Chizuk Email to the Rescue
We recently had our fourth child, Boruch Hashem, but in the past, such a happy occasion has caused me to resort to self-pleasure. I'm still trying to work out the causes, but I think it's based in selfishness, starting from a youth spent looking at porn, following being given a computer for my Bar Mitzvah. This time, with the emails giving me Chizuk, I've done better over the long weeks of abstinence after birth. Still struggling with shmiras einayim on the street, but MUCH better.
Then came the day for hefsek taharah. It was a Shayla. I wanted to show a Rov and ask, but my wife wanted to wait. I got upset. I went into the silent mode and was passively aggressive to her, until I went to Shul for maariv. Then, while waiting for my chavrusa, I got a Chizuk email about marriage. The ikar point was "are we trying to build our marriages, or use our wives to fulfill our lust?" I was thrown. Wasn't that exactly why I was upset? Because my wife had denied me the chance? I immediately texted her an apology, and when I got home from learning, apologized again. I'm still working on making this knowledge part of me, but I hope to get there.
The reason I'm sharing this is twofold. First, to say thank you for the Chizuk emails. Secondly, to let everyone know that reading the emails really helps. I was so close to losing everything I've been building, when the Aibeshter was "mezamen l'pundak echod" an email and thereby saved me.
Just knowing we're all working on this together gives me such Chizuk!
Thank you all!!!