The Edge of the Cliff
Someone posted on the forum today:
I just pulled myself back from the edge of the cliff again, for the second time this week.
I usually fall on Sundays. However, in honor of R"H, I didn't fall Sunday.
I didn't fall Monday.
I didn't fall Tuesday.
But I've been unable to stop myself from surfing on the internet, not p*rn, but photos that stir the coals.
I say to myself, "only for today, don't fall!". But, as you all know, it's very, very hard.
I tell myself, "this time I'll make it through, for the sake of R"H and the aseret yamei teshuva".
I don't know how many days it is since I last fell, because I stopped keeping track (it put too much pressure on me), but I estimate about 15 days.
I want so badly to last and stay clean at least until Y"K.
Can I do it?
I don't know.
Writing it out helps, but chizuk from my friends will help more.
I have to add, this is so crazy. When I was on the edge of the cliff, literally looking down and about to jump off (figuratively of course), I heard Guard's voice (not his real voice which is a secret, but a G-d like voice, kind of like in the movie the 10 commandments but without the echo, quoting Guard) telling me:
"Say to yourself that you will not do it no matter what! Your tuches won't fall off!"
I felt like a lunatic, I was having a conversation back and forth in my mind.
"Just do it, you'll feel better",
"No! I will feel so badly afterward and get depressed. It's almost R"H."
and back and forth...
until I just said "No", and walked away from the cliff.
Yes, I admit. That voice was me. I have secret ways of communicating with people I really love :-)
(One second, did you say there was no echo? Well, then it must have been someone else 'cuz mine goes with an echo).
Look Tzadik, you did great, but the thing with us addicts is, that once we take that "first drink" the game is basically over. So how about this? Let's take it one step at a time. Can you make yourself a red line for one month not to browse anything inappropriate on the web?
I mean, how you do manage to stop yourself sometimes at the edge of the cliff is beyond amazing. But that's NOT the way to go; it won't - and can't last for the long term.
The only way to really succeed is not to take that first drink. To quote something that Dov wrote recently which can bring out this idea much better than I can.
If you stay far from the edge of the cliff and a hole opens up in the ground underneath you and you suddenly fall, well - at least you didn't bring it about by walking at the edge.
So can you make a commitment now before Rosh hashana, for one month, that you won't browse inappropriate stuff? For the sake of all of us here, your brothers and sisters on GYE... (We'll throw a party for you if you do!)
It will be hard for me to do, since that's my drug when I'm feeling irritable, but I know it's not good for me. Of course you're right that walking at the edge of the cliff is an impossible situation.
It's time for me to grow up, and there is no better time than 3 days before R"H.
So bli neder, I take upon myself not to browse to inappropriate sites on the web for one month.
I think that with the support of my GYE friends I can do it.
May HaShem help me.
PARTY TIME EVERYONE!!
I uploaded a most beautiful song in honor of your commitment
Download it here
The Pesuk, "Gol Al Hashem Darkecha, Bitach Alav Ve'hu Yaa'seh - Throw your ways onto Hashem; trust in Him and He will do", this is truly the 3rd step of the 12-Steps. "Let Go and Let G-d" in the holy words of David Hamelech.
Hashem will do it for you; He is already doing it. Just watch the miracle unfold!
P.S. It takes a few times to truly appreciate the beauty of this song... Play it again and again. I must have listened to this song 50 times! I sing along with it now, with tears in my eyes. Listen to it when you feel weak. Truly let the words enter your heart!