I once was a chizuk inspiration for someone for two years. Then one day he asked me if I could be the one he calls every time he falls. I agreed. This helped him. Later he asked me that since he has SSA (something he knows I had - and still work on myself to overcome) if he could "be" with me and it will help because his interest in mine will fade -as does any mystery once it is revealed.) I said ok, but knew in my heart that this time it was really my yetzer horah saying ok.

NewAvraham, I am with you 100%. I never actually did anything with someone else, but i was so many times in situations where it could have happened. It was only my extreme shyness that held me back from starting something, or even responding when it was obvious that the other guy was asking for it....

Those moments became my favorite fantasies. For years after i would relive them, and imagine what could have come next... :-[  I also fantasize about meeting them again and picking up where we left off  :-[ ...
It's a good thing that I have lost contact with most of them.

Now in recovery, i am dying to be able to share what I am going through with real people who have the same struggle. But I'm too scared of what could happen....I can't afford the risk right now. It's a shame, because loneliness and isolation is what gets us into this mess. Maybe down the road, when I am more secure in feeling able to control myself....

Meanwhile sharing here and on gchat will have to do...

Keep strong and KOMT!

Gevura!

I appreciate the fact that my forum could be a spot to help other people. I invite everybody and anybody to come on my forum and post their problems. I would love to help out anyone that wants advice.

Newavraham, I understand what you're feeling, even though I've never done anything with a guy. I understand how difficult it could to be so close to someone who would be so receptive to everything you do to them, and who could help you fulfill every fantasy of yours. I understand the desire to act out so much and how much pleasure can arise from this guilty action. As well, I'm no one to give advice. I have barely lasted 9 days (I don't plan on falling anytime soon, though). There are people that have lasted years.

But, IT"S JUST NOT WORTH IT! Know that. Internalize it. Remember it for the rest of your life. Keep reminders around yourself saying this plain and simple message. You've got to remember just what you are, and just what you want to do.

And if you'd like to plain, simple truths, know this: the torah commands that mishkav zachor is not only a Jewish commandment, rather a commandment for everybody to fulfill. Those goyim that try to justify their actions are morons and don't understand the severity of this action. Remember that you must distance yourself from any and every poisonous thought. Remember that people with this particular problem are usually the ones that are the harder cases. We can't talk to women because it's not right, and the only people we can talk to are of the type that we are attracted to at the moment. It is a very difficult dilemma. Know that you are definitely not alone and that any help you need, you know where to find it.

If anybody ever needs anything, they can just pm me here or email me at Helplessjewboy@gmail.com. I am usually very quick in answering emails, but not the quickest.

Hope this helps anybody and everybody who sees this,

JB

I wish I could speak to someone myself too. But i cant risk my reputation. I CAN speak to some of my old "friends", and though they would try to help me, they'd also fall if I had a weakness one day.

I am upset that the moderator took away half my story, I think people would realize that they could fight the yetzer horah if when IN the fire.

People like me, who dont feel ra'uy (fit) to give chizuk (like you said about yourself) give me - and im sure others like mee too, the most chizuk. Thanks for your story. Keep up your good work.

How would speaking with another frum person in recovery risk your reputation? They are as concerned with losing their reputation as you'd be? Anonymity is precious to those who are serious about recovery, in both directions.

We'll get there soon. Thanks.

Wow. Something really true was spoken on this forum.

Newavraham, it sounds like you don't need a friend, you need a rabbi.

For me, these past 10 days (it's been 10 days already??? Hashem thank you!!) have been very easy, and for a few main reasons. One, I have the Rabbi, who I spilled the beans to recently, living down the block from me, passing by me every so often and if I fall I know that I won't be able to look at him, and he knows it as well. It's kind of like being aware that Hashem is right there in the room and that the guilt would kill you (simulation of yirat shamayim much?).

I have found that having this Rabbi/friend/accountability partner see you every day and interact with you makes a huge difference.

