Loosening its hold on me
Chevra, as I approach the end of day 14 Iy"h, I look back at the last 2 weeks and smile. Ok, now I am crying (slightly embarrassing, as my little sister is standing near me watching me). I am starting to breathe fresh air again. My emotions aren't all soiled. I'm starting to feel truly relaxed and content for the first time in what seems like forever. I know it sounds like I'm overdoing it, but I'm starting to feel the disease loosening its hold on me. Maybe I'm imagining this, but I feel that I'm starting to break the addiction, and I feel very free. I am now starting to imagine a life with no pressure for lust, a life in "the here and now", not in fantasy; a life without constant fear, a life without constant shame.
I'm like a blind person who can't see fully yet, but is introduced to the idea of sight for the first time. In only 2 weeks! Imagine 90 days! Imagine a year! Thank you Hashem for giving me the opportunity I never thought I would have and for making it so much more geshmak than I dreamt it would be. May You give me the strength to not just hold back from having a peek, but to have the full thing - the gift called LIFE. Tisha be'av was a time of reflection for me. The past 2 weeks of sobriety feel like the first 2 weeks of my life.
With a heart overflowing with love.