Thursday, 16 July 2015

How My Life Has Changed with Sobriety

by Al Tisyaesh (See all authors)

When I look at myself in the mirror (yes, that's something I can do these days), I no longer feel repulsed by what I see, I no longer see a guy with potential that's just wasting his life, or doing so much damage to his friends and family that he can't bear to feel. I now see a guy that tries his hardest, works on changing himself on a daily basis. For the first time, I look at myself and say, “You may not be perfect BUT you're trying." Even if I fall, it's just so I get up and carry on.

I can now feel. Until now feelings were too painful to deal with, so my addiction came about to get rid of them, or to soften them, at least. By dulling the bad feelings, I was also dulling the good feelings. I now wake up feeling happy for no reason other than feeling accomplished. There used to be these bouts of depression or anger that I could not explain which made me feel different or weird. I could not explain them because I didn't know how to. Also now I have learnt to process negative feelings and accept it as I accept the positive feelings.

Never could I ever connect to people, whether it was because I felt different or not worthy to let myself have friends, but ever since I have become sober, I don't fear the closeness of people, I am not scared of coming out of my box, doing stuff that might make me vulnerable around others.

Every woman is not a sexual fantasy anymore, they are now not objects which I masturbate to, which in turn means I can actually talk to a girl without it being awkward, since they are people just like me.

Life is now bearable, I could even say enjoyable. I now know that you need the bad emotions just as you need the good emotions, they come hand in hand.

...GOD...

He was always an entity that I either was asking something from, or apologizing to. There was a kind of “You're in charge” connection and I have to do everything You say, and I was always feeling guilty about my addiction so that never worked out really well. Now, I have a much better connection, I know G-d gave me my disease because He wants me to grow from it, and I have a more father/son-like connection. I speak to Him a few times a day. I say THANK YOU, I feel Him wherever I go, I tell myself before I do anything questionable, God's right here with me (honestly this causes me trouble when bad habits crop up).

The truth is that I feel like a different person, before I was a private, impersonal kinda guy, that was very uncomfortable in his own skin; now I feel like a very different person who is much closer to being the ideal person I have always wanted to be and NOTHING is worth going back there for...