim too!!

I left my cables in the other truck...... ???


You know you really WANT to stop. Deep inside, where the YH can't reach. He's just trying to cover you with the mud of hopelessness and despair. But you can reach for that spark, it never goes out....

Get that filter back on, maybe with a little more relaxed settings for now. Better something than nothing, if nothing else it will buy you a little time to think before you act.

Get back in the truck........chug....chug...chug....VVRROOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!

Gevura!

I'm working on the comp now. It literAlly blocks all Internet unless I turn the filter off. Hopefully I can it and me back up and running.

as i see it, when you remove the p**N what fills the void?

Why don't you get webchaver as well?  This way when your filter is off you'll have someone looking over your shoulder.

IMNSHO, a spiritual boost will do nothing for you right now. Having a good filter and other measures in place (not spiritual, though they too) will be a huge boost to your struggles.
Webchaver, a fence of a promise to do something before acting out, telling yourself"not right now, in 5 minutes", all the other tips from the handbook, or just reading the handbook. You have to work at it, brother, you can't expect to giive yourself a kickpush and then just keep on keeping on.
But as far as it being  a daily struggle that sometimes you loose, I'll tell you my take on it.
My seventh-grader refuses to change out of his uniform when he comes from school, and this year I decided to put a stop to it. So the first day of school I set down the law, and each and every following day I ask, and beg, and threaten, and every which way remind the poor thing to change because his opposition to changing into regular closing is vehement. So it occured to me today that if my persistent effort bears fruit and on the LAST DAY of school the kid will change out of his uniform to obey my wishes, I will consider it a victory.
I do not stop him from coming to dinner, or take away his pillow, or make him jump up and down 100 times. I am persistent in my soft but strong insistance that he changes.. Whether he changes or not today, is no indication of my successfull parenting, I've come to beleive. It's the cumulative persistent effort that bears fruit.
So too, I and you and the rest of the goofballs around here, we need a consistent day-to-day routine to try and change. Whether we actually change or not, isn't really in our hands anyways.   

could you explain webchaver?
thanks for the advice.  I'm going to try my best, as Ive been.  Only Hashem can help for real though, I just need to make some room..

ur-a-jew wrote on 16 Sep 2011 04:31:

I found that filters didn't help that much.  They may have prevented me from seeing some things, but it became a game to try and find stuff it didn't/couldn't block.  My wife gets my Webchaver reports and that is sobering!

obormottel wrote on 16 Sep 2011 07:25:


Did you ever ask him why he refuses to change out of his uniform? If you had that information there may be a way to explain to him, why its important to you that he nonethesless not wear his uniform.
It may or not work.  But its kind of talking to a lust addict.  Before I can help him I have to at least try to put myself in his shoes.  See his addiction the way he sees it.  I'm not always succesful but when I am I feel provide more meaningful advice.
Hatzlacha

gibbor120 wrote on 16 Sep 2011 13:16:


I'm glad that it works for you.  But I'm throwing out to SandSBT that if your wife is not computer saavy, does not know about your addiction or it may harmfully impact your realtionship if she becomes your masgiach, there are others that you can have your report sent to.  For example, Rabbi Viener has agreed to check reports (and he does check them).  Hatzlacha

ur-a-jew wrote on 16 Sep 2011 14:51:

It was really a side point, but I guess I get carried away with a moshol. Yes, the reason is "he's not comfortable in anything other than uniform". Whateva.
The point I was trying to make is that lack of immediate result doesn't negate the effort, so keep on efforting...

I know that this is not a parenting forum, but persistently trying to convince your kids of anything is usually a great recipe for them to be even more stubborn and dig their heels in. To quote Dov "i know this from experience"

this is not something that you only work on in front of a computer its a full time job that we always have to work on. but you are on the right track that you now the yomim naroim are coming so get back up and start climbing:) hatzlocha

Since this isn't a parenting forum, let's try to relate this to lust addiction.
We can not fight it head on. Same with kids. Often, straight-forward demands will make them dig in their heels etc.
If you are firm and persistent, you will get your desired results. If you expect the results to manifest themselves right away, you don't know anything about either recovery or parenting.
When I tell my kids each time when they see a neighbour "say hello", "say hello" I can reasonably expect that some time in the future they will say hello without being prompted. Some kids will do it in a week and some in a year or two, and some never.
Same with turning away your eyes on the street or with not reaching for your zipper every time the compulsion arrises. It takes firm and consistent effort, and with G-d's help it will yield results - sometimes in a week, and sometimes in year. Let's hope that "never" is not a possibility.

on a side note I discussed this issue in therapy and am ready to challenge it with a new perspective and also work on the underlying causes.  I also fixed my filter BH so I should be strong for the next stretch.  G-d willing!
HAve a great Shabbos all!