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Recording of my pain

By Nat G.

obormottel Friday, 02 June 2017

I always wished I could save that horrible, sickening feeling of shame and regret after the aveirah in a container, and then I could open it the next time I am thinking about acting out, and it would remind me and wake me up like a cold shower and surely prevent me from doing the aveirah.

So recently I was going through a tremendous Aliyah, since Purim when I bawled my eyes out to HaShem to help me fight my yetzer hora and I have been flying high the past 2 weeks... until 48 hours ago when the yetzer hora suddenly got the better of me and caught me off guard, and I came plummeting down from my Aliyah, and bang! I hit the ground hard...

I felt sick and full of regret the second after and, bH, I remembered my wish. I quickly grabbed my iPhone, went to voice memos, pressed record and started to record my feelings of that moment. I started crying and begged myself: "Nat, what have you done??!! Oy Nat, see how stupid you feel! Was it even worth it?! The 5 seconds of excitement for the sick feeling you have now?? Was it really worth it??? Why would you do this to yourself?? Just think for a second!!! Stop!!! Go take a cold shower! Daven to HaShem right this second to help you! Say tikkun Haklali ... read some GYE stories of chizuk ... but do NOT do what you're about to do! DON'T!!!

"I feel so sick and depressed right now, so trapped and sad, full of regret! I promise, that's not what you want to feel, so WAKE up and STOP and you will thank me tomorrow morning!"

Then I stopped the recording and saved it as "DON'T LET THE YETZER HORA WIN!"

Now, when I was about to act out again this morning, I was able to play my voice memo and hearing myself with all these sickening feelings of regret, I was able to awaken myself and it prevented me from doing the aveirah!

I don't know how long this will work, but for now it's golden and thought I should share it with you.

You could record yourself or even a rebbi or someone you are afraid/embarrassed of and then play it whenever you need to give yourself a quick reminder/mussar.