Mike and Gail were married and lived in a vibrant observant community. They both came from traditional Orthodox families. Their goals were to build a Jewish home which reflected classic Torah ideals.
But just a few short years after they were married, Gail realized that Mike was viewing improper websites. Instinctively, she felt revolted and upset by this, and their relationship became strained. The couple decided to go for counseling, but Mike was not receptive to the advice offered by the counselor. Making matters even worse, Mike eventually stopped going to shul in the mornings. He showed little interest in maintaining the sanctity of their home or in strengthening their children's Torah education. Their family structure became completely unraveled.
It was painfully clear to Gail that she and her husband were no longer compatible. She did not want his influence in the house for her own sake as well as for the sake of their children. Not long after, Mike and Gail ended their marriage.
This true account (names changed) demonstrates how far "the eye" can lead a person from Torah values. The Talmud teaches that a person is led on the path that he truly wishes to go. If a person desires good, he will be inspired to do good. If he desires base things, he will be motivated towards unfavorable behavior. In Mike's case, his desire to look at improper images intensified until it became an obsession that eventually overwhelmed him.
Initially, he rationalized that his interest in the websites was "normal." He had no idea how viewing these sites weakened his soul, how little by little his inborn kedushah gave way, and tumah filled the vacuum. For quite a while, he was able to fake being a committed, observant Jew. Eventually, though, his emunah was affected and he became lax in observance. Subconsciously, he was still trying to rationalize his behavior, and he became inwardly cynical about Judaism. At this point, it became to clear to Gail what was happening, but she felt helpless. Still in denial, Mike rebuffed her efforts to discuss his problem. It wasn't until she insisted on a divorce, that he realized that his life was in shambles.
In the last section, we brought the story of Mike and Gail, and how Mike's addiction led to Gail insisting on a divorce.
Had Mike known from the start that his desire would destroy his marriage, he would have reined it in immediately.
To put it simply, Mike couldn't trust himself alone with a computer, so he should have seen to it that the opportunity wouldn't arise. He should have regarded privacy at his computer as tantamount to yichud [being alone] with a woman.
You may believe that you are not a person likely to fall into such a trap, but consider
Rabbi Yisrael Salanter's insightful words on the subject:
Each person has certain blind spots in his personality. For instance, a spendthrift will waste money on items which are completely unnecessary. A compulsive eater will eat everything that looks good despite the effect on his health. (Ohr Yisrael, Letter Four)
Imagine a judge who is a great legal scholar but has little understanding of the deceptive tactics that people use to manipulate others. If a defendant lies in court, this judge might not be able to see through it. But if the judge has "street-smarts" as well as knowledge of the law, he will recognize the deceptions of the defendant and render a just ruling.
Just as the judge who is unfamiliar with deception is unable to recognize it, so too, we don't see how vulnerable we are to visual stimulation unless we've been sensitized to realize its effect. Fact: When a man looks at a woman, his desire becomes ignited.Chazal expressed this truth thousands of years ago, and it is still just as true today: "The eye sees and then the heart desires."
If you think you are above being overwhelmed by desire, think again. Bad habits form slowly. Only alertness - and the knowledge that inevitably "private" flaws will be revealed - can give you the ability to intercept them.
Today: Put the story of Mike and Gail into your mental arsenal to serve as an effective deterrent to viewing improper sights.
In the last two sections, we discussed the story of Mike and Gail, and how Mike's addiction led to Gail insisting on a divorce.
Yesterday I found out about Mike and Gail's divorce. Mike was a good friend of mine, but I never knew what was happening, until it was over. At first, they made it sound like it was due to some sort of incompatibility, but the real story went around our circle pretty fast. Secrets melt in the glare of a divorce.
At first, I didn't believe it. Mike and I were raised in the same kind of home and we went to the same yeshivah. In fact, I always admired him. He was a good student and spent a couple of years learning Torah before going into business. It turns out that his bad habit started slowly, and only Gail knew about it.
You'd think he would have been smart enough to see this coming. What I don't understand is why he continued, even after his family life started to fall apart.
I thought a lot about how their whole family is suffering. What can I take out of this? I guess that most of us don't see ourselves too clearly. Even though it seems like a bizarre possibility - if it can happen to him, it could happen to me.
I can't forget about poor Mike! He's lost so much. I hope he can still clean up his act and get on with his life.
These e-mails are excerpts taken from the book "Windows of the Soul" by Rabbi Zvi Miller of the Salant Foundation.