Welcome to the forum. At first when I was doing P & M, I felt very guilty, but after a while the guilty feeling went away and I just did it. Now I have been doing the program the sensitivity to the issur come back.  But Hashem for sure  loves & cares about you. You just facing challenges in one particular area of halacha, but if you look back almost all of the Jewish leaders had problems in this area (Yehuda, Shimshon ,  Kings David & Solomon), so you should not give up, just as soon as you can join the program & you will be B'H on the way to the complete recovery. 

I was really taken by your question about whether Hashem loves us in spite of masturbating.

Many of the beautiful people on this site explained in many different ways that yes Hashem loves you. It's a given. It's something that cannot be taken away. It's not performance driven. It's unqualified and it's always there. So objectively, Hashem loves us.

But there is something that I am increasingly recognizing (and it's still very early for me to even talk about it). It's that not only does Hashem love us; but for us to truly grow in an authentic way, then we have to believe that Hashem loves us, accept it, and consistently affirm it. It's a necessary precondition to going forward. It's like the fundamental step. It's more important than kavanah, than learning Torah, doing mitzvahs etc. In fact, one could argue that all spiritual actions such as learning Torah and doing mitzvahs only have meaning if the doing of them is infused with the understanding that Hashem gave us his Torah as an act of love and Hashem gives us his mitzvahs to allow us to come close to him.

I am now understanding that this idea of Hashem as a father who loves me has been missing from my Judaism ever since I became frum. No wonder I have been so conflicted about it.

I instinctively feel that if I can rework this and strengthened this appreciation, then everything else that I need to do will just flow. For me it is the task of the moment.

join our family

fighting lust with brotherhood and simcha

[quote="confusedyid" link=topic=4494.msg119185#msg119185 date=1316129801]
dov wrote on 15 Sep 2011 21:54:


As much as we would love to assure you that marriage will cure all, it generally does not.  Halachiclly a woman can be prohibited to her husband for nearly two weeks out of each month. Add on top of that the times she's too tired or just not in the mood.  So now where does that leave you. The time to work on this issue is now. And may you zoche to do so easily and to find your zivug as well.
Welcome aboard and hatzlacha.

bardichev wrote on 16 Sep 2011 02:53:

I love it!  This should be our mission statement on the home page!  I can just see the commercials starring bards.

holistic wrote on 16 Sep 2011 01:48:

It's amazing to see how despite all different pulls that newbies get around here, there is this quite predictable projection of steps each one will take on the way to recovery (if he is so willing, of course).
It took me a couple of weeks after coming here to recognize exactly what holistic wrote above and then post about it in my own words.
And I see it all across the forum, how certain truths become self-evident to people after a short time of being around here. Again, one's own willingness pending.
I wanted to post this link on holistic's thread about punishment but it's just as relevant for our new friend.
It's an hour long class, so download it to your mp3 player and listen on your morning jog.
You will give me a virtual kiss after listening, I promise.
http://maayonyisroel.com/audio/The_Parsha_In_My_Life/KiSavo-ABoatloadOfBlessings.mp3

did we realise what hashem did for us, prior to doing any good deeds back to him?
1) brought us down gave us life, brains, eyes, mouth, nose ears, hands, feet, internal organs all fully working.
2) gave us food, clothing, health, education, freinds, freedom,  from day 1 up until today.
3) constantley saving us from predators, illneses, deseases, disasters, bodiely harm ch"v
4) all above and much more, despite the fact that we were babys then infants, then juniors, without doing any mitzvoss
5) and despite that as a godol we did so so so many sins, and he still keeps his flow of goods coming non-stop
6) does he have to do it? NO, does he do it? YES, do we have to do his will? YES, do we do his will? NO
7) we dont do mitzvos in order to keep hashems love for us, he loves us anyway, we have to do it as hakoraas hatov
8) we can NEVER pay back accordingley, mitzves vs hashems help, hashem only wants us to do whatever possible we can.

Wow. Thanks so much for sharing all that here and especially now.

obormottel wrote on 16 Sep 2011 06:49:

Thank you...U get your virtual kiss. That was very good. What struck me was how accepting he was of all Yidden and where they were at (Rashi's metaphor about everyone being on their own boat). You use whatever works on your journey knowing that Hashem is in the background, constantly guiding you to higher levels. This idea that it's not really all your fault...that Hashem, in a sense, put you there just increases the desire to focus on the NOW and do a proper Teshuva.

I read something recently of the Lubavitcher Rebbe on Parshas Ki Savo that really relates to this. He was talking about bringing ones bikkurim in a basket. He asked what is the purpose of making the basket part of the offering...isn't the main part (the first fruits) what's important?

The Rebbe answers that this just shows the importance of dedicating all of your life to Hashem...the fruit and the basket...the good stuff and the plain stuff...the Kodesh and the Chol...all of it. The important part is wanting to give of all of yourself! It is all worth giving...there is no part of us that Hashem does not want!

So it occurred to me that this also relates to one's aveiros. The fruit and IT'S basket. The Mitzvos AND the aveiros. The desire to do good AND the desire to do evil...it is all part of us.

Hashem put it there.

One can philosophize or learn why...but the important part is to give it to G-d. We are all imperfect...full of faults...but G-D wants us as we are and when we repeatedly give of ourselves as an offering to G-D then not only do we sanctify both of our Yeitzers but we come one step closer to relating to G-D in a genuine way and one step closer to feeling that G-d love us as we are.

I also wanted to say that feeling G-ds love and feeling the love and support of all of you are so close together...that sometimes one merges in to the other and I am not even sure what I am feeling. I am now in the process of changing shuls to try to find something that (even remotely) approaches the acceptance and warmth that you have come to manifest. I see this process as the crucial avodah for me right now. I need to be in an environment that inspires me to be more loving and caring myself.

thats a very inspiring view about the basket and the fruit
may hashem guide you to a good atmospheric shul, where you will blossom