Chapter 43- Mastering Our Thoughts
One of the most misunderstood aspects of the battle against desire is the challenge of keeping our minds clear of inappropriate thoughts. The wrong approach is common and destructive. By learning the right way to control our thoughts, we can attain mastery in the battle against desire.
Before anything else, we must understand that having inappropriate desires and thoughts pop up in our heads is normal, no matter how weird or improper they are. We should not be frustrated. We have these impulses naturally and so does everyone else, even though we don’t see it. As it is, all people have random thoughts on a wide range of topics constantly, and they don’t mean anything. We shouldn’t give too much significance to our stray thoughts and desires either.
Our rabbis teach that we are not responsible for thoughts that we don’t consciously choose to think about. Such thoughts are not sins; they are challenges from the yetzer hara. Our job is to address these thoughts effectively when we notice them instead of continuing to think about them.
These thoughts don’t show anything bad about us. It’s just the opposite: they are our opportunity to reach great heights! Because they can occur frequently, it gives us the chance to achieve countless victories. This challenge is a huge gift.
Properly addressing our thoughts and impulses when they start is important for another reason. One of the yetzer hara’s favorite strategies is to keep repeating his sales pitch for desire. He makes us feel one surge after another of how much we want the desirable activity. Sometimes, even small stray thoughts that seem crazy — thoughts that don’t cause us to experience real desire — add up and ignite into something real. But if we get worked up about them, it just makes things worse. We need to address these thoughts, but we must do so effectively.
Our rabbis teach that getting frustrated with ourselves for having these thoughts is ineffective and damaging. Angrily demanding, “Don’t think about that!” or “I shouldn’t be having these thoughts!” makes them stronger. This attitude also hurts us by making us feel weird or bad, which saps our strength. Rather, the secret to dealing with stray thoughts and most budding desires is to think about something else without getting worked up. These thoughts shouldn’t bother us, because they come from the yetzer hara. They are not our fault and we have no reason to be dissatisfied with ourselves for having them.
The Shulchan Aruch (Even Ha’ezer 23:3) rules that when inappropriate thoughts pop into our minds, we should change the topic by thinking about Torah. But if we can’t or don’t want to, we should think about activities we enjoy or topics we like talking about. Most important, we must not become upset with ourselves. The more agitated we become, the more these desires affect us, and the worse we do.