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Losing Ten Tribes or Gaining Two?

GYE Corp. Wednesday, 22 February 2012

I didn't want to get into my work today (Sundays are always hard to get back to work), so I surfed around. I wanted to surf lightly, not anything too arousing because I didn't want to fall this week. But of course, one thing led to another, and next thing I know, I'm surfing and getting aroused. Then I went to the bathroom. But right before the "moment", I stopped myself. I said, "I'm not doing this a few days before Rosh HaShana!" And, I thought of the forum and of my GYE friends.

The Y"H told me, "just finish the job, you practically did it anyway!", but then I remembered the Chazal that Yosef actually released a few drops (when he was tested with Potifar's wife), and as a result, he had only had 2 tribes come from him instead of 12. He lost 10 tribes! But had he gone "all the way", he would have lost being a tribe completely. And by stopping himself from falling farther, he achieved tremendous things. So, even thought I lost a lot, I hope that I gained something by stopping myself.

I also remembered the Chazal that complete teshuva is when we are in a situation with the same desire and we don't do it. I certainly felt that I was on the edge of the cliff and pulled myself back.

Of course, I should have never surfed where I shouldn't, and going to the bathroom afterwards was also a mistake. But after saying "Yes" to the Y"H a few times, at least I said "No" once at the end.