The Two Trips
Recently, I took my first business trip in a long time. A chance to choreograph a "Big Fall". Partly to "get it out of my system" (as I rationalized it) and perhaps partly a test if Hashem really wanted me saved from shmutz. Would He rescue me with His own Hand?
And sure enough, He did. Every single plan began to fall apart, through seemingly natural "coincidences" that left me knowing I could and should cancel the last remaining chance for it to work out. I felt His involvement very clearly, and knew He was guiding me. So, I was able to kill the last steps in my plans, WITHOUT REGRETS. Wow.
Last week, I went on another trip. Somehow, I went back to making plans for a Big Fall. I waited for Him to swoop down and change the scene, but He didn't. So I continued ahead, telling myself that one Fall might actually make things better in the long run. The plan "clicked" into place, and soon I was in the middle of [whatever it was.] And suddenly I found myself thinking, "I don't really need this; it won't get me anywhere; I could just walk away." AND I DID. I'll skip the triggering details, but walking away right then was 1000% miraculous.
This second trip showed me something even more amazing than the first. Namely, that He gave ME the strength to walk away. Not to daven that HE do it, but to walk away completely on my own. He actually took His own divine strength and gave it over to me to use. As a gift, chinam. I cried tears of joy.
You see, before GYE, I would have taken credit for MY OWN incredible power, perhaps with His "help." My own work, not HIS. Now, I'm seeing not MY strength but HIS... that He handed me as a (reliable) GIFT. No need to daven that an external force swoop down to give me momentary strength -- HE has planted it right inside ME and it's there WHENEVER I call. HaMelech ya'anenu b'yom kareynu.