Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Daily Dose of Laughter

by GYE (See all authors)

Ki Be'Simcha Taitzai'u!

For with Simcha you shall go out (of your struggles)!

Print out jokes from close to 50 pages of our "Depressed Person's Chill Spot" to read over at your Purim Se'udah and get everybody ROLLING!

Messages heard on people's answering machines

1. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

4. Hi. Now you say something.

5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

7. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

8. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

9. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.

10. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

11. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

 

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

 

Some Good Quotes

"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!" - Homer J. Simpson

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the heck she is."

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."

"If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way."

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." - A. Whitney Brown

"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway".

"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?"