The Screen is Lifting
I noticed a while ago that I suffer from an undercurrent of tension that often led me to act out. But thanks to the insights I got through this forum, and especially thanks to Duvid Chaim's group, I think a lot of this tension is gone. The fears and resentments that caused them are much less.
And, I had a great talk with one of the guys from Duvid Chaim's group. We confronted one of my biggest fears -- my feeling of hopelessness in finding a parnasa. He gave me a whole new attitude; something I can work with and feel good about, no matter what. So, this helped a lot too.
So lately I've been walking down the street, feeling the urge to look at the women on the street. Then I was thinking, "I don't need this - I'm content with life." It's like, if you don't have a headache, why take pain killers?
It's a big realization. It's not that my whole life has been transformed - but this realization comes along a couple of times here and there throughout the day. It's definitely a good start.
That undercurrent of tension is turning into an undercurrent of contentment.
Regarding "control." I had a talk with my wife about something. I realized that there's another type of control - trying to control THE PAST! In short, we made a big mistake with something, and it's been eating us up. BUT, it's in the past! WE MADE A MISTAKE. Just accept it and move on. Just make the most out of things today.
It may take us a while to fully integrate this, but it's an important realization.
A catalyst for some of these realization was a shiur I was listening to by Rav Moshe Aharon Stern. He was talking about how a lot of problems come because we don't have satisfaction in our life - from our davening and from our learning, for example. During shacharis I was thinking, here I am in the middle of tachanun, which is supposed to be a really powerful prayer, and I'm just rattling off the words. WHY DON'T I PUT SOME FEELING INTO IT! This is something I can choose to do! So I tried it. Again, this is another one of those awareness's that come and go, and go more than it comes, but it's a new thing I can start working on.
And, it has further applications. The other morning I had something quick to do on the computer for work. I could have gone back and forth to the computer during breakfast and finished it. BUT, I wouldn't be fully present with my wife for breakfast-- not physically, mentally, or emotionally. SO I decided that I WANTED TO PUT MY HEART INTO WHAT I WAS DOING; time with my wife. I left the computer work for later on in the day.
I'm feeling like there's been this screen between myself and others, even though I'm in the same room. Through GYE and Duvid Chaim's calls, I feel like this screen is lifting. Somehow, everything seems more vivid. People and LIFE seems more real.
Click here for more information on Duvid Chaim's phone conference.