Saturday, 25 February 2012

New Life Sprouts Forth

by Uri (See all authors)

We all love reading Uri's posts on the forum. Not only do they make a great read, but they are written passionately and from the heart. Somehow, Uri's posts talk to everyone's Neshamos. I think it is appropriate to bring two of his beautiful posts now before Rosh Hashana, as they show the power of Teshuva and of the Jewish soul, and of Hashem's great love for us.

As many of us know, Uri had a very difficult week last week. It could only be called "Hitting Rock Bottom". But somehow, it seems that when things just can't get any worse and we think we're gonna die, new life sprouts forth. As the Pasuk says - "Zos Hatorah, Adam ki Yamus Ba'Ohel - This is the Torah, a man who dies in the tent". And - lehavdil - the White-Book of SA says: "We must die to ourselves before we can begin to live".

 

Here are two recent posts from Uri:

I've spent the last two nights drifting in and out of consciousness with high fever.
I had quite crazy dreams, images flying by in my mind, one after another...
Somehow I found myself in the old city...
A friend was standing next to me saying:
"Just daven with your heart, man"
And I opened the siddur and started crying.
What followed next is pretty hard to describe, but I will to attempt to, regardless...
As I stood there crying, lost in the words of the first few brachos of the Amidah, all of a sudden I felt a wave of the most beautiful pleasure pass over me.
It was as beautiful a pleasure as any person could possibly imagine.
And I continued davening.....
And the feeling stayed just as strong (maybe even getting stronger).
And I woke up.

At that moment it was so clear what is happening to me...
I am stripping myself completely.
I am shedding all the layers of "false protection",
all the coats of filth and fantasy,
and the all too powerful blanket of lust that I hid under all these years.
Now I am empty.
And I cry.
And only now, precisely now, can G-d fill every part of me.

Last night He gave me a taste of what a relationship with Him can be.
And I davened today for the first time in a week.
And I said half of tehillim.
And I spoke to Hashem every time I woke up last night (after I had that dream), feverish and chilly, just to smile at Him and say "Thank you"
And I'm gonna start sleeping with a Tehillim clutched to my heart, (I did today during my nap already).

I'm starting to see the pieces of the puzzle fitting together.
Sometimes one has to become empty to experience true fullness.

 

I had an insight yesterday when davening Mincha that I'd like to share:

I was having trouble concentrating (the story of my life)
But I didn't beat myself up as I usually do.
My relationship with Hashem is changing
It is now so very clear to me that He doesn't love me for who I'll be in 10 years, 5 years, or even in a month.
What kind of love would that be?
He loves me for who I am now.
Me, with all my chesronos; lust addict, rebellious, lazy, etc... (I could go on all day).
He doesn't expect me to daven all of shmone esrei with crazy kavanah!!!!
'cuz I'm not there yet!!!!!
That would be someone else's tefilla!
And He wants mine!
Mine - with my "space in - space out - space in - space out"....
Mine - with my eyes drifting every once in a bit while I run to catch them...
Me - with my laziness...
etc...

If I was perfect....
I wouldn't be me
And He wants me!!!!

Do you guys hear what I'm saying??!!!!!
This idea is earth-shattering!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On Rosh Hashana we don't tell Hashem, "ok, this year I'm gonna be perfect".
He doesn't need to hear that!!!!
He wants us to say, "ok Hashem, this is where I'm holding. And since I love You so so very much, I am gonna do my best with what I've got to give You".

How simple and beautiful is this idea?!
Hashem! I love you so much!!!!!

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