When I first stumbled on the GuardYourEyes website, I was really hating myself and where my addiction was leading me to. I was very aware that I was addicted to lust, and it was even more plain to me at that time because I was already abstaining from sugar, wheat, flour and volume. I was working the 12-steps, but this addiction to lust was bothering me very much. It was another "escape method" for me.
I was not in a good place. I had no job, I had too much time on my hands to think and feel. And like most addicts, I do not like to feel, and since I was not able to bury my feelings with the food, I buried them with lust. I would sit for hours and hours wasting my time on the computer watching movies. At first it was family movies, "innocent" time wasters, and then it moved to more "adult" material, and then on to the absolutely worst filth. I will not get into too much detail because most of you know how it feels like being in the disease and in the clutches of the Yetzer Harah... In short, my mind was constantly on what I had watched and how I can get to see more. It was starting to feel like I am back in the food, just this time with lust! It was horrible.
And that is when I found this wonderful website, and since then I have been pulled from the mud and am a "free bird", so to speak. The best part of it all, is that I can live with myself without the horrible guilty feelings that always plagued me because I was not "there" for my family, or because I felt like an empty shell, and because I was not accomplishing what I could accomplish.
Isolation is something like poison for me, because I do all my addictions in secret, away from others. I learned that when I share with others like me, it is one of the best tools to keep my disease at bay.
I have heard from others in this program, that they never thought they would be grateful that they are addicts, but now they are grateful. I am also grateful that I am an addict (it is not easy for me to say this, because being in recovery is work!) but I know that for the tikkun of my neshama and to be closer to Hashem, I needed to be an addict and learn the "medicine" for it, in order to become a better person and get closer to Hashem.
So many wonderful things have happened to me since I started with GuardYourEyes. As you know, I am working the 12-Steps since I started at OA almost two years ago, but I seem to have profoundly changed since I started my lust abstinence, and I am sure that it is no coincidence. I feel like Hashem has put me in a different "container" or "category" so to speak, by showering my life with blessings. Here are a few recent blessings:
And this is just the tip of the iceberg. I have had several other changes that have happened during this time that were all very positive. I feel like Hashem is showering me with love. Can it be from working my program and staying abstinent? I feel deep down that "yes".
I love this program, and I hope and pray that I will be zoche to be abstinent - one day at a time - for the rest of my life.
If anyone hasn't begun their 90 day journey yet (based on scientific studies that show it takes 90 days to break an addictive behavior in the mind), today's a great day to start! Click here to sign up for the 90 day chart.
And we also see from Miri's story how powerful the 12-Step program is. GuardYourEyes offers multiple anonymous 12-Step phone conferences, where you can learn how to work the 12-Steps into your life along with experienced frum sponsors. Go to www.guardyoureyes.org and on the title-bar at the top of the page click on "Tools > Phone Conferences" to learn more about the various options we offer throughout the week.
We also encourage everyone to read through Miri's 12-Page thread on the "Woman's forum". She is a very inspiring person, and there is so much we can all learn from her!
We bless Miri that Hashem should always continue to hold her hand, and she should feel it every moment for the rest of her life!