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Why Dov Sometimes Uses Crass Language

GYE Corp. Sunday, 01 April 2012

Dov wrote once in one of his posts (which we quoted in a daily e-mail):

Saying that "I am lusting after those women because they are obviously begging for it cuz look at how they are dressed!" is BS. I am reasonably certain that the average slutty female out there intends to be lusted after by who they want to be lusted after, not by some compulsive, perverted Jew boy like me.

 

Rabbi M. wrote in to GYE as follows:

Rabbosai,

Dov’s dose is in need of a little clean-up.

I would suggest that “BS” is exchanged for “nonsense”.

It’s not ba’kavodig for such a worthy forum as yours to leave it there.

 

We passed this on to Dov, who wrote a letter back to this Rav as follows:

Dear Rabbi M.

You recently wrote in to the administrator of GYE suggesting loshon naki in reference to the use of initials for a somewhat vulgar term in one of my posts that the administrator published in a "Chizuk Email".

I want the Rov to know that your input was understood, but feel I need to explain why I maintain that the nusach and shprach are best left alone in the chizzuk emails, even if they are occasionally somewhat vulgar and seem inappropriate to your sensibilities.

Rav Dessler famously talked about nivul peh having the power to bring its user to arayos, presumably because bris elyon preserves and is k'neged bris tachton. In this note, I want to describe why I believe that honest and open truth-speaking will not harm us, but rather, maintain that is the best protection for bris tachton that people like me can have. I am not referring to people who do not have the problem of chronic, cyclical, destructive, and compulsive lust problems. I am also not speaking of wanton or frivolous nivul peh, mind you, but referring to the accurate - even coarse - expression of all the facts about the recovering addict, at all costs.

Please bear with me, I do not know how to be mekatzer and mean no disrespect with my arichus.

It must be faced that the Chizzk Emails are not really addressing an 'appropriate' oilem. Many of the people who want and need this message are b'nei yeshivah and Kolel men (more than a hundred of whom I know personally), Rebbis in Talmud Torahs and yeshivos, and Rabbonim - who are still using pornography compulsively on a regular or semi-regular basis. Many have other destructive sexual compulsions including masturbation, demeaning or demanding sexual behavior with their wives, and I have met many engaged in other such behaviors that run the gamut, R"l. It is where I was 15 years ago, so I know it very well. It is always a lonely, shameful and painful lifestyle.

We so much want to be so good. But we end up living a double life. We heard all the shmuessin through our teenage years, some read Yesod Yosef as the Kitzur suggests, all did this, or did that, spoke to rebbis and therapists who often gave us well-meaning but useless advice...still nowhere to turn but inside. Hak'sil choveik es yodav v'ochelil es besaro.

The common denominator between all these yiddin is that they are hiding their faces, which necessitates a lot of geneivas da'as. Really, it is living inside a binyan of geneivas da'as. This poisons more than the kedusha of that yid - it poisons the family, the job, the simchas hachayim, and the entire avodah is built on a faulty foundation. The fact that every now and then a scandal emerges and lives are ruined, is just a sad symptom of this hiding and lying - it is not the problem. In the minds of those suffering yiddin, the entire structure of shekker is 'a necessary evil' in order to prevent a chillul Hashem, of course. Usually they (we) truly believe that hiding all this from the wife is absolutely necessary - in order to preserve the "Shalom Bayis" we are pretending to have. It is a big and lonely life of lies. It is a full-time job.

But the real reason that these men (like me 15 years ago) hide their problem with all their power, is not to protect Shem Shomayim, the Torah community, nor their families - and not even to protect their own reputation! It is actually in order to protect our ability to keep getting away with it. Of course, we never see our motivation as such, because we truly consider ourselves to be 'quietly struggling giborim' who are unfortunately losing the 'milchomah gedolah' of the Chovos haLevavos. And we all wait, and wait, and wait, looking forward to the day that we will finally 'win' - whatever that means. We all think, "certainly I will not be 65 and still doing this!" A ta'uss for many, and their lives go by while innocent wives are living a lie without knowing it.


