I can't believe it! After 31 days I slipped up. I was doing so well. I read the chizukim every day, took party in the 90 day chart, and to a greater or lesser degree took part in the forums.

Motzei Shabbos I fought the urges for 31/2 hours, and then I just gave in.

On the 1 hand I am just so ashamed; on the other I don't know if I'll ever get over this. Your encouragement has been great but it doesn't change the reality of my situation and my nature. How do I know I'm just not fighting against something thats just unchangeable...a kind of useless struggle...tilting against windmills.

I am just so sorry

whats wrong with a slip?

who said you won't slip?

I slip?

everyone slips

most people do worse they fall

I fall

most people fall

even david hamelech fell

yes he did

it is open in tanach

and david hamelech talks very openly about it

look up tehilim perek 51

of course the gemara tells us

david sinned only to teach teshuvah to the individual

what i want u to realize

yiddishkite is not a all or nothing religion

there is no 3 strikes your ou rule

we all slip

we all mess up

we all pick ourselves up

and bounce back stronger and better than ever

i dont know your individual situation

but being mechallel shabbos is a act of throwing out the babay with the bathwater

hashem is a loving father not a scary monster trying to make our lives difficult

know that realize that

one day at a time

if u did 31 once u can do it again

no sweat

we all  need siyatta dishmaya

keep on trucking

One tip I've heard - you seem very down about the slip/fall. How does it feel? can you describe your shame, upset, low feelings? write it down on a paper for yourself in a clear detailed manner so next time you are in a struggle like you just had you can look back to see how you felt last time you gave in and after all it was not that good feeling the yh lets you remember.

for now take some positive steps to prevent future falls and move on. if you roll in the dirt you will stay dirty. get up clean off and move on with us.

Make sure you keep on posting.

-hm

holistic wrote on 11 Sep 2011 07:46:


holistic,

I've in a few places on GYE that, believe it or not, everything that happened in the past, even though at the time you had bechira, now you must look at it as Hashgacha-that's what Hashem wanted to happen. Our Bechira is only in the present. Don't look back. Live the present moment because right now, you have Bechira. Right now, Hashem is allowing you to choose. What happened before was Hashem's will!
This is not in your hands! Ask Hashem to not want you to fall again. Start again, ask Hashem everyday to give you "today".
Love,

KH

אנכי עמו בצרה but I have 10 days now. Move on move on  don't give in to this ugly disease.

Thank you very much for all of these comments and wise suggestions.

I won't give up.

I will take 1 day at a time.

But at the same time, I am no longer going to try to predict the future and whether I will or I won't beat this disease. I have no way of knowing...I can only take 1 day at a time and bank on the hope that Hashem would never give me more at a any one time than I could handle (although honestly I don't see how I would have been able to handle last night-but that is now in the past).

I have a question for bardichev (and actually all of you):

You say "hashem is a loving father not a scary monster trying to make our lives difficult"

Although I understand that Hashem is "not a scary monster", is he always a loving father? The punishment for many aveiros is quite severe and it says (I think in Kitzur) that this one is the worst sin possible to commit ( akin to murder!?!). Doesn't it say somewhere that the reason the punishment is not listed in Torah for spilling seed is because it is such an awful thing to do that there is no punishment that fits this "crime"

How am I to understand this and reconcile the loving nature of Hashem with  what the Torah (and the rabbi's) say? When I think of what it would take for me to actually murder someone, how am I supposed to deal with it when the Rabbi's (who supposedly represent the word of G-d on this earth) say that my submitting to a drive to do this is the same as submitting to a drive to kill a fellow Jew. If I do actually take it the way that Shulchan Aruch says it then how could I possibly live with myself even after doing it once (let alone hundreds of times).

Is this how my loving father wants me to understand this? I mean no disrespect. All of you are wonderful people. But I have to be able to understand and come to terms with this in a humanly possible way.

Also a question for Kiddush hashem:

If after a sin I am supposed to see it as the will of G-d that I have done it...then will I get punished for it or not? Doesn't this also get written down in the Book where all is remembered by Hashem and a judgement is passed. I understand that I don't have Bechira now for a sin that i already did in the past. But the fact that it was me that gave in and chose wrong is a fact that never changes. So how can I just ignore that and say it was "G-ds will" that I sinned? Again, no disrespect. But don't I have to come to terms with what I do and don't do. If I ultimately come to understand myself as severely flawed, always in need of help, and constantly on the verge of sinning, then fine. But it seems to "easy" to just let go of what I did and start anew as if I had no responsibility for it.

Again thank you for your help and I apologize for the "difficult" questions. But my commitment to myself at this point is to get these questions (and many more) answered. This would be preferable to putting myself into these (almost) impossible situations.

To put it bluntly it is very hard to either have self respect or respect for the Torah when the Torah calls you a murderer for spilling seed.

1) similarity to killing is just the severety of the sin, not that it compares to that in all the rest of the details
2) a sin when done at a time when you are in sain is not comparable to a shogeg, never mind to a full blown mayzid
3) looking backwards yes it was bashert, thats what the rambam says its one of the greatest mistery yedeoh vs bechiro
4) we need to look forward and avoid sinning for any price, even when we have these mind buggelling questions
5) derech pikudechu says that avodaas hashem with mesiraas nefesh is compared to misso to forgive these sinns
6) do you hashem do work with you the way YOU understand? or you trust him to do the way HE wants?

The question about bechira is one of the great mysteries of Hashem's world, one that He has not given us an intellect capable of fully understanding.

But to put it in simple terms, I see it as follows: We are given a choice, Hashem knows what we are going to choose, but we have no way of knowing that, so for us at that moment it is a free choice. But once the choice is made and becomes part of the past, we must believe that it was all part of Hashem's plan for us that we would make those choices, as He leads us on the path through our life to face the challenges that He created especially for each one of us.

I really need to internalize this concept for myself, as my own situation stems in many ways from bad choices that I made when I was younger. I am now coming to see that it is all His plan, that I should now be finally fulfilling what i now see as my mission in this world. If only i had seen this so much earlier......

As other people have already answered, it's not something we can comprehend. The reason I mentioned it is b/c I know it helps me when I have moments of weakness and I want to look back and be upset for what I did. I just tell myself that that's what Hashem wanted. I only have a choice right now. I don't understand and I don't care that I don't understand. It just helps.

Thanks Tried, great mekoros!

holistic wrote on 11 Sep 2011 07:46:


All this is important, but maybe you need even more.  Maybe you need to start working a recovery program, like the 12 steps.




You obviously have tremendous willpower.  But let's just redirect it.  Don't fight the urges.  This is what it means to admit powerlessness over lust.  You can't fight it directly.  In this battle, direct your energies toward davening on the spot to Hashem, pleading with him to take your lust.  Tell Him you are turning your life and your lust over to His care and ask him to heal you from this illness of lust.  "I don't want to lust, I only want You and a relationship with You and your Torah."  The earlier in the lust process you do this, the saner you will remain.  Early interception.  Early t'fila.  As often as it takes.

You're not trying to force yourself to change.  You're davening for recovery.  And once you are in recovery, you will begin to grow again, and change into the person you want to be.

In summary, don't fight, daven; don't change, recover.

It will happen.  Keep at it.  One day at a time.  Personally, I never counted.  I was just going to be sober for one day at a time.  Hopefully forever.

Alex

great verteh on this thread.

keep it up.

This is big chizuk at its best.

holistic wrote on 11 Sep 2011 07:46:


Have you read GYE in a nutshell? If what you've been trying until now is not enough, there are many more things you can try. There's no such thing as giving up. On GYE we know that there is a way out for EVERYONE who wants.