Do I really want to begin again?
Hi, I've been a hardcore addict for as long as I remember myself. I'm technically still married but in divorce proceedings. B"h, I have 3 beautiful boys whom I love dearly. My journey into recovery started in 2015 when my wife got serious about divorce. I always knew I had a problem but could never face it. I checked myself into a rehab in Israel (Retorno) but I knew that it was too late for my marriage. After being there for 3 months, I came back home for about a year and then moved out because my wife was determined to go through with the divorce.
I have come to the following conclusion: My sickness is a daily struggle, all day long. Yes, it gets easier with time but I have to be on guard all the time. I'm, B"H, free of masturbation and porn for the past 9 months, which is the longest time ever in my life. I'm going to meetings and I'm working the Steps (I admit that Step 4 is something I am struggling with, but with Hashem's help I'll get through that, too). The most important thing for me in staying sober is the filter on my smartphone. If I don't use one, I'm lost. Maybe not on the same day, but the moment of truth will come.
Today, I had payment issues with the filter company and for just a few hours I didn't have a working filter on my phone. Trust me, I was about to view forbidden pictures and fall all the way but with Hashem's mercy, I was able to stop before anything happened. What helped me were these thoughts: "Do I really want to begin again? I'm in a good place now. It's so not worth it. It gives me pleasure for 10 seconds and then depression for days. IT'S NOT WORTH IT!" And so I got up and went to shul and Heaven even had a minyan prepared for me.
GYE is super essential to my life. The chizuk emails and Whatsapp messages remind me daily what I need to do and what my life is all about. It makes life much easier. Thank you GYE!!!