Sunday, 30 October 2016

My Wife is a Mirror

By Charlie

by GYE Member (See all authors)

When I first joined GYE, I was clean for 90 days. I was thrilled...

Then I got complacent. I kept reading the material, which eventually fizzled out, and then the chizuk emails began to seem unnecessary for "someone like me." So I canceled the emails with the excuse "what if someone would find that I was getting Shmiras Einayim chizuk? That would really be embarrassing!" I felt protected against falling as if images or interactions could not affect me.

Unfortunately, it took only about 4 days for those defenses to collapse. I fell back into the addiction, and my days filled again with hours and days of obsession, masturbation, seeking pleasures outside of marriage, a destruction of Shalom Bayis, and a sensation of retracting into myself and, again, standing behind a glass screen observing life.

I cried in davening after my wife attacked me for being cold, cut-off, distant, not caring about her feelings, not engaging with her... She called me every profane word imaginable - and she is a FRUM girl. Of course, Hashem put those words in her mouth. I was totally immersed in scheming to act out! I had no space for her, nor for my children. All I had space for was escaping from reality. After a 40 day hiatus, I reconnected with GYE and restarted the 90 days. I am now at day 13, and I see my wife smiling at me again. It's amazing; her view of me is the ultimate litmus test as to if I am being "human" or if I am living in a world of fantasy. My wife reflects me now.

Today, I am clean and I am TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for myself. And now, she reflects love and warmth. She is not schizophrenic - she is Hashem's "measuring stick": behave correctly and you will have a loving wife or the reverse.

Hashem should give me strength to never forget that EVERY DAY IS A NEW DAY AND EVERY DAY I CAN FALL BACK TO THE VERY BEGINING. I CAN NOT RELY ON MY MERITS OR SUCCESSES OF YESTERDAY. Hashem, I never want to leave you again!