The answer to this problem is not more tzniyus. Neither is it more kedushah. For though the kedusha is certainly affected, kedushah is not really the issue, and never has been. And the misunderstood 'tzniyus' is actually part of their problem (for 'tzniyus' just means hiding the problem, to us in that losing struggle with insanity and lust obsession). Who has time to face the truth anyway - building and maintaining the binyan of shekker is really a 24hr a day job. I know this and so do all my fellows in recovery.

Focusing on increasing kedusha is nothing but obfuscating the true problem: frum people who have a porn and sex addiction are living liars. In that state, we are not even 'b'nei Derech Eretz', because we are fakers, through and through. The kil'ayim of our double life is the powerful 'greased shield' that the Mesilas Yeshorim refers to - a subtle leitzanus. A leitzanus of reality, of life, or relationships. The honesty in our relationship with our G-d actually becomes the last thing we need to work on - our honesty to ourselves and to our fellow men (and wives) is always our first order of business. As Rabban Yb"Zakkai blessed his talmidim before he was niftar: "halevai your honesty to Hashem (morah Shomayim) should come to match your concern of what people think of you (morah bosor v'dom)." And he was talking to tanno'im in training! This is why I say that talking of developing morah Shomayim to otherwise frum people with a pornography and masturbation problem, is just encouraging the lie that they really care as much of what the Borei Olam thinks of them. It comes from a lack of awareness on the part of the ba'al eitzoh that these fellows are too busy hiding from people to truly be concerned with what hashem thinks of them! The absolute and consistent honesty with other tangible, live people has got to come kodem kol for any honest hope of recovery from the sex and lust addiction lifestyle.

This problem, once entrenched, is not fixed by kedusha shmuessin and avodah temimoh, because a person who is even faking to himself cannot chap it. The proverbial fox is watching the hen-house. It's time for these men to step back and get Derech Eretz kodmoh l'Torah. And the humility it takes to do that is in itself a tremendous breakaway from the actual subtle gayvoh of considering ourselves "essentially OK, because after all, we are fort 'B'nei Torah!" And typically, when b'nei Torah go on the typical 'teshuvah derech' for what is essentially now more of a mental problem, we only deepen the lie under more layers of mitzvos and ma'asim tovim - much like yir'ovom tried to be a shakul in order to get away with doing so much evil. Gevalt. And their real life is veiter only going on inside their own heads! Yet more fantasy, this time in the romantic struggle that makes real life (their relationships with klal Yisroel, their wives and children) feel even less significant instead of the ikkar that is is. What about the first questions they ask us in Shomayim after 120?

The Derech Eretz is what is missing - the sanity. It is mamesh having the inner keys without having the outer keys, as Chaza"l say. It does not work and eventually implodes. The inner room (Torah) is not really in their possession, either. Because shekker is their best friend. My best friend in those days...

Honesty and openness are the most precious things to be koneh at this point for these people. It's really all they need. Shame will be their death - because their shame even before fellow sufferers And those cannot be achieved by klopping on the bimah at shul and announcing our problem in all it's details! It is inappropriate for the rest of the community - most of whom are normal, it is potentially destructive, and it is silly because normal people would not have a clue what to do for us, next!

Rather, it is only useful to get fully open and honest with other people who are suffering from the same problem - with other frum men who also know habitual masturbation, are dependent on sex with their wives, look at pornography compulsively or worse, and do other such things - but have found a way to live free of it.

But it must be done honestly and openly, without any tamtzis of shame - or else the old way of 'tzniyus' will creep back in. Kedusha and appropriateness is not our problem - it is hiding, lying, and faking. More Emess is the only answer and nothing else. Even if it means saying things that we are ashamed of and should not believe as good Jews - if it is the truth we need to say it, and we need to say it the way we think it. Cleansing the expression of the truth is not really 'keeping bris elyon' - it is sacrificing bris tachton for a chitzoniyus of a bris elyon, for it will not encourage the refuah. There is no sobriety in 'maintaining appropriateness and derech kavod'. And I have yet to meet a single addicted yid who got worse from being brutally and totally honest with other safe addicts like him.

If the Rav has any feedback I will be happy to read it, and I thank you for the opportunity, regardless, and I will be glad to share my phone # if you wish to clarify or discuss anything here with me that way.

All the best,

Dov

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