Have someone like that, and you're guaranteed to succeed. It doesn't have to be someone close to you or anything, just someone who will commit to making sure you succeed. Someone who kind of doesn't have a life (just kidding!).

Anyway, I do want to mention a side, unrelated note: I will be going away for a few days with minimal internet access. If anybody needs to contact me for whatever reason, email me @ helplessjewboy@gmail.com. I will reply as soon as physically and emotionally possible.

I wish all the best for all your endeavors.

Beshem HASHEM na'aseh venatzliach.
Lev Tahor Bera Li Elokim, veruach nachon chadesh bekirbi.
Or zarua latzaddik ulyishrei lev simchah.
Esh tamid tukkad al hamizbeach, lo tichbeh.

We WILL get through this.

Newavraham, keep your head held up high, your hands above your waist, and your focus straight ahead: you CAN do this!

Good luck when you go away and keep strong your doing amazing

not actually doing so amazing on vacation. could really use some chizzuk here! really resorting too basest measures for some relief. not dying to masturbate, but dying to be with a guy.

JB

Hey sounds almost like me im dying to be with a girl we are all in this together i just said a perek of tehillim for you(pray like you mean it ,it is a very liberating feeling it helps Hashem helps).How long are you clean? ten days thats amazing how many times did you say no? do something that will make you feel holy like prey or go to a mikva even now and try to take it one day at a time you can be clean just for today. Thinking of you.
        Emunah18 hatzlachah and KEEP STRONG we are with you

It's been twelve days now, Baruch Hashem.

Unfortunately, it has been really easy to say no to down there, but not as easy as say no to chatting with the hot guys I found online. It's hard for me to say no to myself.

Any advice?

JB

Gut voch guys, i just said a kapitel tehillim for both of you (and for me too)

I'm clean a lot longer, but I too still have challenges and urges all the time. I'm learning how to push them away, but it's still strictly "one day at a time".

JB, don't you have a filter? Maybe you should just block the chat site.

And use those ideas your Rav gave you. Say the pesukim, over and over if necessary. BTW I have tried the "Aish Tomid" one a few times and it works for me too. The problem is when the trigger is in front of me and the urge is overwhelming, the eitzos kind of get forgotten....

Another posuk i have seen that is supposed to be helpful is to say "hakenaani vehaperizi vehayevusi etc." (i don't remember it exactly).

And maybe you can give your Rav a call and speak to him...

All the best, hang in there and Keep on Trucking!!!!

Gevura!

They're both definitely asleep.

Another problem is that it is all texting. I accidentally gave them my number once, and now they're dying to get in bed with me. Every day brings me a little closer to them.

JB

P.S. Thanks for the prayers.

If you really want to make a clean break from it, maybe you need to change your number. i know it will be a huge inconvenience. But if that's the only way to tear youself away from them, it's worth it.
And if your parents or friends question it (?) you can tell them you were being harassed or stalked or something....

meanwhile i guess just turn off your phone. And go to sleep

Hang in there, we are all rooting for you!

Gevura!

Uh-oh...suggestions coming. I hate doing this, cuz they always look really stupid to the listener....till about a year later:

Consider changing your phone number now. If that is intolerable, then that may mean that inappropriate sex really is tolerable to you. Hey, at least admit it if it is.

Consider working a first and second step in writing, with a sponsor on the phone. It will change everything. You may still have problems, but they will be framed entirely differently if you do it even close to the right way.

Consider calling a recovering person to establish a way to work on steps 1 and 2.

SA's White Book (beautifully) reads: In lust, we believed that "the only way to ever become free of it (the nagging lust) was to do it (act it out)!" Yet years ago, after giving my number to sex-workers and sluts many, many times, I learned that one of the things that happens when I pursue my fantasies is that I get more powerless, more bound to them, and more needy and entangled. I spend more time getting needy and entangled with G-d, now. But I had to get through some of the steps, to do that.  And I could not get anywhere with them on my own, though I tried for two years....nowhere except worse and worse.