Found a lifeline
Hello to everyone here. I am truly humbled to be here. It is the most wonderful thing.
I can not believe that today is my 31st day without any assur internet whatsoever. Without any bittul zeman on the internet. I can't believe it myself, I am so happy.
Just four weeks ago I couldn't sit in front of my computer without peeking just for a few minutes at all the filth that the Y"H brought my way.
Just four weeks ago I was the lowest person in the world, living the biggest lie.
Just four weeks ago I was crying under my desk and I really wanted to change, but I couldn't.
Indeed in the past I made strong kabbalos I gave myself all kinds of mussar. I applied all kinds of advice but I never was able to ever go even 2 weeks clean.
I B"H found a lifeline at GUE, and I realized 3 things:
A. There is a way to recover
B. That I am an addict and an addiction needs recovery. Not that I'm just crazy or SHVACH .
C. There are other people in the same boat that are honestly working on changing their lives.
At that point I didn't feel that I deserved to be on the forum, let alone on the Wall of Honor. So I kept my own journal for a full two weeks first. It was so hard to change, but all the chizuk from reading all the posts on the GUE forum pushed me along.
I still can't believe that I am clean for a month. I am not trying to delude myself to say I arrived. I REALLY need all the encouragement I can get still to reach my short term goal of 90 days. I really am taking it one day at a time. I am davening for siyatta dishmaya.
I realize that the battle of the Y"H is a full time job. My shemiras ainiyim is on a very good level B"H. But I am scared that I will fall so I am setting small goals.
I came to this realization that I couldn't stop myself until I admitted that I was an addict, not that this was just a "bad habit". This is an addiction. Once I knew I was an addict, I was able to accept advice from all the people on the forum. But until one doesn't ADMIT this, he can't be helped because he feels it's not for him.
I started to realize that the power of TEFILLA is so great.
I had a wonderful insight. In the tefillah we say "VCHOF ES YITZREINU LHISHTABED LACH", we daven that Hashem should force Yetzer Hara to be subjugated to HIM. All my life I had davened that "my" Y"H should be controlled by "me". NO NO NO! I have learned now from the first of the twelve steps that we are begging Hashem to force the Y"H to be under HIS control.
May all our friends here be the source of inspiration that we all become truly the HEILIGE NESHAMOS we were given at birth.
May Hashem bentch each and every one of us.
Humbled and happy