I Was Living in a Box
I can't believe it has been one month. It seems like yesterday that I installed a filter and turned away from that world.
A big thanks to everybody in this community, you have helped me in such a big way.
My world used to be a rollercoaster ride. GYE has changed that by giving me the skills and the support that have enabled me to go clean.
My Y'H' is trying a new tactic, to convince me that I am "cured", and tried to tell me it wasn't so bad, but I must not forget that I used to abuse myself daily, that I used to push people away that stole my alone time. I was living inside a box. I was destroying myself.
I still battle with images inside my head and with some fantasies, but something that really works for me is "Alert, Avert, Affirm" (see "The 3 Second Rule" in Chizuk e-mail #637 on this page). Distance and Distraction are great tools too.
I feel like new person - I have emotions I never used before, my heart is open like it never was before.
A big motivator for me has been my wife. If it wasn't for her, I don't think I would have had any reason to go clean.
For those of you that aren't married, you can have the same motivator. Your wife is out there, you just haven't met her yet. You can start loving her neshamah and doing things for her, even if you haven't seen her face yet. This will bring you together more than anything else ever can (especially in honor of Tu be'Av today!)
Thank you Hashem, my wife and everyone in this group. I hope I never let you down.