Husband is addicted
A women wrote us:
I am writing to you for some advice and I hope you can help me. Some background first:
My husband and I have been married for almost three years. We have one baby. A little more than a year ago, out of the blue, I decided to check website reports that the filter we have installed issues daily. Unfortunately I didn't like what I saw. (understatement) Seems like my husband was quiet addicted to looking at inappropriate sites and videos that he shouldn't have. Not sure if I did the right thing or not, but I confronted him and he admitted that it was him. His excuses were that he was home for few hours every day himself ( he was looking for a job at that point) and then he also sort of blamed me. I was in the beginning of pregnancy at that point and was so nauseous that I was not good company for him then. But he said he was glad I know cuz he definitely wanted to stop and promised if he does it again he will go for help. We changed the password to the filter so that only I had access and he was only online when I was home. Then he started working from home a bit so he had internet access but I didn't see anything that threw me off for the next few months. Six months ago he finally got a regular 9-5 job. He was there for the next four months or so until he was given the pink slip. His boss told him it was cuz he couldn't afford it but as soon as my husband left he started looking for someone new. He's been home for about 4-5 weeks now.
Now here's my issue:
Two weeks ago my husband called me into work and said please don't check the reports today I was on some sites but for a few minutes and I promise not to do again.
I came home and changed filter setting to white list only so he only had access to three websites he needed ( he does some commission based work at home now). Last week he called to say he needs me to change filter setting back and gave me a legit reason. I changed it but forgot to switch back then.
Yesterday I went to check the reports and was HORRIFIED to see he was on inappropriate sites every day. I asked him about it today and he is totally denying it. I said I need explanation and he says he has no clue. All he is saying is that he is finding it very weird but he PROMISES it wasn't him. There is no one else that has access to our computer.
I think our sholom bayis is not great as is but this definitely tops it off. I am very unsure of where to go from here.
By now I'm feeling very insecure and also I'm starting to wonder if this is somehow related to the reason he lost his job.
Desperately waiting for an answer….
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
Unfortunately, many people become addicted to inappropriate materials. Some have been helped by the support at www.guardureyes.com, but understandably only if they really want help.
There are some therapists who can help. Where do you live?
The Woman Forwards Rabbi Twerski’s Response to us, and we respond as follows:
Hi. I see that Rabbi Twerski suggested our network for your husband.
I sympathize with your plight. Your husband is afraid. Denial is typical with addictions.
Please print out for him our handbook on breaking free of lust addiction. You can download it here. It outlines 18 tools, in progressive order, on beating this addiction. He will learn there that he can find freedom from this, but he must WANT to.
You should try to get your husband into therapy (see our therapist page here) and/or get him involved with the GYE community – particularly the forum (here) where he will get tons of support and see that he is not alone. You can sign him up for the daily Chizuk e-mails on this page where he will learn new tips, tricks, attitude and advice every day.
For "Frequently Asked Questions" by women about their husbands addiction, please see the second half of this page.
Please see this page of our FAQ as well.
Read this letter, written by a wife of an addict
Read also this letter by someone on our forum, to the wives of addicts.
See also this thread on our forum, for some interesting perspective.
You can call Elya on our hotline here. Him and his wife have saved many marriages and worked with both sides.
For an entire page of advice and guidance from Rabbi Twerski, see here.
May Hashem be with you!